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User Topic: Reconciliation...are many of us really
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling compelled to chime in as a member because I have "limbociliation" written in my tagline.

In my situation, Crazz and I are working really hard at the relationship but there's still a lot of dysfunction to hack through on both of our parts.

In terms of the A, I have offered Crazz forgiveness and we both have felt a huge weight lift in that respect.

In terms of our marriage, the preceding issues are still chipping away at what should be more balanced times. He is in IC, and we are (loosely) in MC. I think it's important for me to get back into IC soon to work on me. But that's just us.

Regarding the Reconciliation forum, I think that it's just one of the several sensitive areas of this process that need protecting from high emotion when members are personally going though something. Kinda like the Stop Signs in Wayward. We don't want to chase away someone that may benefit from calmer instruction in the earlier days.

Yes, we're allowed to have our opinions and post our struggles, but we need a space to allow hope to grow, and that's why I think the guidelines are in place in Recon. We have General, and several other places, to spew our guts. (I have exploded countless times in General - I may have even broken the record on number of profanities in a single post.) If new members went into Recon and saw a bunch of yelling and screaming and name calling that would be very discouraging, and I'd hate for anyone not to attempt it at all just because they don't believe it exists.

We know that sometimes couples can do the work and thrive - I think it's important to have a space to focus on that.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:00 AM, August 12th (Monday)]


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16458 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems people think i was attacking the reconciliation area! I must have really mucked up my wording! I was just expressing my feeling like i dont belong there!

I wasnt saying recovery isnt possible! Just expressing my frustration and disappointment and probably doing it horribly! Apparently very horribly! Im not in reconciliation. not by my choice. i am not ready for a divorce. My husband could be a dick , cheat and then continue to be a dick and ya i hate him for it. If that makes me a jerk well ok.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well gee thanks UNone for clarifying for me that im not in limbo. And yes my dd did say she saw a photo on my wh cell. Thanks again for clarifying that too. Yes, yes its my choice. I choose it. Thanks


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im a bit upset but I will get over it.

All I can say is I see my situation clearly.

Thank you MC jack. Thank you everyone. Many of your post were very helpful and insightful and yes i still have hope. Maybe it makes me look weak or stupid to others on here.

Im under a lot of stress right now over health issues and finances. Not excuses...it is what it is.

I didnt know limbo had a cut off date.


Unone you have a right to read and comment on my posts but i really wish you would not. Your tone and comments are hurtful and snarky in regard to me.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I think UO is dead on, at least from my perspective and in my situation.
Waiting for someone to change when the only one changing is "you" and it's definitely not for the better is a really poor game plan.
I tried this for about 9 months, and it was slowly killing me. All the while, my XWW continued and even grew her A. After 9 months I needed to try something different, but I still wasn’t ready to say it was over so I tried to force my XWW to R while I worked on myself. It took me another 18+ months (2.5+ years in all) to finally admit that the only place this was leading me was:
Spoiler alert. It ends horribly.
unless my XWW wanted to change. As others have said, R forum is about hope and honestly my last post in R was actually asking others to tell me to D. I needed to kill the hope.

Looking back on it, I recognize that I would’ve saved a lot of time and energy if I would’ve been able to fully dedicate to healing myself from the start (especially seeing how quickly I have been healing since heading down the D path). I don’t think I was lacking brain cells, and I don’t think UO really meant to say that you were, either. It’s just really hard to accept that the path our life is on needs to make such a dramatic shift and that takes people time. I see story after story on here where the BS is given the same advice in thread after thread by everyone posting to them, but they continue to argue their story is different. When you’ve seen the story play out so many times as the vets on here have, it may appear that the BS is “lacking some brain cells” because it can be hard to remember how hard it was when going through it ourselves (and it wasn’t hard for some) and that each person has to go through the journey for themselves.

sunflowergirl, I don’t know about your situation, but it is said on here often (maybe more so in the wayward forum, but I think it applies here, too), “if you react strongly to something, it is probably something that needs to be looked at further.”

Im not in reconciliation. not by my choice. i am not ready for a divorce. My husband could be a dick , cheat and then continue to be a dick and ya i hate him for it.
If UO’s post about waiting for him to change doesn’t apply, then why are you reacting so strongly to it? (I don’t need an answer, but something to consider)


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 380 | Registered: Jul 2011
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there's a reason why UO's comments have you so emotional - because there's truth in there. The posts that piss us off the most are usually the ones that are most applicable to us. It's a jagged little pill to swallow.

Whether you like it or not, at some point, if you wish to heal yourself, you are going to have to stop looking at your H's behaviors and start looking at yours. You don't want R? Fine. Your choice. You're not ready for a divorce? Fine. Your choice. You hate your husband? Fine. Your choice. Nobody is forcing you to make these choices. Not even your husband, who you hate so much but won't leave.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5769 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
DragnHeart
♀ Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I think that about some BS's too. Waiting for someone to change when the only one changing is "you" and it's definitely not for the better is a really poor game plan.

This is ME!!! Totally!!!!!

It took a 2x4 in one of my posts to see it but I see it clearly now.

I know my wh and I are not in R. Therefore I don't go into that forum.

Instead I am waiting. Waiting for changes to happen that won't happen unless I do something to make them happen. R is not a one way street. It takes two. I can't rely on wh to do it if I'm not going to work at it too.

That means setting boundaries and consequences and sticking to them. Being true to myself.

For now I can't go into the R forum...


Posts: 2792 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunflower I'm sry your hurting truly I am. I read your posts often and it does truly seem that you detest your WH. The choice to stay or leave is not an easy one but you are making a choice. Perhaps it is one you never thought you'd have to make or never wanted to make but it is still a choice. Everywhere on this site WS and BS alike are told that we are responsible for our own healing. Part of that responsibility means making choices that will help guide us down the path to healthy again. Are you making those choices? I am not asking it to be snarky or mean but out of concern and worry as your posts seem to be getting more full of anger and pain.

Just one more thing when UO said "how's that limbo?" I don't think she was asking how's limbo treating you but rather sating that you post that you hate your WH so how is you hating him being in limbo when it seems you've made a decision on how you feel.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2644 | Registered: Oct 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im guessing she reacted that way because a BS feels like a fucking idiot for many reasons...being blindsided by the affair(how silly of us to trust our spouses)..then after the A is discovered we find out other people knew..so we feel stupid because everyone knew but us...then we feel stupid because we actually believed the bullshit they told us..only to be TT later...then some of us feel stupid because we are trying to R with someone who showed so little love,respect,care,etc for us...some of us have to fight OURSELVES every day that we try to R with a spouse who has exposed us to STD's,crazy AP's,and alllll the humiliation and disrespect that a WS shows their BS during the A..and after(TT,broken NC,lies,lies,lies). So we spend a lot of time feeling pretty fucking stupid. Coming on here...our place of support...to vent our negative feelings about our WS's..only to be told we are stupid...wow. I don't see how that would NOT upset someone.


Not everyone is in a postilion to just leave. And not everyone shares everything on this board. Some of us have exit plans that are in the works..but will take time to execute.


((((((sunflowergirl))))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7153 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rebreather
said it perfectly

Reconciliation is a process, not a destination. It takes time. It takes committment. It is a long, often ugly, process. It is not linear.
There are many phases and stages of reconciliation. Some make it through, some do not. Steps forward, steps back.

It ain't easy, but it isn't impossible. It does exist. Look at the founders of this board.

I'm reading Dr. Harley's book and he states you can start recovery or reconciliation without an apology or a remorseful spouse. The only rules seem to be no contact with the affair partner and a willingness to work on it.

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 1:19 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sunflowergirl, I get the impression that many of the posts in R are more of an expression of hope or intention than an actual fact. Nothing wrong with that, hope is good, and once you are truly in R, I don't know if SI is really appropriate or not. (Can't say for sure, because I never got there, but at one time I occasionally posted with hope).

UO had a long history of pissing me off with posts that were not directed at me. She must have changed something around the time I realized she had a point, because she stopped pissing me off.

As for "not going there" in the R forum, I get that, because whether the guidelines allowed it or not, some things just seemed like bad form.

I have basically accepted that my marriage and my husband are not what I thought they were. I know I don't want the stress, pain, and expense of another divorce. I love my WH#2 and hate him at the same time.

I think this, and a lot of the other points made, and struggles posted here, also apply to a lot of people in marriages that have not been touched by infidelity. People can do some really shitty things to, and have unreasonable expectations of, the ones they love.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nomoreplease, i was not responding strongly to UO comment about waiting for him to change! I was reacting strongly to her sarcastic tone.

Ya, its bull crap to wait and wait I'm not disputing that.

I have a problem with the way UO talks to me. I feel bullied. Thats my issue.

Her delivery sucks and Honestly i was so offended i was unable to get anything positive out of her comments.

But yes, i have invested/wasted the last 5 yrs.

3 of those yrs post infidelity. I accept my wh is an asshole. He is not going to change so either I stay or I go. Its on me.



Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many of you are totally off the mark. Im not upset or defensive over her helpful comments! It was her abrasive delivery. Im not in denial nor do i need my nose rubbed in it! Thats all im saying. I feel many of you are failing to understand where im coming from.

Post after post UO is spot on, well ok but she doesnt have to be a ***** about it. Cuz i dont respond to that well and any good info gets clouded blocked by my walls going up.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gee i must be on her EVERYDAY ranting about hating my wh from how im being portrayed. Awesome.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunflower...

Enough. The fighting needs to stop now. We have talked privately to UO.

Please the Follow or Forget feature.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196554 | Registered: May 2002
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok...im checking my attitude. I am not on here a lot. And usually when I do get on SI i am in great need of a big nasty hateful spew about my wh. Yes i hate his f-ing guts at least once a day. Is that healthy? I doubt it. But im not escaping and screwing around. Im not even really talking to him. Im just trying to make it through the day. Im not mad or butt hurt over it being pointed out to me that the balls in my court! I just didnt like the delivery of it. Its easy to read something or take something harshly when you cant see or hear the emotion from the other person and some people are more tactful than others. Im not asking to be babied im just saying the delivery was abrasive imo and it got my panties in a bunch!

Im not a ws, i dont think like a ws, i dont understand ws. Im pissed because I dont like feeling belittled or baited. That sums it up.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Red  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunflower...

The fighting needs to stop now. Please the Follow or Forget feature.

Thank you.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43990 | Registered: Sep 2006
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cross posted with Meta

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:09 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196554 | Registered: May 2002
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had hope....but now I just feel resentment.


Turning 37 soon and frustrated/overwhelmed at starting over.

Feeling stupid, sad, angry.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a member..
You are really really hurting today aren't you?

I don't have much to offer. Let it hurt, feel it, and sit in it for awhile. Then reach out to make a plan and we'll help you. We're here to support you. There is a life out there for you that doesn't need to be this painful.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43990 | Registered: Sep 2006
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