Topic: Reconciliation...are many of us really
Member # 35238
| Posted: 2:31 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
I just turned 40 in January, so I think I know how you're feeling as far as the resentment and the thought about "starting over" goes.
I am in limbo. My D-Day was in 12/2011 which makes me feel like a huge fool. Sometimes I go to the R forum because I like to read positive stories, but I don't feel like I "belong" there either - because I know I'm not in R. In the beginning I thought we were just because we both said we wanted to work things out. I was just a newbie.
I wish my husband was more remorseful. I wish he could feel one ounce of the pain I felt throughout this mess. In all honesty...I'm awfully envious of those people truly in R.
Maybe we could start a Limbo forum
I just wanted you to know you've been heard.
Hang in there...
BS: Me (40)
WS: Husband (46)
Married 8 years
Two children 5 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.
Posts: 351 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 14576
| Posted: 2:31 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
Me - 48; FWH - 50
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
4yo GS & 14 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.
Posts: 4726 | Registered: May 2007
Member # 36654
| Posted: 2:40 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
I think the saying of take what you need and leave the rest applies here. It is hard not to get hurt sometimes by what others may say. It is a forum with many thousands of people with different personalities and feelings and different situations. I understood perfectly what sunflower was saying in her original post. I am glad that the SI staff clarified for all what the reconciliation forum is for. That was also helpful to me. I do sometimes comment in the reconciliation forum, but I also never posted there after DDay#2 because I was told that it was a place for people that were in R and since mine was false R, I did not feel the need to post there. I mostly post in genereal and with the tribe on LTA. I have even posted in D and S becuase at times I feel that is where I should be. I also saw a section in I can relate for those that are not in R, but still in the marriage. I may post there myself as it seems that is where I am at the moment. Sunflower, if you need to vent, you are welcome to send me a PM. I understand exactly where you are right now. (((HUGS)))
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.
Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 37184
| Posted: 2:50 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
Its understandable how you are feeling today.
And I agree. Many of the posts in R do refer to the ws being hurtful towards their bs.
You know, R is not a recipie that everyone is going to easily be able to follow or even have all the ingredients for. That doesnt necessarily mean a couple arent in r. It isnt going to be the exact same for everyone.
My own situation could certainly be called a false R and I suppose that, due to how long it has taken us to get this far, by the definition given here, it is.
It took me a long time to recognize that "r" as defined here, was not going to be the way it happened for me.
My marriage was sooooo dysfunctional for so long, I didnt understand at first, how incredibly long it would take for us to repair it.
And we arent there yet.
I'm sorry you took such a whacking on your post today.
I completely understand your frustration and anger. I also read your post sometime last week in regards to the picture and understand how painful that fact must be to you. It sucks.
Take your time, detach your emotions and make your exit plan (in small steps)if that's what you need.
First, take care of your heart so he cannot hurt it anymore.
Hugs Sunflower, if you need to vent more, PM me.
You wont offend.
Posts: 322 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Member # 31349
| Posted: 2:53 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
I'd be happy to help steer this to what's going on with you today/this week. It's hard and scary to have this much emotion bursting at the seams. I still have occasional days where I need a time-out and some anti-anxiety meds to make my blood stop boiling.
Maybe we could start a Limbo forum
We have a thread in ICR. As long as people remember to check it, it can be a great conversational resource for those who are undecided and need to talk without feeling pressured to make a decision or follow the advice of strongly opinionated responders who are not in the same situation.
Support for BS's in Limbo
Me: BW 34
Crazz: FWH 32
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Posts: 13825 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 33226
| Posted: 2:55 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
You can call me NIK
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
Posts: 21880 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 28622
| Posted: 3:05 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
I am so sorry you are hurting. You just want to talk it out? Start a thread in D/S about what separation looks like. Even in house separation. You don't have to be "in" the camp to get a feel for how others got there. And I have seen members leave D/S to try R again.
I know many people who felt like life was out of control and that the situation was not one that was chosen but a "shit sandwich" forced down our throats.
I am not familiar with your story at all so I apologize if my advice is not on target. I just wanted to say a very positive word about my favorite peeps down in S/D.
Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
Posts: 5186 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Member # 28979
| Posted: 3:07 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
Thank you everyone. I can barely see to type..im crying buckets...
Im getting in the shower and going to spend some time with my mom.
No serious talking just silly girl time and having my mom to just love me.
I feel like im in a bubble and all the air is being sucked out and i know i need to bust that bubble but i just CANT seem to. if it wasnt for SI I think id be in a dark place. I just want to say a thank you again to everyone and especially to the mods for letting me be a member again.
Im really all over the place and its scary. Im trying to step up but im tired. Just tired
Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010
Posts: 1020 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 16024
| Posted: 3:10 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
I'm glad you're getting to spend time with your mom. Take a breather, it's okay to be kind to yourself .
Take up your space (and do it well).
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Posts: 33864 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 26970
| Posted: 3:23 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
..having been in 'R' for years myself
..this stuff can drive anyone batshit crazy.....
..this day shall pass.. sending you support in hopes Tuesday will bring a little sunshine to you, sunflower.
trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf
Posts: 3930 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Member # 31528
| Posted: 3:41 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
I hope you have a nice time with your mom.
I know life is dark and painful right now. Things do get better. Keep leaning on us. We are here for you.
Posts: 29514 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 34823
| Posted: 4:09 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013|
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Posts: 7046 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
|Topic Posts: 52|