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Newest Member: Essdubyaohdee (44217)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Another hurt and lost newbie
Smileemptysoul
♂ New Member
Member # 40282
Stop  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I'm new here, I just found out about this forum after posting the same thing in the 'General' forum. I think that this is the more appropriate place.

Well, much like my wife, a week ago I would have never thought that I would be on this website. But here I am...searching for answers, help and insight into what could have made me do the things that I did. I have no idea where to start and no idea what I will find, if anything.

Last week, my wife found out about my five years of cheating. There were multiple affair, one with one person lasting over two years. There was even experimentation with another guy. I In between the affairs, I would behave for a bit, but the urge to seek excitement and the need to want to be desired and lusted after became too much, and so I began to look again.

In every other aspect of my life, I am a responsible, dependable and very rational person. Sometimes, almost too much so. Yet here I was, creating secret email accounts and living this secret life to carry on my affairs. It was so out of context and character for me, yet I continued...destroying a small part of my soul every single time.

It has been about five days since DDay, and as I'm sure everybody here has experienced, there has been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. My wife has been on the site since last week and has found the support and comments here very helpful and I am hoping to find the same. She has told me about the trickle effect of withholding information, and I was guilty of that. And even though I have confessed, she is still waiting for another bombshell to drop. I guess I can't blame her for feeling that way as she has no right to trust anything that I say right now.

We have already had our first counseling session with more already booked. Throughout all of this, I have started to realize that there are some serious issues within myself that need to be addressed as well, and individual therapy is something that I am also open to as well.

Not just with my wife and in my marriage, but in my life, I have been unhappy for a very long time. So long in fact, that I can't even really remember a time when I wasn't. Having 12 years of marriage and a wonderful life together threatened to be pulled away from me in an instant sure as hell is eye opening to want to get me to change. To get help. To make myself a better and happier person for myself, my wife, my marriage and all the other people in my life. The crazy thing about all of this is, that over the weekend, my wife and I talked more open and honestly about ourselves, our marriage and what we want and/or missing than in the last 12 years combined. I've learned things about her yesterday that I never knew about her! And vice versa. And it felt good to be like that. Really good. It was almost like we were just meeting again for the first time and were learning about each other.

I love my wife, and always have. I'll be the first to admit, that I have not been the best at showing it. That I've taken her for granted on so many levels. And my challenge now is to prove it to her again so that we can have a chance of moving ahead together. I have to make her fall in love with me all over again. Winning back her trust and her heart is going to be the hardest, most painful thing that I've ever had to do. But if the openness and honesty that we shared with each other yesterday is even a slice of what we can have in the future, then I will do everything that I can possibly do to win her heart back.

I'm new here, so please, any comments or thoughts would be much appreciated.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smilee...

It's good to have you here, I read a lot of positive things you're already doing in such a short time. That's great!

Be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions as you both work through some really deep pain. Your patience and honesty will be what helps your wife the most recover.

How are you handling any questions your wife has asked of you?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196288 | Registered: May 2002
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The crazy thing about all of this is, that over the weekend, my wife and I talked more open and honestly about ourselves, our marriage and what we want and/or missing than in the last 12 years combined. I've learned things about her yesterday that I never knew about her! And vice versa. And it felt good to be like that. Really good. It was almost like we were just meeting again for the first time and were learning about each other.

We're about 100 days out. I remarked just today how surprised I am that I've learned new things about BH, after 16 years together.

Everyone has their own timeline; some will say she hasn't hit the "anger phase" yet, that comes in month 3 or 6, or that year 2 is harder. The going will probably get tougher. R is not linear. Just stick with it, remember you love each other and that your M wasn't a mistake.

Welcome to SI. Take what you need, and leave the rest.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SES,

Welcome.

When you find the time, check out 'The Healing Library'

There is an array of material available at the click of your mouse.

I've read several of the books listed there and many that aren't.

My wife and I found three that we felt were very helpful; Not Just Friends, Torn Asunder and Surviving An Affair.

In every other aspect of my life, I am a responsible, dependable and very rational person. Sometimes, almost too much so. Yet here I was, creating secret email accounts and living this secret life to carry on my affairs. It was so out of context and character for me, yet I continued...destroying a small part of my soul every single time.

I wrote a quote very similar to this in the beginning to.

Create a plan for recovery together and then stick with it, even when the roller coaster ride is rough. And, yes, it will get rough! But it gets really good too!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 4

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