Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Ladyinpain (45447)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why also be cruel?
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend of mine who is a therapist told me, and I think this is true, that in his mind he already apologized by admitting the A. And it is the case that in our first couple of conversations about it I let him have it and he took it and apologized.

As for the meanness after the fact, if he felt cornered by me, every time he was cruel he may have sensed that I backed away and shut down, for the most part. So subconsciously cruelty may have been a survival tactic. In that case, he may not even recognize that it is something to apologize for now.

I grew up in a house where there was very little fighting and, if there was, voices might raise but there was never any name calling or hostility. So to me, what he did is wounding and completely foreign. It's not something I brought into our relationship. Maybe it turns out it was more natural to him in a crisis.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend of mine who is a therapist told me, and I think this is true, that in his mind he already apologized by admitting the A.

Then why not file for Divorce?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The short answer? Its being passive a aggressive. *We*had to build up a monster in *our* minds to justify slaying it when in fact the monster was *us*.


My ex is very P.A. He avoids confrontation and the only time he was willing to be outright cruel was when I was sobbing and he felt like I wouldn't/couldn't respond. He said all kinds of BS that didn't make any sense to justify what he was doing and I thought he was having a psychotic breakdown too.

He knows what he did is dead wrong. He wouldn't have worked so hard to try to blameshift and justify if he thought what he was doing was OK.

I would love an apology that didn't include a "..but.." That isn't likely to happen though. I don't think he can accept what he is and what he's done. He's too emotionally-stunted, weak and cowardly to work on himself and it would take a lot just to get to the point where he could acknowledge his wrong-doing and apologize.

His cruelty is a part of him that was always there. It was hidden behind the "good guy" mask he wore with pride. It's a part of himself that he loathes and now that it's been seen by me he (correctly) assumes that I loathe him too. Of course he could change that by *BEING* like the "good guy" he impersonates but he can't. He won't do what it would take to become the man he wishes he was so it's back to pretending until the mask slips again.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written the same thing,
Housefulloflove.

My therapist used narcissist for the first time to describe WS last week. He also said he likely had a "lack of object constancy"... So I am probably wasting time wondering why he doesn't feel remorse for the way he treated me.

The more I write about this the more I just think maybe he treated me like shit because that's what people do when they don't care anymore. I only had two other boyfriends before WS and didn't have a harsh breakup with either. High school boyfriend just ran its course when we went to college. College boyfriend is now my best friend and our break up was hard and tearful, but legit and done lovingly. I started seeing WS a couple of weeks later, in fact. So this is really the first time I've ever been dumped. Maybe this is just what it looks like and I'm new to the party.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 10:00 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.