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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: what now
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Sad  Posted: 10:08 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about a month ago that my WH cheated on me 8 years ago which resulted in child. He didnt know until she found him earlier this year and presented him with his son. We have 3 kids ourself and this little boy falls between our 2nd and 3rd child. When he met up with the OW this year(behind my back) they slept together twice, she wanted a relationship. She told him she would treat him better and that I can be replaced. I am so, so angry and hurt. I go from happy to mad to sad so quickly. I feel like I'm going crazy. How can I forgive this. In my heart I know it's not the little boys fault but how do I accept this child into my home. I don't want to be selfish and if he created a child he should take care of him; but I just don't think I can stick around.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what an incredibly diddicult situation for you to be in... but the boy is not yours so you have no responsibility to him. he is the responsibility of the OW and WH. one thing to keep in mind since you seem like you are afraid of hurting an innocent child is this: How would including this boy in your family effect YOUR children?? they need to come first.. this is a mess your H made. You need to protect your kids from this.... IMHO... a sincere good luck and so very sorry

[This message edited by TS68 at 11:02 PM, August 12th (Monday)]



Married 20 years

Posts: 155 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids know. She showed up at my house to introduce them to their brother because "he has the right to know his siblings". We happened to be outside the day she showed up - i thought my H was going to sh*t himself. Anyway, my children (except the youngest because she doesn't understand) have decided they want nothing to do with the little boy and nothing to do with the mother.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Stronger))) Welcome to SI, I am sorry for your pain. There is a thread in the "I Can Relate" forum which is for those dealing with an OC (other child), which you may find very helpful and extra supportive of your dilemma.

Has there been DNA testing done to prove if this child is your H's or not? I am so sorry, this must be a terribly difficult and confusing situation to deal with.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9651 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. He took a "motherless Paternity test" (just him and the kid were swabbed) the DNA markers all match.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:55 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I'm so sorry. What a terrible situation.

Is H remorseful? Has he given you full disclosure? Are you seeing counsellors. I totally understand how difficult the OC must make everything but the A itself is still the real issue (IMO).
Take care of yourself.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
pregnantandsad
♀ Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I can't believe she showed up at your house and introduced OC to your kids.

Lots of hugs for you


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You dont have to welcome this into your life. Many members are dealing with an OC(other child) situation...and the WH had to make a choice..the marriage or the OC..I know it sounds wrong..but it's ALL wrong..it's unfair..but it's unfair to you and your kids.

So..he had an affair 8 years ago..and had sex with her twice this past year? How did they just meet up? It sounds like there had to be some contact leading up to the sex.

What is he doing to show you he wants to R? Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his accounts and his cell? Is he answering all of your questions,without blame or anger? Is he in IC?

He needs to go no contact with this OW. If the two of you decide this child will be in your lives,then you can set up all communication to be done through emails..and only you will handle that..your WH has NO contact.

That she brought this OC..at 7,8 years old to your home..because SHE decided it was ok..is just despicable..the confusion that had to cause your poor kids..and now they know daddy had an affair..and they are just so young to have to deal with that. Are they in IC?
There is a thread in the I can Relate forum for members who are dealing with an OC.

(((((strongerbytheday))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7123 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Confused615 -

She found him on Facebook and messaged him. Said she had something important to tell him. So he met up with her and thats when all this unfolded/unravelled...whatever.
They have NC, he's changed his number and his email. He's answering my questions, but also gets frustrated because he says, I ask the same questions over and over..which admittedly, I do. Because I just can't believe it. My daughter's are doing better but they still bottle up a lot. We're all in IC...and this miserable b*tch is acting like the victim, like she's so innocent in all this. Then, she said to me, "I don't even know why I'm explaining myself to you. Your H is in the wrong, he better be there for my child." and then goes on to tell me "You're a great woman, you can do better then your H."


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh..stop listening to her. She's a loony bitch.

The reason you ask the same question over and over..and over..is because you have been traumatized. Finding out you have been betrayed is a trauma..and the way you found out..AND an OC..honey..you have been deeply traumatized. I'd bet you are still in shock. Anyway,the reason we ask the same questions is because that is how our brains process the shock and the trauma of all of this...and then..months after the shock has worn off..you will continue to ask the same things because you need honest..CONSISTENT answers. Because he has destroyed your trust. It takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit..and that's if you have remorseful WS who is working hard on themselves to change whatever it was that made this "ok" in their minds.


How does your WH feel about this child. Is he insisting you accept this child? Is he willing to go NC with them? How is he handling all of this?

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:49 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7123 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never thought of this as a trauma. Seriously. I always thought of trauma something war vet's (PTSD) and victims of violence go through. But, I guess this is an emotional trauma. Sucks right now, but, will get better. Thanks confused615

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 12:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry i forgot to answer confused615's other answers:

Sorry I missed your other question. Right now, he doesn't want a relationship with his OC and he doesn't expect me to have one either. He says he'd much rather have me and his children. But...I think that's selfish too. So I'm confused. He's telling me he'll have NC with OW and OC. As much as I could say, good, now lets work on us, I can't say that. It's his selfish stupid actions that created this OC...he has responsibilities now, and I can't be the reason he turns his back on this little boy. I'm so confused!

and thanks all for the support and hugs

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:28 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please post on the OC thread in the ICR forum..they will help you with those feelings about the OC...they're much better equipped to help you with that than I am.

You will find there are many BS's here on SI who suffer from PTSD. (I am one) Unfortunately,it seems to be very common.


Im so sorry you have to deal with this. I can't imagine having to deal with an OC..whether their is contact or not.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:34 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7123 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have started posting on ICR. Thanks for all your help though, the info on trauma was an eyeopener. Thanks again - while I hate to be on this site, I'm thankful there are people who can say, "I understand" and mean it


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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