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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It's Still There
VD2012
♂ Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I open my eyes and wake every day it's still there. That sense of loss, of time, of innocence, of sanity, that still lingers on.

When I do my morning routine in the bathroom it's still there. In the back of my mind the realization that yes, it really truly did happen and the nightmare I woke from was grounded in reality.

When I come down stairs and am greeted by my gorgeous wife with a beaming smile it's still there. That knowledge that there is a very ugly side to her, a side she battles with to keep herself and our family safe every day.

When I go about my daily activities and responsibilities it's still there. That nagging sadness greying out the beauty of every day, the battle I have to fight every day to keep from falling into despair.

When my daughter mauls me with affection or my son coos at me in his new found giggles it's still there. Knowing how close one's life was very nearly altered for the worst forever and how the other almost didn't exist at all.

When my wife and I settle in for the night and cuddle on the couch or play fight in the kitchen it's still there. The love we've always had, the love which binds us together and enriches our lives. The love that's worth all of this for.

When I head up to the bathroom to do my nightly routine it's still there. Knowing I have to go through this again tomorrow but it'll be better in some way so long as we both do what we need to do.

As I lay down to sleep and my wife snuggles into me it's still there. The dread of facing another possible nightmare and the hope of waking up with the wonderful transformed woman in my arms still by my side.

Every day, it's still there. The knowledge of her infidelity. Also the knowledge of her work and effort to be better, and knowing in the end I'd never want to give up the life I find myself heading toward. Sure, it's tempting to play what if and it's all too easy to give into the negative thoughts that can rise... but that's not who I am.

My commitment, my honesty, my devotion, my resolve, my strength, my love, my desire... It's still there.

Just some thoughts while having an off day. Thanks for reading.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you brother.

Mixed emotions abound.

One of the toughest for me is what you spoke of regarding our kids. To date my two pre-10 daughters have no idea how close their world is to changing forever...

11 months out and I still have moments of shock that it really did happen.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say that I love what you wrote. Wow.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VD and BS: growth can be....painful.
yep it's still there. EVERY day I think of two people's names i'd rather not. Will it be this way for the rest of my life?

My children are grown. But how a divorce would affect their life is probably the biggest thing I consider, still. In their lower 20's. I can't imagine if they were younger.

You are brave men...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5270 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, its still there every day for me too.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
VD2012
♂ Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blakesteele,

In a lot of ways I'm grateful that my daughter was only 3 at the time. She'll never likely remember the times she brought me tissue telling me not to be sad. She won't remember how angry or distraught I could get. She already doesn't remember how terrible mommy was during that time, even to her. I've told my wife that she's lucky our daughter may well come out of this unscathed but that I hold her responsible for the possible damage she could have done to her.

I still have entire days where I feel consumed by disbelief. It's exasperated by how much my wife has changed. I cannot see the woman before me as being capable of cheating again. Yet I know she has cheated. And even at that, though I do accept it as fact, can't fathom how it's true some days. The mind's a funny thing.


rachelc,

Names... I hate some names. Especially that of her main affair partner. It's so fucking common. I see or hear it on a daily basis. By sheer volume of alternate uses I'm sure it'll lessen in time, but I have an instant anxious reaction every time I encounter it. It's my favourite deceased uncle's name, I can't even remember him without this shit interfearing in my thoughts. I really hope it's not that way for the rest of my life.

Anyways, thanks for the replies.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post really resonated with me. I feel the same way. It's always there, no matter what I'm doing. It's there when I wake up, get ready in the morning, go to work, see him at night, snuggle on the couch, and go to sleep. I dread waking up every morning, because it never goes away. I never truly feel like I have a moment where it's gone. And it's exhausting.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Jul 2013
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still very close to dday and this is exactly what it's like. It's a little discouraging that I may still feel this way a year from now but I also got hope from your post too.

Thank you.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VD 2012
If the name thing really bothers you, you could try to extinguish the anxiety around it like they do with people with anxious thoughts. It sounds horrible, but tape record the name and listen to it on a loop for a fixed amount of time a day - say 5 minutes.. . .Every day. Eventually you will become desensitized to it.

Now, if I could just do that with the hotel my H went to. I am mostly over the fact that they had sex in our truck! So classy.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
spinning73
♀ New Member
Member # 39675
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautifully written, can definitely relate.


me-BS 40
WH-40
Together 23 years, married 17 years
DDs-11 and 8, DS 7
4 month EA/PA ended by WH 2 months before
DD-4/14/13
Hoping this recovery is real...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013
spinning73
♀ New Member
Member # 39675
DOH!  Posted: 8:01 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachele... The name, ugh. AP name was FAITH. Oh, the irony


me-BS 40
WH-40
Together 23 years, married 17 years
DDs-11 and 8, DS 7
4 month EA/PA ended by WH 2 months before
DD-4/14/13
Hoping this recovery is real...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every Word!!!

Thank You VD2012

(((Hugs)))


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2630 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VD, Exactly (with variations to match one's stage in the life cycle).

Anyone ever mention that you write very well?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10363 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
IslandGirl18
♀ Member
Member # 36781
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well written and so true. All of it. Thank you.


me: BS
him: WS

D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012

Divorced


Posts: 105 | Registered: Sep 2012
HopefullyLost09
♀ New Member
Member # 40252
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this


Me: BS - 26
Him: WS - 26
3 kids: 6, 3, and 1
D-Day - 07/12/13
R-Day - 07/22/13

One day, one emotion at a time... Together.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NC
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love this!

Posts: 712 | Registered: Jul 2013
SoAngryAndHurt
♀ Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VD2012. Ur post brought tears to my eyes as I sit at my desk at work. Thank you for letting see a glimmer of hope.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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