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User Topic: Physical violence comparison on threads
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mods if neccessary: Please feel free to take this down

I really just wanted to comment on the amount of physical violence comparisons, rape comparisons etc that I keep reading.

It is all different for everyone how they handle trauma and whilst some people would say they would rather be raped or experience physical violence. I'm only going to comment on the physical violence: in my situation (who has experienced both) I would far prefer the infidelity any day of the week. That is just me and does not represent anyone else. I just don't think it's fair when people who haven't experience it would say that they would prefer the physical violence. That's a huge assumption.

For example

It is far easier to work on infidelity in our situation, because WH won't talk about it with me, he's too ashamed, he talks to his IC about it...rarely but yes ongoing. I've found more support over his infidelity than his Physical violence with friends and mentors and I can't wear necklaces or jumpers with high collars anymore, when my hair hits my neck... and sometimes when I'm typing or laying down I can feel his hands around my neck. or it can happen just for the sake of it happening, even just thinking about it I can feel it now.

It is far worse than his infidelity. Far worse. So this is just my interpretation on someone who has experienced both: which is we don't know how we would handle it until we've faced it, maybe you would find physical abuse easier to cope with... I don't know.

Thanks for reading this.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((lauren))))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25316 | Registered: Aug 2011
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lauren123)))
I admire your strength, Lauren123, and your courage.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's interesting how often people feel the need to compare... "this is better than that". "My WS did X, but at least s/he didn't do Y". I think we've always got to resist the temptation to do that. First, because it might well be offensive to someone like Lauren, who really experienced X. And second, what the hell does it matter? pain is pain, and let's just try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt that their experience is uniquely awful. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Strength and hugs to you.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
1devastedmom
♀ Member
Member # 38399
Wink  Posted: 9:41 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was supposed to be the one person who I could trust yet he did this to me premeditated knowing the pain that it would cause. Sometimes it's tools much to bare.

[This message edited by 1devastedmom at 7:52 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 138 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never understand when someone wants to tell people how they should feel- everyone has their own experiences and feelings surrounding them.

Why does your experience with physical violence outweigh my experience with infidelity? If I think my pain, in my opinion, is worse than pain I'd feel after being physically assaulted, that is my experience.

I also dislike having to censor my feelings because my opinion on what is worse may be offensive to another person. That's ridiculous.

My pain is mine.

Your pain is yours.

There is no need to tell me a comparison I make isn't fair to you-- it really doesn't have anything to do with you.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 10:02 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3582 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PurpleRose: maybe I didn't articulate it properly. If so that is my fault, I'm sorry didn't explain it well enough. But
Why does your experience with physical violence outweigh my experience with infidelity?
that is definately not what I'm trying to convey AT ALL.

If anything that (very very roughly) is my point.
I'm sorry I didn't explain that in a way that didn't articulate that to you.

He was supposed to be the one person who I could trust yet he did this to me premeditated knowing the pain that it would cause. Sometimes it's too much to bare.

1devastedmom: totally understand we all feel our pain in different ways (hug).


Blobette, StrongerOne, NowIknow23

Thanks for the hugs, and understanding, really means a lot. Never been a huggie person But I really need them today

[This message edited by lauren123 at 10:22 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always look at these threads as a way to categorize the pain. To quantify it in a way that is universally recognized.

What I think every time one of these "it's worse than ..." threads comes around is

1. Infidelity is the worst thing that has happened to most of the people here. It is the most recent worst thing- so even if not the worst, it is right now.

2. It hurts so freaking bad that the language we previously had doesn't come close to releasing the pain or describing it. I learned so many new words...... But trying to use old words/experiences is common too.

3. Our society has romanticized, sanitized and tacitly accepted infidelity so to use infidelity as the marker against which we judge other horrendous pains just doesn't work.

4. So many people suffer infidelity in silence or with sideways slide away pity unlike more socially accepted causes of grief. Your office doesn't send frozen dinners, the church doesn't take up a sympathy offering.

5. People who are hurting are immersed in the current pain of it and the "oh, well, at least I don't have cancer" mind set just isn't there.

I think it is very natural to want to classify things, pain included.

To everyone who has pains and grief that is worse in their lives than the infidelity we all share, I am so sorry. Sympathetic. That much pain should not be brought to one person in multiple forms. Three years out, and I can imagine things that would be worse. I won't mention them because I am that superstitious...

Also, having survived? That pain is not in my face, clogging my throat, weighing on me every single second. But I do remember.

(((hugs))) to everyone.

(((lauren)))

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 12:20 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5820 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
letitout
♀ Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laren123, I agree with everything you said. I don't have any particular incite to share, but it resonated with me.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
broken81
♀ Member
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that someone who hasnt exprienced "x" can not say they would rather have "x" vs "y".
We know all too well that thinking, Im sure every single BS said I would be out the door if they cheat. Yet here we are because you dont really know until you are living it.
Everyone is different though in how well they handle different kinds of situations.
For me infidelity has been worse than an abusive relationship. My relationship prior to WH was abusive. I had the fear of being hurt by this person but i knew what could happen.
With WH he was my protector and would never hurt me so his betrayal was soo much worse because i didnt see it coming.
I have read on here other woman saying dealing with infertility was worse than infedility. It was opposite for me. Hands down infidelity is the worst thing for me and infertility is horrible.
It is unreal all the bad things people go through and survive..its sad but also gives hope.


Me BS
him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2012
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have lived both. XWH#1 was physically abusive and was unfaithful with ONS's for many years. WH#2 has never been physically violent toward me but his LTA has been the worse thing that has ever happened to me. That is just my comparison. Everyone is different in what they are able to deal with. I can't compare what is worse for someone else. It is like comparing EA to LTA. Each has it's own unique circumstances and how it affects the BS. Anyone that says theirs is worse because of.....is only saying how they feel, not how everyone should feel. Why I was able to deal with many ONS's with XWH#1 better than 1 LTA of WH#2 is becuase of the way I viewed the man himself and the A. I knew that XWH#1 never cared for the women he had ONS's with, I can't say the same about the LTA that WH#2 had. See it is my why's and my situation, not someone elses why's and their stuation.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes the comparison is used to express how severely someone feels about something.

I have never been raped, so I would hope I wouldn't compare being raped to anything - because you never really know till it happens to you.

But if I ever did compare my husband's infidelity to something that I have never actually experienced, I think it would be for emphasis.

I cannot even fathom the pain and suffering - physically and emotionally - of being raped. Or cancer. Or losing aa child. Etc.

But if I said that infidelity hurts MORE than that - maybe that is my way of saying, "Those things are the worst things I can think of...and my infidelity was worse than that."

You are right - we never know till it happens to us. But, I think if we compare, we use examples of things we feel are totally horrifying and painful - to try to express how awful the infidelity was.

Does that make sense?


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caregiver......great post. I needed to read that today.

To everyone else, i am sorry that many of your have lived in a world I can only try and comprehend. The only bad thing my hubby did was have an A. I can't even imagine what it would be like to experience V along side of A.

I have said only one thing to my hubby that I will stand by forever. I would have much rather he had come clean in the very beginning of the A and cut me loose. It would have saved me trying to sort through 4 years of deceitful loss of my life. recovering from a truth to me is easier then having to try and understand everything that went on for 4 years.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: great post, caregiver!

Pain comparisons are unique to the individual. I was raised by a sociopath and an alcoholic. I was hit by a truck @ 19 and have had pain every day since. I've been raped, and have lost a second-trimester pregnancy. I've endured the gruesome deaths of 2 family members (one of whose death anniversaries is today). I have cared for a desperately ill husband, and a son so deeply depressed I feared for his life.

Only the last--my son's (infidelity-triggered depression) comes close to the years-long gaslighting, emotional abuse, and infidelity with std transmission.

My kids' pain pretty much trumps everything. But in terms of my own pain--this is the worst.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:01 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8684 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pain comparisons are unique to the individual. I was raised by a sociopath and an alcoholic. I was hit by a truck @ 19 and have had pain every day since. I've been raped, and have lost a second-trimester pregnancy. I've endured the gruesome deaths of 2 family members (one of whose death anniversaries is today). I have cared for a desperately ill husband, and a son so deeply depressed I feared for his life.

Only the last--my son's (infidelity-triggered depression) comes close to the years-long gaslighting, emotional abuse, and infidelity with std transmission.

My kids' pain pretty much trumps everything. But in terms of my own pain--this is the worst.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8684 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's futile to compare one person's situation to another because everyone is different, but what I've learned about PTSD, it's equally difficult to compare our past with our present in some cases because we don't know what situation is going to affect us or why or to what extent.

It was in another relationship that physical abuse and death threats occurred for me. Turns out at the end, during the worst of it, XBF was having an affair. Knowing what I know now I shouldn't be surprised the abuse escalated during that time. Affairs can bring out the worst in people, as we see every day on this site. I didn't really care that he found someone else. Sure it was a hit to my self-esteem, and he pointed out every flaw I had, but I was more relieved than anything because it was my ticket out of there. I walked away thinking that the abuse and his infidelity didn't affect me that much. To an outsider or therapist, that relationship would have been far more traumatic.

20+ years later, my husband's affair had much more impact. More than I would have ever thought possible. I didn't think he was capable of such deceit and because he knew what I've been through in the past and I trusted him completely. He'd never shown that I shouldn't. With the XBF, nothing was really hidden. He was a monster in the daylight and I saw the abuse coming.

After Dday I had (have) PTSD symptoms. My long-buried past traumas came to the surface. I started calling my husband my XBF's name, a name I hadn't said out loud in 20+ years. I feared my husband, who'd never laid a hand on me. I was traumatized by the past and my false reality of the present and I couldn't deny it.

http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/CPTSD.html

Complex PTDS
When people have been trapped in a situation over which they had little or no control at the beginning, middle or end, they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed. This is because they know how bad things can possibly be. And they know that it could possibly happen again. And they know that if it ever does happen again, it might be worse than before.

The degree of C-PTSD trauma cannot be defined purely in terms of the trauma that a person has experienced. It is important to understand that each person is different and has a different tolerance level to trauma. Therefore, what one person may be able to shake off, another person may not. Therefore more or less exposure to trauma does not necessarily make the C-PTSD any more or less severe.

C-PTSD sufferers may "stuff" or suppress their emotional reaction to traumatic events without resolution either because they believe each event by itself doesn't seem like such a big deal or because they see no satisfactory resolution opportunity available to them. This suppression of "emotional baggage" can continue for a long time either until a "last straw" event occurs, or a safer emotional environment emerges and the damn begins to break.

The "Complex" in Complex Post Traumatic Disorder describes how one layer after another of trauma can interact with one another. Sometimes, it is mistakenly assumed that the most recent traumatic event in a person's life is the one that brought them to their knees. However, just addressing that single most-recent event may possibly be an invalidating experience for the C-PTSD sufferer. Therefore, it is important to recognize that those who suffer from C-PTSD may be experiencing feelings from all their traumatic exposure, even as they try to address the most recent traumatic event.
This is what differentiates C-PTSD from the classic PTSD diagnosis - which typically describes an emotional response to a single or to a discrete number of traumatic events.

Lauren wrote:

I can't wear necklaces or jumpers with high collars anymore, when my hair hits my neck... and sometimes when I'm typing or laying down I can feel his hands around my neck. or it can happen just for the sake of it happening, even just thinking about it I can feel it now.

Lauren, regardless of what has brought this on, I hope you are getting help for what you have described is happening to you. Take care.

[This message edited by DixieDevastated at 10:17 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Topic Posts: 16

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