Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: HuntforHealing (45350)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The chronic case of not being good enough
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We always say on SI, "when he/she shows you who they are, believe them." What about when everyone shows you who YOU are? How many people before you believe them?

I'm triggering, thinking, over-thinking right now. I hope this makes sense. In my head I see all the connections and hopefully I can convey them.

When DDay and aftermath went down, I felt as all of us do, not good enough. He went and found someone prettier and better. After a lot of thinking and have realized that most of my life I've been told I wasn't good enough. And I never really thought of it was traumatizing. I just thought of it as childhood. I was the chubby kid. I wasn't good enough to play with anyone...to be anyone's friend. None of this changed me drastically. I did hate myself but again, I've always seen it as a kinda normal childhood. All through elementary school and middle I was always me...kind but quiet. I had plenty of friends and people who liked me. But I was still being judged for what I looked like. And vocally too. I went through the normal thing of wanting a boyfriend as I got older but never being good enough. I finally had a boyfriend in 9th grade and he treated me horribly. I wasn't good enough. In 10th grade I met WH. He was wonderful. I was good enough. But that was because I wa fulfilling his over inflated need for attention, affection, as admiration. That eventually blew up. He was horrible to me, too. Emotionally abusive. So much so that I was scared of him. Literally shaking driving to his house and scared to enter the door. Why wasn't I good enough? Why didn't he love me enough to want to change and not hurt me? Too bad I figured this all out later. Now with the A, of course I don't feel good enough. A big trigger has been the gym. I hated myself...obvious response is go work on you. Go to the gym. I felt like I was just going to be like OW. After the miscarriage I started going. I've lost 45 and a half pounds since March. I hate it. I hate it because it reminds me of the miscarriage. I hate it because it makes me feel like I'm just trying to be like OW. That I'm trying to be good enough. When so many people have told you, you weren't good enough, even though you were loving, kind, compassionate...isn't it true?


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being good enough comes from inside yourself. Not outside. All the world can tell you that you are crap, but you don't have to believe it. You just throw it back in their face! "Fuck you!" is what you tell everyone that triess to send you that message.

You need IC my dear. Said it often. It will help you process these internal negative thoughts.

You deserve more than someone that is mean to you.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, because being "good enough" is entirely too subjective when it comes from others. You got to work for the good YOU want to be. And everyone else either comes with you on that journey or they get left behind.

[This message edited by NikkiD at 11:36 AM, August 12th (Monday)]


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you know what? I can name all the wonderful things about me. I can be happy with myself...I have been in the past. I logically know that the A was not because I wasn't good enough. I just feel so much pressure to not be me. Me was who everyone bullied. Me was who got emotionally abused. Me was who got cheated on. And I feel like that version of me that whole time was pretty damn awesome. I never changed who I was. Now with this body change its just one giant trigger of telling myself who I was wasn't good enough.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second the IC suggestion.

I was homecoming queen. I was an A student. I was popular in college and had tons of "friends" (what I would call acquaintances as a grown up), always had boy trouble. There were a few boys early on that really insulted me badly and it stuck. Must have been just the right age and of course I never dealt with it, never told anyone, etc.

ALWAYS felt like I wasn't good enough.

I think one part of how WH and I grew apart - I made some REAL friends who pretty much beat the "not good enough" out of me. Sadly as soon as H turned into WH I reverted back to the "I suck, I'll never be good enough" mentality.

I'm better now.

He sucks

Funnily enough - I have been through hell and back. I am no longer homecoming queen pretty. I am no longer the fit outdoorsy girl I loved in college.

I'm broken, beat down, and pretty beastly really but I love me now more than ever.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow..I understand everything you have said..I have always felt the same way.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7685 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi TCD,

He had his affair because he was not good enough a man or partner to communicate and work within your relationship. It had nothing to do with how good you were, how much you weighed or how pretty you are.

I had plenty of friends and people who liked me.

You were good enough as a child too. We all (?) feel judged at times, and it expresses in the areas where WE feel our weakest, where OUR insecurities lie.

Literally shaking driving to his house and scared to enter the door. Why wasn't I good enough?

See, it was not that you were not good enough for him; it is that you did not perceive yourself as good enough so you accepted his treatment of you. You thought that if you were only good enough, he (and others) would have to love you. To like you. I understand this thinking; it was my dynamic with FWW for most of our M.

If I hate something about myself, I can take steps to correct it (loose weight, workout, join the Hair Club for Men), or I can figure out why I hate this aspect of myself and see if there is a way to accept me for who I am. If what I hate about myself is unhealthy it is probably worth the effort to change that behavior, but with the understanding that people will not love me any more just because I am 20# lighter.

When so many people have told you, you weren't good enough,…

I thought people were telling me that I was not good enough, but it was my inner voice telling me that. It was echoes from my childhood when nothing was never enough. I won a race or two at a meet, but had I practiced harder I might have won 3. I was an Eagle Scout, but my mother was disappointed I did not also earn the religion medal.

I now work much more at being the person that I want to be. I am glad to shed friends and acquaintances (even a FWW if it comes to that) who do not like who I am, and I have better relationships with the people I do have around me because I am being an authentic me.

Life “its your thing, do what YOU wanna to do” as the Isely Brothers might say

-Ats


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still remember a huge moment in IC.

For as long as I could remember I knew I wasn't good enough.

My IC asked me how I knew and I shrugged, I dunno, I have just always known...kinda figured I was born with it.

She actually teared up and said "Karma , people are born knowing they are good...you were taught to feel bad"

I still struggle at times with it...and I cried the whole ride home that day.

We are all good Tattood, we might fall or make a wrong choice, but inside we all entered this world good. Don't let anyone take that away from you.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.