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User Topic: BS whats your input
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so everyone talks about once a cheater always a cheater...


how many had their WS prove this to be true ?
signs of a cheater ?
signs he/she would do it again?
was the WS confidant he/she wouldn't and then did and shocked about it?

did they confess?
did you find out?


if they confessed the first time did they confess a second would you think theyd confess a second time?



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
AStar
♀ Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS has a history of cheating... Previous wife and multiple girlfriends, ONS have come out recently- all before I met him. He had EA and that led to our DDay.
Do I want to believe that cheaters change? With every fibre of my being. In the case of my WH husband I wish he was the changed man he claims to be. In the quiet corners of my heart, there is a whisper of truth that I don't want to hear.
I doubt they change.

[This message edited by AStar at 1:39 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as my fWS, time will tell. I believe if she does the work on herself she can change.

As for me, I cheated in every relationship I had been in until about 10 years ago. My bottom was with drugs but it started serious introspection and work on myself. I have been faithful in the three relationships since. Even the thoughts of an RA were not enough for me to abandon myself and my values again.

People can change if they are willing.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H cheated on his ex, then cheated on me (one time WITH his ex... she was out for revenge on him and I was collateral damage). Anyway, when we first got together, he was confident he would never do it again, it was all her fault. I didn't know any better, so I went along with that. Enter me becoming a BS.

Since DDay though, H has done so much work on himself it's unreal. We've done lots of work as a couple too. He didn't confess to either his ex or me, was caught both times. And there were zero signs that he was cheating on me for 5 full years.... I literally stumbled upon it without even looking for it.

Today, almost 6 years later, I am quite confident that he won't do it again because of how much work he's done and how we both respond to issues now. I am aware that there is a chance he could, but I'm pretty comfortable saying I believe he won't let himself hurt like that again.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how many had their WS prove this to be true ?
Mr. Trac-Fone has stuck to this pattern. Even separated, he behaves in the same slimy, cheater-esque ways. He has serious intimacy issues.
signs of a cheater ?
He showed very few, though I can see some red flags in hindsight. Big ones.
signs he/she would do it again?
Refusal to admit early cheating, lack of remorse, lack of empathy
was the WS confidant he/she wouldn't and then did and shocked about it?
No. He was sure he wouldn't get caught, and that "then we'd be happy again." Magically. Because he retains the emotional maturity of a seven-year-old.

did they confess?
No. He denied even when there was evidence. He only admitted what he could not avoid admitting.
did you find out?
Yes. But there was a very long time during which I felt a profound disconnect---things just never were "right." I blamed myself for this--believed there must be something terribly wrong with ME that the connection was broken. (In reality, it had never existed; he just wore a shinier and more distracting mask early on.)

if they confessed the first time did they confess a second would you think theyd confess a second time?
My husband moved back home after a separation. Within 2 days, I discovered correspondence that made clear that he was in an affair. He did confess that it was with the "last" (not really, because he cheated on her, too) OW. But that wasn't really a confession---it was an unavoidable admission.

It also completely ended our marriage. I now know that R --at least the kind of R I wanted---isn't even a possibility with someone as disordered as he is.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:07 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8310 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fwh has cheated on both women he has told he loved. Under different situational circumstances but I believe the underlying 'why' is the same. I don't think he will cheat again because he never knew he had issues until this happened to us. And he's doing the work to change. Now, as to if I will stick around to find out is another story. No signs what so ever, happened out of town. He only got caught because ow was stupid and careless.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Topic Posts: 6

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