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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Nothing really was sacred, was it?
getting_stronger
♀ Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is going to sound SO petty, but I can't help it.

I found out a few days ago after looking through his phone, that he called her Princess. That's the name he has called me since I was 12 years old. That was MY pet name. He called me princess more than he called me by my name. And now he ruined it for me.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..

..there's nothing 'petty' about having one's life totally fucked over..

....

And now he ruined it for me.

smy..


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4125 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely NOT petty.

My WH never calls me by my real name, never...always a pet name. I would HATE to learn that he defiled my name by sharing it with his AP.

Yes, he did ruin it for you. Yet another thing destroyed by infidelity. Sometimes it feels as if it NEVER ends.

{{{getting_stronger}}}


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
hear-me-roar
♀ Member
Member # 17962
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could make your hurt go away. To me, it is not petty to be hurt deeply when you know your spouse used any endearing terms for someone else. It is even more hurtful in your situation. That was your treasured loving name for so long of time. To have it given so lightly to someone else, it just leaves you empty and questioning, "how could he".
Please don't go for long in reconciliation before letting him know this. I fear that now, everytime you hear "Princess", it will build-up inside to keep you down. I never want to be called by the two names I read in my husband's emails to her ("Sweetheart" and "My Love"). I had to explain to him and ask that he no longer use them in the cards he gives to me. I did it in my hear-me-whisper voice, not hear-me-roar. It has been seven years since my D-day. Things are great, but things are still stuck fresh in my head like it was yesterday. I just come here, the few times I need, to be with "my own kind". I know he feels bad of it all.
I'm not sure if what you found on the phone is new info or left from before. Either way, that sounds like a discussion to have. His keeping it still on the phone is no help for reconciliation. I wish you strength and the right words to say to explain it to him.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2008
getting_stronger
♀ Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't keep it on his phone- he deleted the text messages. Sadly, with an iPhone, you can search certain words and they will pop up, even if they are deleted. So that's how I discovered it.

He's being honest and transparent about everything. Doing everything he is supposed to do. But to actually see it in writing, when it wasn't written to me, hurt.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same here. WW and I called each other sweetie since day one off or 19 year marriage. The same name she and OM called each other.

Sucks. I'll never use it again.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait, it's not petty, but that's an old ploy to use the same pet name. They really aren't giving the AP special status, it's just easier to tack add another person to keep things straight and to keep from getting mixed up. She wasn't his Princess, u were.
We give too much power to the AP. He/she is with u not them. Your WW wants a life with U!

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand about feeling that nothing was sacred. I wish there was even one thing he said to himself, 'I can't do that... that's just going too far'. I think the truth is, he really didn't care about finding out what she liked, or what mattered to her. He didn't care about finding a name that was 'just for her'. He cared about knowing that everything he had been doing for ME all these years was actually as amazing as I had led him to believe.

I think they are lazy with the AP.. they just go with what they know works.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JM never called me by my name. Always a pet name that we used for each other.

When we began to move toward (false) R I noticed that he started calling me my name. After false R blew up I found love notes from OW calling him the same nickname. Pissed me right the f*** off.

After our true R began, I asked him if the reason he quit calling me the per name was because he had used it with her and he said yes. It made him uncomfortable. I told him that was too damn bad. That was MY name first and I wasn't allowing her to keep one single thing.

It was weird and it stung at first but I reclaimed my name.

Just another way of looking at it.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2746 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Scrn2008
♀ New Member
Member # 39698
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh did the same thing to me. I found out he would call her "beautiful" and that is what he always said to me. He use to sing me this song "loving you, is easy cuz you're beautiful." Now I cringe every time I hear that word. He definitely ruined that for me.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2013
EtTuBrute
♀ New Member
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH called me Darlin' when being affectionate towards me. He hadn't called me that in years, but began using it again recently with me.

It turns out though, that he called his ex-wife that too, so I wouldn't be surprised if he said that to every woman he's ever been attracted to.

I tend to use "sweetie" and "hon," and I've used those terms in previous relationships, but when I use them now, I don't think of those people.


BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing is sacred to a WS when they're living in a fantasy. My H took the OW to places she didn't belong, places that ment something to me that were opertune places for him to get away with his OW. Nothing is sacred, ever, for a WS.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He took her to the same show on the same beach where he had proposed to me fourteen years prior. {He also took me and the kids the week before he took her}

Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2012
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all married real pieces of work, didn't we?! That's sad.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
16forever
♀ Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iam pretty sure my WS have her his class ring because when he moved back home it wasn't with him , he said he gave it to her to keep safe .... Ummm even thow he took his SAFE with him to her house now why would u give it to her to keep safe then uh he also called her beautiful and her bought her flowers and took her to the movies and he took her to the hills to go shooting those were our things and then there the fact he told her he loved her and would some day Marry her that's were I think the ring went ... And he had given me that ring when we were first together


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing is sacred to a WS when they're living in a fantasy. My H took the OW to places she didn't belong, places that ment something to me that were opertune places for him to get away with his OW. Nothing is sacred, ever, for a WS.

No, I don't agree. One of the things that snapped my husband out of the fog was...he felt AP was trying to get pregnant. Who he chose to have his children with was sacred. He didn't care about her sexual fulfillment. I don't know how to say it but he didn't care about roughing up her lady parts. There were so many things he didn't do with AP. Yes somethings were sacred to the marriage and were saved. They just didn't have that comfort level.

Also because it was a fairy tale, she couldn't say no, or disagree or suggest he wasn't doing -insert act here here- correct.

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 7:22 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And he had given me that ring when we were first together

So she wasn't special enough for him to buy her a new ring? I'll bet if he buys her lingerie he probably took some of your old dirty ones and gave them to her too.

All I see here are a bunch of lazy WW to cheap and non creative to anything new and AP desperate for left overs. If I were the AP I'd be pissed to know I was given a used ring, a used name, and a used vacation.

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 7:28 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the hurt...I would feel the same if I thought my H had ever called her "baby" as that is what he calls me 90% of the time. On the other hand, I agree with so many. They really have no imagination and just do what they have always done...easier for them and not calculated. The worst of it for us is how it takes away the "special" feeling we associate with the names.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
bestbecameworst
♀ Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always just assumed he used the same pet names so that he wouldn't call me someone else's name by accident.

I now insist on being called by my real name - always.

And, I'm getting a divorce.

bbw


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it amazing how many things are ruined because what we thought was sacred and ours turns out not to be true. For me, my fWH did many things with her, that were MINE! There is so much pain to muddle thru.

((getting_stronger))


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
Topic Posts: 38
Pages: 1 · 2

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