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User Topic: Dealing with the Anger
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Question  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The anger is really something Iím not used to. I mean, I have my dadís temper for sure; even my dad laments that I got his temper, but Iíve always managed to keep it under control by obsessively cleaning, martial arts, drawing or writing, but nowÖNow there is JUST SO MUCH OF IT: the old standbys that were healthy (and the others that werenít) had/have failed.

I know many people on this site write, go for walks or are trying to figure out new ways of developing healthy coping mechanisms. I had some healthy ones that I did more than the unhealthy ones, but NONE of them work and sometimes I find myself in such a tirade that I do things that my father used to do. I recognize the actions as my fatherís: grabbing objects and throwing them, knowing things off shelves to make a point, wild gesturing, standing toe-to-toe with WH and just being out of control. Itís scary as hell because Iíve always attempted to control and circumvent that part of myself. I know I have my dadís temper, even talked to WH about it at lunch today, and even though Iím in IC, Iíve just started a new one because the old one was a dud.

How do I circumvent it now? I used to walk away from confrontation when I realized both sides needed a break to cool off. Now, Iím wrathful. Now, I scream and shout and do the aforementioned physical actions, and I donít know how to stop it. Iíve gotten back into writing, but even that makes me angry. I dance, but even that makes me angry because music is a minefield of triggers and there arenít very songs nowadays that have a swift, fast beat that can get me moving enough (except for maybe Dubstep; Dubstep works SOME of the time), but there was this one time I associated the beat of a songís bass with the sound of my WHís (!!!!TMI alert!!!!!) hard thrust into the OW.

I am working on a collection for fashion design, but I have racing thoughts and my psychiatrist thinks Iím a touch manic, so Iím thinking literally anywhere from ten to twenty thoughts at a given moment and then making associations with those thoughts so that every thought sparks its own spider web of multiple thoughts and associations. My brain is ALWAYS, CONSTANTLY ďonĒ; even when sleeping there is a low hum of thoughts going on so that I am not entirely ďasleepĒ.
So, Iím trying to focus on the things that helped me before but these coping mechanisms (both healthy and unhealthy Ė I was a cutter for many years in high school, some in college, a little after me and my ex- broke up; have started and stopped multiple times during this horrible time period), but there is both rage and sadness and depression, and my brain is trying to gobble all of the emotions of and shove them into a box into my mind until I can rationalize them later. Hence why I can have a talk with WH, and completely disengage myself from my emotional state (I view my mental and emotional state as two separate selves for crying out loud).

I donít know what to do. Iím just angry, and hurt and pissed and sad, and it doesnít help that weíre madhatters so I have to reign in my emotions to tend to his needs too because what I did was incredibly shitty regardless of anything that heíd done to me. WH and I talked (I have a fucked up view of ďeye for an eyeĒ), but even talking, I still feel huge amounts of rage and anger and sadness, that Ė if it werenít for my brain struggling to keep rationalizing everything away Ė I might be even more angry than I am. I try to experience the bulk of my feelings alone, and then I try to talk about them to him later, but to be honest, heís a trigger even though weíre six months out from my last D-Day with him, and two months out from his D-Day with me (heís not too open to discussing his feelings about my EA/PA; Iíve since resigned/given up trying to talk to him about it; him not talking kind of led to the 2nd round with OW, but what the fuck ever with that  see? About to get fired up again.)

I donít know if itís the anger stage because it doesnít sustain itself: I jump from pissed to sad to angry to horrible to wrathful to depressed to neutral to happy. I know itís the rollercoaster; Iím just concerned about my anger because that was an intense feeling that I had when I contacted xOM, that and the depression, the rage, the sadness, memories and having to re-write our entire relationship and marital history. And I still feel the urge to contact xOM (I have told WH about these urges; Iíve have told him strategy to prevent myself from doing this and have given him all the passwords, etc. so that he can freely ďchin-checkĒ me as we like to say, and reassure himself but also make sure that I know to stay the course with re-inserting my boundaries).

It is all confusing.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ShockedErica11)))

I must say you sound exactly like me and the one and only thing that has helped me get through the anger was my medication. I'm on mood stabilizers now and they have made a world of difference, not only with the anger but the constant thoughts too. I probably would have landed myself in jail if I did not seek help. My WH's false R and multiple DDays sent me flying right off the handle.

I am learning to control my anger whist on medication. I've always had anger issues just never physical until my WH's A with MOW. I have hit my WH on 2 occasions and have owned up to it fully in my IC and to WH.

Day by day through this sh*tstorm. I am so with you from the madhatter part to the what the f*ck was he thinking when he f*cked her the 2nd time if the 1st was so bad

You are not alone in this feeling. Vent away!!!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazyblindsided is right.
Also, acknowledging that your anger is justified and that you have to work through it...and that is going to take time.
Remember, adultery has caused attempted murder in less stable people than yourself. Continue with your coping mechanisms, especially the physical ones that leave you sweaty, panting and exhausted.
Look into kickboxing, martial arts, etc. if you aren't already doing this.
Good luck and know you are NOT alone.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ShockedErica11)))
I must say you sound exactly like me and the one and only thing that has helped me get through the anger was my medication. I'm on mood stabilizers now and they have made a world of difference, not only with the anger but the constant thoughts too. I probably would have landed myself in jail if I did not seek help. My WH's false R and multiple DDays sent me flying right off the handle.

I am learning to control my anger whist on medication.
...
Day by day through this sh*tstorm. I am so with you from the madhatter part to the what the f*ck was he thinking when he f*cked her the 2nd time if the 1st was so bad

^^^This!

I don't understand that logic from him that sex with her wasn't nearly as "awesome" as it was with me. Fuck that. Why rounf two then? Why round two before I friggin' first anniversary?! I didn't celebrate it this year, and can't see myself celebrating it next year either. I don't want to. It's just another day.

I tried ADs, but the ones I was on put me to sleep during the day and kept me up at night. And gave me a fuzzy ear feeling. I will have to schedule an appt to talk him, but I've avoided it be honest because I don't want him to keep telling me to take something that has such a weird affect.

I'm just angry, and pissed and sad, and just...it all hurts, and I know parts of this I can't actually be angry about because of what I did, and I'm pissed at myself too because that shit is NOT me, but in this relationship I feel like I've compromised so much <-- I feel like that's blameshifting though so I need to own my shit on that.

Remember, adultery has caused attempted murder in less stable people than yourself. Continue with your coping mechanisms, especially the physical ones that leave you sweaty, panting and exhausted.
Look into kickboxing, martial arts, etc. if you aren't already doing this.

Sad part: martial arts is/was a great outlet; it's just wrapped in emotionally, physically abusive FOO issues. My dad is/was a boxer and a martial artist so it really sucks being hit by a trained hand that knows just WHERE to hit you.

I used it for a long time to control my anger, but since this situation, many FOO issues have arisen. I'd love to get back into a dojo and just kick the crap out of bag; I just hate that it reminds me of my childhood too.

Thanks for the suggestions tho.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand that logic from him that sex with her wasn't nearly as "awesome" as it was with me. Fuck that. Why rounf two then? Why round two before I friggin' first anniversary?! I didn't celebrate it this year, and can't see myself celebrating it next year either. I don't want to. It's just another day.

Get mad and get it out there girl!!! I had to get it out too. Nowadays I get mad and then cry, pretty pathetic huh?

From my fWS experience I went back for a second round, but my reason (and this is the god's honest truth) was that I could not believe that xOM could not hold an erection for very long. He was also very awkward in bed. It sounds crazy but I thought it couldn't be THAT bad. It was THAT bad.

My WH says the same as my experience, but won't go into the details as much as I'd like him too. I think he is still lying to me about the quality and quantity, otherwise why try to hide it so bad. I just tell myself that he enjoyed himself and that he's an ass.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH says the same as my experience, but won't go into the details as much as I'd like him too. I think he is still lying to me about the quality and quantity, otherwise why try to hide it so bad. I just tell myself that he enjoyed himself and that he's an ass.

Word-for-word! I don't know how to reconcile this part. Some days I really feel like he's lying to me about her and what they did. He's just laden with "I can't recall", "I don't remember", "I don't know". He half-assed the timeline that he has to go back and do it over, but he SWEARS he worked on it for weeks and yet the things he told me didn't end up on the timeline at all.

The bad part is: his 2nd round happened because I got drunk and kissed a guy at a party. I'll admit that I was defensive about it and did a few things that really served to humiliate myself on his behalf more so than
for me (and it wasn't like he didn't amp up treating me like shit anyway), but he went back for the 2nd round because he didn't TALK AT ALL about how he felt and feels that he doesn't need to talk AT ALL about my EA/PA. I want to say I respect his decision, but I'm terrified that the issues that he won't talk about in regards to that will flare up; I feel like he's very capable of having another A regardless of him saying, "But I see what I've done wrong now."

I don't believe him, and that sucks because I did my dirt, and there should be more sympathy, but then this anger hits and I just get pissed at EVERYTHING.

I don't believe him. I still think there was more that went on and he's just not saying anything because it's worse than what I know now.

ARGH!!!!!


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Must be in the water today...

Please read my post "var... Startling discovery".

I am ruining the M with my uncontrolled emotions. And I have only uncovered an EA... H swears it is no more but after today I would not blame him.

Thank you for posting, wish you well in your plight


Married 20 years

Posts: 230 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH dealt with my A for about 3-4 months, including leaving for a week. I outed my own A and gave him the details he asked for. I never blamed him for my A, and own why I did have one.

My WH has had A's before my revenge affair and maybe some after, but the last A with MOW changed everything.

My WH was not forthcoming, he did not abide by NC, he wasn't transparent at first, he broke NC 4 times, had 1 False R, he tried to blame his A on me and so did the MOW.

Between the MOW lying to me and my WH I trusted no one. I got the evidence myself and confronted. Since my last DDay I have been ready to D. My WH has been a completely different person. I see him wanting to change now.

But I still don't have all the answers and probably never will. I think there comes a point where we have to let it go or leave the M.

One thing I did learn, that when they act like 'I don't remember' or 'it wasn't like it was with you' it is to placate us. The story I found out and the story my WH gave me post DDay are EXTREMELY different.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never blamed him for my A, and own why I did have one.

I'm still trying to understand and unravel my why's. Why it was acceptable? Why did I do? I have a guilt complex like you wouldn't believe; why did I shut that voice up and manage to keep it silent? I know I used his A as a justification, but how? How did my childhood play a factor? I know it did; I know most issues come from FOO, and mine was hellish, but I thought I had mananged to deal with all of that long ago. How the hell did it manage to crop up again? And my temper? And all of this stuff?

Between the MOW lying to me and my WH I trusted no one. I got the evidence myself and confronted. Since my last DDay I have been ready to D. My WH has been a completely different person. I see him wanting to change now.

This is the same for me. Not once did he actually tell me the truth on any of it; I found out everything on my own, whcih makes believing him twice as hard as anything. It makses it hard to believe even when he is sincere or loving. I just don't believe any of it. Par for the course, I suppose, but I question -- like my brother questions -- why I would want to work so hard for something that literally blew up in my face.

One thing I did learn, that when they act like 'I don't remember' or 'it wasn't like it was with you' it is to placate us. The story I found out and the story my WH gave me post DDay are EXTREMELY different.

And this hurts because I am the kind of person that likes the blunt, honest truth. I respect a person more for it (go figure ) and if it is what it is, then I'd like nothing more than for him to tell me. Don't placate me because I'll get MORE pissed at being treated like a child that doesn't have her big girl shorts on. I'd prefer the truth over nice, white lies. White lies because huge messes that fall in my lap and blow my world to smithereens.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still trying to understand and unravel my why's.

Yes that is the tricky part. I justified my A by blaming it on my WH's first A, but I soon realized there had to be something wrong with me to allow something like that to happen.

I have a list of them:

1. Childhood Sexual Abuse survivor: I can disassociate and compartmentalize really well.

2. My mother had A's throughout my parent's M with no huge consequences. So I had poor models.

3. My dad was checked out emotionally and was mentally and sometimes verbally abusive. I have always picked men that have had commitment issues or abuse issues.

4. I also think part of my A was becoming the perpetrator in a subconscious way to get the power back that was taken away with my WH's first A.

5. I am an addict, like my WH, and have always used drugs and alcohol to cope. My coping skills are zilch to none and it is something I need to always be working on especially when a tough situation presents itself.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Childhood Sexual Abuse survivor: I can disassociate and compartmentalize really well.

2. My mother had A's throughout my parent's M with no huge consequences. So I had poor models.

3. My dad was checked out emotionally and was mentally and sometimes verbally abusive. I have always picked men that have had commitment issues or abuse issues.

4. I also think part of my A was becoming the perpetrator in a subconscious way to get the power back that was taken away with my WH's first A.

5. I am an addict, like my WH, and have always used drugs and alcohol to cope. My coping skills are zilch to none and it is something I need to always be working on especially when a tough situation presents itself.

I get a lot of this.

TMI ALERT!!!

No. 1 was definitely my childhood. 2 & 3, my parents went back and forth with each other for much of my childhood: my father being a serial cheater and my mother getting back at him by cheating on him. It was hellacious; my mother frequently told me and sibling that my father was trying to kill us and yet she'd drop us back off to live with him frequently after filling our heads up with this crap (a lot of childhood memories are ruined because of this). My mother -- because of this paranoia -- would often wake us in the middle of the night and have us sleeping in various locations for days and weeks on end because she was "scared" of our father; violent outbursts between the two of them were common and frequent. My mother is/was frequently the OW in many of her relationships, and would be bitter and angry that the MM would not leave their wives for her; one of the MM had another OW of whom my mother almost got into a physical altercation with over this POSOM; I always hated him and she dealt with that POSOM for 3+ years before finally breaking up with him only to get into another relationship with a MM.

My father has never been faithful, and proudly showed me his love nest when I was a teenager and told me HOW he lures women my age and only SLIGHTLY older to be with him before he dumps them because he's bored or they've gotten to clingy or too old.

I was always terrified of substances growing up because my parents frequently had drinking parties and drug parties and my father was MORE than willing to let me know how "fun" and "psychodelic" and "spiritually awakening" drugs were for him; but then whooped me for accidently drinking alcohol from a kiddie cup because I confused it for kool-aide.

My "drug" of choice became cutting though.

Due to the CSA, when puberty hit I became a bit of a deviant; I believe that became my second drug of choice. I had been molested by my father, my brother, the son of one of my mother's friends and by the child of one of my uncle's girlfriends so my view of sex was WAY skewed, and I managed to talk to a lot of grown men with not so good intentions. Many of them married; many of them with daughters my age. The good thing ( ) is I didn't have sexual intercourse with any of them; just phone calls and lewd pictures. When I hit my late teens, I immediately stopped and haven't done it since (this situation with WH makes me feel like I'm getting all of that back though; that I'm paying the price for what happened and what I did).

There's a lot more, but I'm about to get emotional and I don't think I'm making a good case for being a private person. I just spilled most of my guts out online and that's a bit strange for me to do either way.

[This message edited by ShockedErica11 at 10:49 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
Topic Posts: 11

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