When I do my morning routine in the bathroom it's still there. In the back of my mind the realization that yes, it really truly did happen and the nightmare I woke from was grounded in reality.
When I come down stairs and am greeted by my gorgeous wife with a beaming smile it's still there. That knowledge that there is a very ugly side to her, a side she battles with to keep herself and our family safe every day.
When I go about my daily activities and responsibilities it's still there. That nagging sadness greying out the beauty of every day, the battle I have to fight every day to keep from falling into despair.
When my daughter mauls me with affection or my son coos at me in his new found giggles it's still there. Knowing how close one's life was very nearly altered for the worst forever and how the other almost didn't exist at all.
When my wife and I settle in for the night and cuddle on the couch or play fight in the kitchen it's still there. The love we've always had, the love which binds us together and enriches our lives. The love that's worth all of this for.
When I head up to the bathroom to do my nightly routine it's still there. Knowing I have to go through this again tomorrow but it'll be better in some way so long as we both do what we need to do.
As I lay down to sleep and my wife snuggles into me it's still there. The dread of facing another possible nightmare and the hope of waking up with the wonderful transformed woman in my arms still by my side.
Every day, it's still there. The knowledge of her infidelity. Also the knowledge of her work and effort to be better, and knowing in the end I'd never want to give up the life I find myself heading toward. Sure, it's tempting to play what if and it's all too easy to give into the negative thoughts that can rise... but that's not who I am.
My commitment, my honesty, my devotion, my resolve, my strength, my love, my desire... It's still there.
Just some thoughts while having an off day. Thanks for reading.
Surrender to the truth of life.
Mixed emotions abound.
One of the toughest for me is what you spoke of regarding our kids. To date my two pre-10 daughters have no idea how close their world is to changing forever...
11 months out and I still have moments of shock that it really did happen.
God be with us all.
My children are grown. But how a divorce would affect their life is probably the biggest thing I consider, still. In their lower 20's. I can't imagine if they were younger.
You are brave men...
4 kiddos in lower 20's
ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."
In a lot of ways I'm grateful that my daughter was only 3 at the time. She'll never likely remember the times she brought me tissue telling me not to be sad. She won't remember how angry or distraught I could get. She already doesn't remember how terrible mommy was during that time, even to her. I've told my wife that she's lucky our daughter may well come out of this unscathed but that I hold her responsible for the possible damage she could have done to her.
I still have entire days where I feel consumed by disbelief. It's exasperated by how much my wife has changed. I cannot see the woman before me as being capable of cheating again. Yet I know she has cheated. And even at that, though I do accept it as fact, can't fathom how it's true some days. The mind's a funny thing.
Names... I hate some names. Especially that of her main affair partner. It's so fucking common. I see or hear it on a daily basis. By sheer volume of alternate uses I'm sure it'll lessen in time, but I have an instant anxious reaction every time I encounter it. It's my favourite deceased uncle's name, I can't even remember him without this shit interfearing in my thoughts. I really hope it's not that way for the rest of my life.
Anyways, thanks for the replies.
Now, if I could just do that with the hotel my H went to. I am mostly over the fact that they had sex in our truck! So classy.
I edit, therefore I am.
Thank You VD2012
Anyone ever mention that you write very well?
D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012
One day, one emotion at a time... Together.