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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help me decipher this email from ex-sil
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Question  Posted: 5:20 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just received this beauty from my ex-sil. A few things before you read:

xwh is her brother.

xwh was married before me, I was his 2nd wife. his kids, as long as I have known him, have hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. this was always explained away with him and his family crying Parental Alienation from his first wife.

ex-sil used to be my best friend, we LOVED each other, had the same sense of humor, etc.

she was the one who told me to put a gps tracking system in xwh's car.

D-day, she cuts me out of her life, turns against me, deletes me from FB, etc.

She then tells xwh that I put a gps tracking system in his car.

she became fb friends with ow right away, and invited ow and xwh to her house 6 hrs away from us for thanksgiving. we were still married at the time.

right before this email, she just got back from going on vacation with her husband and kids and xwh and ow. xwh had asked if he could take dd on this vacation, I said no because a.) he doesn't get overnights or vacations according to our decree and b.) he hardly ever sees her anyway, and she doesn't like being away from me for that long. a week is way too long and she would lose her mind.

Hello,

I am not sure if this is your email or not, but I thought I would try anyway.

I finally have a relationship with xwh's 3 oldest children. As I look back at the craziness that happened, I see where I was wrong. This may make no sense to you...but I will try to explain what I mean. I see dd, who I know my whole family loves, and they only see her when xwh gets her and brings her over. For whatever reason that bothers me. If I want to see her, I should be able to call you as well, I know you would let me see her. I don't understand why when a couple divorces, it gets like this, because I never wanted to be on a side. It makes me understand a little on how hurt the kids (she is referring to my former skids) were when no one called over there on there own to see the kids, without xwh. I know it would bother me if I was them. I can't blame *1st wife* for how she acted towards xwh, because I was not in her shoes. I will never agree with how he left her, or you. He still is my brother though, which makes things a bit difficult. With *1stwife* and the kids, we don't
talk about him, and I don't tell anyone what we do talk about. I was the only one invited to the weddings, (2 of the skids got married last summer) and I didn't tell anyone out of respect for the kids. It is not always easy keeping information from my family, but I do it because it is worth it to have them in my life.

*stupidnickname for dd* (I asked her what I should call her and that is what she said. Sometimes she corrects me that it is Princess *stupidnickname*) is so funny. I adore her, and love when we get to see her. She is so smart. It amazes me on how much she knows. She shows no fear, and is a ball of energy. She always gives me huge hugs, even though I know she would rather be running around, She is so stinkin cute. Sometimes I want to send her home with red dots, just because I know when you would see them you would laugh as hard as I do.(this is referencing a stupid inside joke we used to pee our pants over years ago)

The reason for this long and babbling email, is for DD....I want to see if I can call you when I know I will be in town to see her. I would even meet you and her at Barnes and Noble for coffee, or whatever you are comfortable with (*her daughter, my former niece* too, she misses you). I see how it was with the 3 kids,(my former skids) and I do not want to have that awkwardness with dd, or with you. I know I will never understand the hurt you went through, and no one should have to go through with that. In the end, you got the most amazing gift, dd. I am so glad you had her to help you through the tough times. You have done a great job with her, she is so smart.

I really hope you are well, and I hope you know that no matter how much time goes by we send good wishes your way.

Love, former sil

Thoughs? I suppose it would be fine if she wanted to see dd, but this strikes me as odd, especially the timing of this, 3 1/2 years later...right after she gets back from vacay with xwh and ow. plus, ex-sil lives 6 hours away in another state, it's not like she lives here. So why the sudden interest in seeing my dd? Am I being paranoid?

my thoughts are, this letter alone, you might think she is sincere, but all the other shit I gave as a background story definitely give it a different spin.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 8:02 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I maybe over-extending the Actions -- not Words creed, but i now apply it to everyone:

she was the one who told me to put a gps tracking system in xwh's car. D-day, she cuts me out of her life, turns against me, deletes me from FB, etc. She then tells xwh that I put a gps tracking system in his car. she became fb friends with ow right away,

If you have very very few relatives, then maybe you don't want to limit your dd's family connections... but otherwise...

I wouldn't extend myself or even reply to this. My guess is xwh moaned about his contact with dd (blaming it on you of course) and dear sweet enabling SIL is stepping in to help him out.

You certainly don't need "friends" like her - and she isn't much of a role model for dd.

I'm betting the plan next year is to use "auntie leverage" to get you to allow dd to go off with xwh, ow, and inlaws for vacation.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That would be a no-go for me. She basically threw you under the bus on Dday and didn't look back until now??

Ask yourself why you want to open yourself up to her crazy. If she had stayed neutral from the beginning I could see maintaining a relationship with her for the same of your dd.

But now? Now it's too late. You do not need this in your life. She can make arrangements to see your child through your ex, her brother.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm betting the plan next year is to use "auntie leverage" to get you to allow dd to go off with xwh, ow, and inlaws for vacation.

That's just about word for word what I was thinking.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9823 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets. She can go through her brother and see her when he has her for visitation. She's got a lot of nerve, imo!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jun 2007
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is really tough... I don't know your XILs or the family dynamic. While her email sounds really self serving, it does sound like she is trying to reach out and develop a relationship with her niece. I can appreciate that.

If it would not be too much of an inconvenience for you, I would encourage you to to her spend some time with DD. I am close with some of my aunts and uncles (not the child of divorce) - it's a nice relationship to have, especially in teen years. You have this grown up that you trust that isn't a parent - but they sitll have your best interest at heart.

Anyway, that's my two cents. I don't know how I would respond, probably something short like:

"I'm glad that you would like to stay in DD's life. Please let me know when you are in town and we'll try to get you guys together."

You don't have to stay friends with her.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm betting the plan next year is to use "auntie leverage" to get you to allow dd to go off with xwh, ow, and inlaws for vacation.
I NEVER thought of this? Why didn't I think of this? Of COURSE this is it!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm skeptical---but then, I have inlaws who never do anything without ulterior motive.

I would love for my children to have extended family who cared--but they don't.

An email like your FSIL's, after this length of time, seems suspect.

(Though I really, really wanted to be able to say, "Oh! How nice she wants to re-establish ties, because every kid needs extended family--and as much love as possible.)


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That would be a no-go for me. She basically threw you under the bus on Dday and didn't look back until now??
Ask yourself why you want to open yourself up to her crazy. If she had stayed neutral from the beginning I could see maintaining a relationship with her for the same of your dd.

But now? Now it's too late. You do not need this in your life. She can make arrangements to see your child through your ex, her brother.


purplerose this is pretty much the way that I was thinking, exactly!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without the backstory, I'd probably take it at face value and let them have an afternoon together the next time she is in town.

However, with the backstory...yeah, no thanks. Gonna take a little more than that.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4683 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure if this is your email or not, but I thought I would try anyway.

It's too bad that you changed your email address and didn't receive this email.

I agree with ex-sil on this point: You have done a great job with her, she is so smart.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2270 | Registered: Oct 2012
Random thoughts
♀ Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets, its not your job to make sure your daughter has a relationship with your ex SIL, that's your ex's job and if he's to lazy not your problem.

Plus throwing you under the bus, deleting you from fb, inviting your husband and his gf to thanksgivings dinner really didn't bother her at the time, and it didn't bother her that she was helping to destroy your daughter's family.

She basically did the same thing with his other kids from his first marriage.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And wouldn't your former SIL be the family 'heroine' if she could only get you to see the wisdom of reuniting your DD with xh's family. I would venture a guess this has nothing to do with your DD or even your xh but is more about former SIL becoming the family heroine. Don't give her the time of day. She showed her true colors when she abandoned you at a time when you surely needed real friends.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
whatamidoing
♀ Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sucker here... I would be so happy that the SIL actually cared I would indulge
I have spent a year reaching out with crickets coming back at me always knowing my kids deserve as normal a family as possible even if it sucks for me and if any of my POS family got off their ass and tried, I would likely say thanks and see where it goes


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd take a hybrid approach of the replies here.

"Dear x-sil,
I'm glad that you would like to be in DD's life. Please contact (your dumbass brother) so that you can arrange to visit her during his time."

You don't need to be involved here unless I'm missing some logistical facts. It's his family, his job. She is not your family nor even a friend anymore. Kids need adults who care about them, so I'd still encourage that, but keeping contact with her? Nope. Wash your hands of this.


Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would act as if you didn't receive it but she is likely to keep trying - if so I'd do what the previous poster recommends.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 16

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