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User Topic: I'm going to hate myself...
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if I'm fooled again. About a month ago WH and I decided to give it one more chance. But wasn't that what I was doing for a year and a half? Chance after chance. Time after time being shown who he was. Time after time finding out he didn't have it in him. Time after time being emotionally abused. What makes this time different? Honestly...I have no freaking clue. Maybe it's knowing that I know how to detach. Maybe it's knowing that I had power in this too and being ok without him. When I say I'm giving him another chance I do feel like that abused wife with a black eye and broken arm who goes back to her husband while everyone tells her she is crazy (WH has never hit me...that was just an analogy). I don't want to be wrong. I've wanted us to work since the beginning. I just didn't want to be emotionally abused...and we got to the point where I had to walk away from the marriage to get it to stop. I feel stupid for giving him this chance. I feel scared. But I'm hopeful. And I feel stupid for feeling hopeful. It's like I don't want to jinx myself. If I say that I'm optomistic or that thing are going great, that everything will fall apart. Because isn't that where so many of us were on DDay? Blindsided. Last time I was happy he was cheating on me. Well, here's to hope.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1718 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((TCD))))

No words of wisdom, just hugs and hope that you both can make it work.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I understand where you're coming from.

Every time I feel my guard lowering and hope creeping in, I want to get all protective and shut down again... but that's no way to live a life.

Nothing you do here is stupid, TCD. You just have to go with what feels right, and if that changes then you change course.

It's scary to think about being vulnerable, but being able to let go of some things is where real peace lives, I think.

I'm working on it too.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17066 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TCD,

Last time I was happy he was cheating on me

I so know that feeling...it's hard to get comfortable again, isn't it? Good luck. You've been around long enough to know what you are getting into. No risk, no reward, but failure is going to hurt.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't a lot of music theme, development, repeats, resolution? (I hope this isn't another example of 'a little learning is a dangerous thing'.... )

I hope this is the resolution coming up, and I hope it gives you the M that you want.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not so much a feeling of, "what am I going to do if he does a, b, c again." It's more like me screaming at myself, "what are ya...an idiot?"


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1718 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a weird way (not meaning to offend anyone), sometimes I think I would have rather had a black eye or a broken arm than the words that cut me so deeply.. Maybe he could have actually "seen" what he was putting me through. The pain from his emotional abuse has lasted so long and been so hard to heal from. Even separating his words from reality was tough at times..

You're a strong girl China Doll. I would keep your defenses up for a while and make him EARN back your trust and vulnerability. Watch.His.Actions.

Sending you lots of hugs and support and good wishes that he treats you with the respect you deserve.

T/J. How did the job search go? Still looking for a music teaching job?


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2107 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last time I was happy he was cheating on me

I know the feeling, my WS always treats me better when there is someone else. I'm hoping this time it's really his desire to R like he says, and it's not just a smoke screen.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TCD, you're in my prayers. If you read my profile, you'll see that I had a LOT to get past. (as did JM)

And this last go-round... I truly thought I was done. I did not want things to work out but I never felt any peace about moving on either. When we started talking R, (again!) I was so scared. Felt so foolish. And when he broke NC...man, did I ever feel like the world's biggest idiot.

But he truly has done the work to become a safe person and a Godly man who is leading us. If anyone had told me 2 years ago where we'd be today, I would suggest they go to rehab.

There is hope. But I also believe you are strong enough to handle whatever life throws at you. You are gonna be okay, no matter what.

(((TCD)))


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2709 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally off the topic of my thread but of course I was feeling triggery about the baby thing last night and today. I had posted about not liking my body even though I've lost almost 50 pounds because its a reminder of the miscarriage and feeling like I'm trying to be like OW. So what happens just now? I started my period. Another reminder of the miscarriage and a future ruined by the A. Day 25 of my cycle so way early. Uuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhh.

Anyway, back to the topic. ButterflyGirl - not a damn thing came through. And nothing else makes sense at the moment to do because of childcare.

Thank you every one for the positive thoughts. I worry that this is like the parent that never follows through and gets taken advantage of by the kids.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1718 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TCD))) you will so be in my prayers tonight.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4777 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 11

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