Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: formerlyjoyful (44597)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Devastated
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is the short version...

I've been with my husband for nearly 24 years. We've had issues off and on like most couples do. The first weekend in june he told me that he was thinking of leaving me- that he wasnt happy and hadnt been for awhile...i was completely blindsided...crushed...devastateed...

About 4 weeks ago I found out he is having an affair. He ended it about 2 weeks ago.

Other than the obvious, current problem, the thing I keep hearing is that he doesn't desire me physically anymore. He says he loves me and I am the greatest woman he has ever met, he just doesn't want me se*ually anymore.

He states this has been an issue for about 1.5 years prior to the affair.

He asked to go to counseling when we had our first talk a couple of months ago. He says he doesn't feel like he will ever get those feelings back for me. Is this common? CAN those feelings be rekindled?

I am completely devastated. This man is the love of my life. Some days I can hardly function. We have both started individual counseling and I have made great progress already on some of the areas that he stated he needed change in.

Please give me some encouragement. Tell me that those feelings can come back, even though he feels like they are dead and gone.

I feel like I'm dying inside.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1818 | Registered: Aug 2013
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nekorb)))

I'm so sorry honey. What pain you must be feeling.

I have no experience with this topic but wanted you to know you have been heard. I have read here of people whose WS was able to rekindle those feelings.

I'm glad you are both in counseling, but it seems wrong that you are expected to do all the changing when your WH was the one who cheated. There is NO excuse for infidelity.

My heart goes out to you. Please keep posting.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Concerned  Posted: 2:33 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for your situation and can completely relate with our feelings, all of them.

In order for a person to cheat, most of them have to find "reasons" to justify it in their own minds. This is called "rewriting marital history" and it is combined with some sense of entitlement as a result.

It sounds like that is what your WH is doing via the statement:

he just doesn't want me se*ually anymore. He states this has been an issue for about 1.5 years prior to the affair.

My H said during and for a while after the A that he hadn't L me for 5 years. That was news to me! He had acted very loving, told me he L me, etc. during all those years.

When he had come completely out of the fog of the A, he admitted that he had convinced himself about the 5 year thing, in order to justify the A, and that he did love me during the previous 5 years....he just forgot it for a few weeks during the A.

Your H's A ended 2 weeks ago. He is still very close to it, and is still has very foggy thinking. Are you sure the A ended?

It is a good sign that your WH wants to go to MC, but it sounds like you need a different MC. The red flag is that you seem to be taking responsibility for his choice to cheat, and you are doing all the work:

I have made great progress already on some of the areas that he stated he needed change in.

Before the M can heal, your WH needs to work on figuring out and fixing whatever inside him gave him permission to step outside the M and cheat on you.

No matter how much fixing you do on yourself, if he hasn't dealt with his own brokenness and fix that, the M is doomed, because he will fall into old patterns which most likely will include seeking affirmation, sex, whatever outside the M.

Is your WH in IC? Is your MC confronting the infidelity and putting the cause squarely on WH's shoulders or is he/she blaming it on you and those things H wants you to fix?

Have you read the Healing Library? It is in the upper left hand corner of your screen. There you will find comfort, guidance and some sanity.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I reading this correctly?

Your husband of nearly 24 years had an affair behind your back for more than a year, blamed his affair on your failings, and then convinced you to go to IC to work on your failings in the hopes you could win him back?

Unfortunately, this is a common theme. But that is not the way healing from infidelity works. The time to work on the marriage issues was BEFORE he went outside your marriage!!

Please don't think you are the first to be told that your spouse cheated because you were lacking in some way, but it is NOT TRUE. He did not cheat because you were sexually unappealing. He cheated because he was selfish, broken, and believed he was entitled to do something because he wanted to.

Does your IC know about the cheating?

(((hugs))) to you. I am actually quite angry at your WH on your behalf.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5751 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell me that those feelings can come back, even though he feels like they are dead and gone.

I forgot to add, those feelings can come back for him....when he realizes that he is in grave danger of losing you because of his own bad behavior.

Many, many couples experience HB (hysterical bonding...having lots and lots of sex for a while) when the WS comes out of the fog, but first the WS needs to begin to face the magnitude of what they did to their M and BS.

A big cyber hug for you ((((nekorb))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had the "I havent loved you for X amount of time" too. His was 9 months. He had no feelings for me for 9 months. Now, that he's out of the fog and we talk he cannot explain where that number came from. I point to things he did and said during that 9 month period that points to totally different feelings for me. He cant give me anything to prove he had not feelings for me during that time. Its the fog and rewriting history. He needs to work on himself really hard and discover whats inside to allow him to do this to you. I believe feeling can be revived with time spent together, dating again, etc. That spark is still there, its just been covered up by his fantasy with her. He needs to understand that "love" is more than just jittery feelings. He has to choose to love and put actions to that choice. There's more to life than "feelings".


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the support.

To clarify...we both have unresolved issues relating to abuse we suffered as children. He had areas of unhappiness in our marriage that would be resolved/improved by my working through these issues....it is also helping me greatly as well because I am finally taking my power back from my abusers. I'm just hoping my fear of addressing these things hasn't cost me my marriage.

We haven't started our MC yet as the counselor we saw on the first visit said, "yeah, ok. You both need IC before we can even think about MC!".

And yes, my husband is going to his IC faithfully and has really hit it off with the counselor, which I am so thankful for. We have been to counseling in the past to try and work on these issues without success, largely because I think he didn't click with the counselor s and I didn't acknowledge that - so we haven't had good or successful counseling in the past.

He also is not pinning the affair on me at all, just saying that he has been unhappy and thinking of leaving for quite some time, but never said anything because of the kids, our family, etc.

He also states that he still loves me very much, I am his best friend, I am such a great mother and I keep a wonderful home for him and the kids, he just has no sexual feelings for me at all....( but somehow none of that seems to matter when he is considering whether or not to leave the relationship...SERIOUSLY mixed messages...)

I'm clearly in that hysterical bonding phase because I desperately want to be with him! But...he has said he wants to refrain from any type of sexual relations until he is positive he is staying in the marriage and that if we have a sexual relationship again, I will know that it is because he loves me and is committing to me.

He also still needs to get his STD tests done.

I know he is confused right now. I know he misses her. I know he feels horrible and like an unworthy human being right now. The A goes against everything he believes in.

I think I have already made the mistake of trying to push things a bit, asking for reassurances, etc. I am going to pray for the strength to just back off and sit quietly so he can think. I'm going to do my own hard work in therapy and let his therapist do his thing. We are hoping to start the MC portion of things in the next 2-3 weeks or so.

If there is a good side to things, the affair pushed me back into therapy, which is helping me resolve my lingering abuse issues and is allowing me to re-establish my faith and relationship with God. So that's a mini bright side....

If you are still reading.

Thanks.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1818 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and because *i* am in a fog I have to clarify the timeline....

He ended it about 2.5 weeks ago, then I found out August 6th that he had called her because we had a fight the evening before and they met up on the 6th...I confronted him, his mother told him to get his shit together and decide what he wants to do, and he called her and ended it...again.

Then the next evening, she saw him at a work function and said she couldn't do it anymore...the uncertainty, etc...and said to him, "you're either trying to work it out with your wife or you aren't." . He told her he was and she told him not to contact her again.

So really, he is only 6 days out of not seeing her.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1818 | Registered: Aug 2013
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our stories are almost identical on the surface, so I DO feel like maybe there's something I can share that will help?

My WH and I weren't doing so well. I could just feel it, but when I tried to talk to him about it, he suggested we wait until "after the holidays." How ominous is that? Like I'd be able to put my fears to rest and go merrily on my way for two months? I suggested we both work on something that bothered the other one most. He declined. Wanted professional help for that.

So . . . I did it anyway, picked something that I knew bothered him and tried to work on it. In our case, it was how I didn't like to be intimate with the lights on, didn't like to be seen naked, wasn't very spontaneous sexually. I wasn't fat; I was plump. And, since he is a SA and has spent lots of time viewing pornography, I just didn't feel like I measured up. He'd always assure me that the SA was about him--his problem--and had nothing to do with me or how I looked. The inferiority feelings, though. Ugh.

I figured the only way to feel better about myself and to feel confident initiating sex was to lose weight. So my son and I started going to the gym. And I stopped eating as much. Move more; eat less. Two months later, when I actually found out about his affair, I had lost 20 pounds (and have since lost 30 more).

Before his A, we were at an impasse. He wanted a partner who was interested in sex; I wanted a partner who didn't make me feel deficient when it came to sex. The fact that I made changes--without knowing he was having an A but just knowing he was miserably unhappy with the status quo--is what made him decide to reconcile.

He's still a SA and will always be. But he's trying to work on that and I'm continuing to work on my self image. We'll never be completely healed, but progress is good.

Back when I was first losing weight and trying to initiate sex, I got turned down a lot. I couldn't understand it. A SA refusing sex? What I didn't know is that he'd been dropped by the OW and was acting out with a prostitute (and then a couple escorts). In my innocence--knowing nothing of "fog"--I asked if he was ever going to want to make love to me again. He said he just didn't know. He just didn't feel that way about me anymore--even though he loved me.

That's hard to take, isn't it? It, too, devastated me. I persevered, hoping to get through to him. Eventually, I did. Today, although not all else is perfect (will it ever be?), we have a sweet, sexual relationship that is more fun than we've had in a long time. As I feel better about myself and as he emerges from the fog, I can see how POWERFUL that fog was/is.

So, in case my post is too incoherent, do something for yourself that MAY also help him. Lose some weight. Buy some more attractive clothes. Apply your make-up differently. Get a haircut you've always wanted. Be beautiful for yourself, realizing that the A was the catalyst but that the changes can only be good. Don't dye your hair a color he likes; dye your hair a color YOU like. Make sense?

As you feel better about yourself and as your real husband "resurfaces," the emotional and physical intimacy should both return. With those two things come lots of even better things. I wish you the best! Hugs.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 5:58 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 433 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We haven't started our MC yet as the counselor we saw on the first visit said, "yeah, ok. You both need IC before we can even think about MC!".

Sounds like a good counselor!

Working on your pre M issues is great and will only strengthen the two of you, as well as your M.

He contacted OW after you had a fight, and the only reason he is not seeing her is because she doesn't want to be the other woman, but wants to be the only woman. Had she not set that ultimatum, it sounds like he would have kept her on a string for the next time you two fought.

he has said he wants to refrain from any type of sexual relations until he is positive he is staying in the marriage and that if we have a sexual relationship again, I will know that it is because he loves me and is committing to me

His excuse for not wanting to be intimate with you is lame. You are his W, and he committed to you when he M you. It sounds like an excuse, something that you might find more palatable, like he is taking the high moral ground.

How long will you be able to live in a sexless M, regardless of the platitudes he bestows on you regarding your ability as a mother, housekeeper, best friend, etc?

What he is saying just doesn't make sense. Usually whenever I read something like that here on SI, it means the WS is getting it (sex) somewhere else, or at least is looking at pornography.

I am so sorry.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..And so here it is 2:12am...

and I just found the new email account he has been using to contact her..you know...since the LAST time he ended it...and I found a new number he has been talking to her on his cell with.

I don't know if I want to wake him up and scream at him or just lay down and sob...

why is this happening to me???


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1818 | Registered: Aug 2013
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to 180. Accept that he is "choosing" her and make yourself unavailable. Don't cook for him, don't ask for his attention or his reassurance. Take care of your own personal needs and your financial security. Focus on you and not on him.

The worst thing you can do is fight for him with tears and attention and begging. The ego boost of having two women fighting for him is more than he deserves. Let him get a taste of what choosing her means exactly. Take yourself out of the equation. This is called closing the bakery by many people on SI. You might hear that phrase.

I am so sorry.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5751 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
RedWheelBarrow
♀ Member
Member # 38966
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eerily similar to my situation when I first began finding out. I am sorry. Don't tell him you know about the new stuff yet. Get more information first, if you can. In my case I got over 1000 emails, detailing what I was really up against. Reading them did help me to detach quite a bit.
My WH also said he wasn't interested sexually, that he loved me so much, that I was the best mother ever, was his best friend, yada yada. Went to counseling, IC and MC, said he was not talking to her, while they were secretly having sex all the time and planning their new life together, right under my nose.
It could help to get a tracking device on his car, cell phone, VAR, etc.
180

((hugs))


Me: BW 50
Him:Rockstar late 50's
DS: 10 , so precious.
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger than him, left her BH for my prize beast.
He moved in with her April,2013.
D Filed 4/

Posts: 104 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, because I am who I am, I thought about it, said a little prayer, and went upstairs and woke him up.

I just quietly said, "I really need you to stop calling her and emailing her if you expect us to have a chance.".

That turned into a quiet but long discussion. I asked if he had lied about her saying she wanted NC and he said no. So I said, "so you aren't respecting her boundaries. You aren't being fair to her, to yourself, or to me.". He said, "she said the same thing.".

The contact has been sporadic..he said he was just trying to kind of wean down and said how hard it was...he apologized of course and we agreed on a plan to deal with the urge to call her.

I asked him to draw on the love that he has for his children and our family unit to help him resist if his love for me isn't enough right now.

I'm probably breaking all the SI rules, but I'm doing what is in my heart...

I *have * been doing something for myself, which is getting to the park to walk several times a week. I have been trying to lose weight anyway, this whole situation is definitely making it easier because I ally don't want to eat anyway! BUT - I do eat when I'm hungry.

He's left for work now. I'm exhausted. I'm going to try and sleep a bit and then go to the park.

So....start the countdown over. Day 1 of NC.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1818 | Registered: Aug 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..And so here it is 2:12am...
and I just found the new email account he has been using to contact her..you know...since the LAST time he ended it...and I found a new number he has been talking to her on his cell with.

I don't know if I want to wake him up and scream at him or just lay down and sob...

why is this happening to me???


Ugh..this is exactly what I was going to post about.

Unfortunately, the clear majority do NOT go NC with their affair partners. They just find different methods of communication and other avenues that you don't know about. Pay-as-you-go cell phones, the OW gets a phone on her family plan and gives it to him, new email accounts you don't know about, phone apps that don't keep history, and on and on and on. Hell, it takes all of 3 minutes to create a new free web-based email account - and that's the one they'll use while you're diligently monitoring the email account you DO know about.

And most unfortunately, you are indeed breaking all the SI rules with respect to giving him a chance to lie to you over and over and over again.

Please read up on the 180.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1675 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 15

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.