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User Topic: Var... Startling discovery
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I put my VAR in our basement office this morning as my SWH was going to be working down there for the first half of the day. He was on and off the phone while in there and we had a few conversations also. More like arguments. I was in a bad frame of mind from very little sleep.

After he left, I listened to see if he had any incriminating conversations, which he did not. What I did learn was how nasty I sounded in every interaction. My tone, attitude, sarcasm sounded extreme. I was shocked. It is horrible to end up the one looking bad.

I wouldn't want to be around me either. Not sure what to do now... We had had a great weekend then when he seemed distant last night and said he was too sore and tired and while in the shower (at my insistence) and I swore he said SOW name. So went my mood in the morning.

Like I said, if he is having a PA, not sure I would blame him, after hearing myself.



Married 20 years

Posts: 156 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Probably most of us could qualify for that on any given day. ((TS))

As Maya says, When we know better, we do better." You can choose your tone or to tone down the sarcasm. Will not change the pain, just lets you continue to respect yourself during this crapapoluzza.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6431 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so amazed at the wonderful, insightful people like you Pentup out there... All I seem to be able to do at this point is post all my own problems, rather offer support to others.. I hope to never forget the support I was kindly given by strangers and pay it forward someday when I have wisdom to give. I do know better now, and will try to DO better. Thank you



Married 20 years

Posts: 156 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think most of us BS's have done that too. I know, for myself, I really had to catch myself before spouting off something hateful or sarcastic. Keeping my voice at an even keel helped Mr Lucky to respond more in kind to me also.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't change, TS68, if you don't recognize a need to change. You heard yourself and you were enlightened. That's huge!!! Pat yourself on the back. Just remember, your tone of voice may have contributed to problems in your pre-A marriage, but it didn't make him choose to not honor his vows. As horrible as it feels to say this, I'm gonna be a MUCH better person (and I wasn't half-bad before :) ) when this is all over--whether or not we successfully reconcile.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that I would also be disgusted if I heard myself while in a fight with WH. I am mean and hurtful and filled with crazy rage. I don't know myself anymore, but I can't help coming back to the fact that it is HE who turned me into this person. I am still early on in the process but I am really trying, and thanks to your post which has given me a kick in the pants to remember to keep trying to calm the eff down and refrain from sarcasm (my 2nd language).


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
brainless twit
♀ Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through my phone awhile back and read all the text messages between XWH and myself - I never delete anything. I was absolutely horrified to see all the times (post A #1) that he tried to be affectionate or ask about my day and I bit his head off. It really made me feel like a terrible person; this was several years after D-Day when I "should" have been in a better place.

People ask me how in the world I can even be considering a future with him now that I found out about a new A... That's why. Because I was just as nasty and destructive but in a different way. No wonder he went looking for someone else when I basically shit on him every time he tried!

Don't beat yourself up about it - personally I think it's a good thing that this happened now while you've got time to decide how you want to proceed. For me, I think the realization came much too late.


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1538 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember one morning, trying to get the kids to school, stressed about something, one kid whining, the other being a total shit. I had called my mom to ask her something and it went to her vmail. There was some sort of eruption in the car andI had a freak out. My mom called me over that day and said listen to this...it was me, I hadn't hung the phone up. My God I was so embarrassed. I sounded like a witch. Sometimes we need to hear ourselves.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4733 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh TS. You will. I am many years out. Totally unaffair (is that a word?) related, I told my h to shut the f#ck up the other day. I know better and still do it. Though I do try to curb my knife like tongue. I used to be proud of being able to cut someone to ribbons with my words. Now, not something I am proud of. I realized that when I did it, I typically had to apologize and I hated that. Decided it was easier to curb it at the front end then trying to clean up the emotional mess afterwards.

Hugs


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6431 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spend all my time trying to set it up that my husband will hear part of a Dr. Phil about affairs, or a news show about the texting pics of private parts, or a movie about the topic.

I just want him to hear from another source other than me - what a shit he is.

Then, I usually end up also hearing what it does to a marriage when there is no forgiveness, or there is constant criticism, etc.

I didn't 'cheat' on him. And I am plenty pissed that he won't give me what I need.

But, I surely haven't done what I could be doing to help us heal either.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1850 | Registered: Apr 2012
Runninggirl
♀ Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I relate to this post more than I care to admit.
I've been asking myself at what point am I 'grieving' and when do I draw the line. 'Grieving' vs just being a vile person who cannot get a grip.

I may not have had an A, but I am not sure my H's gives me full entitlement to become a complete hateful human forever.


Thanks for sharing your findings!! Maybe recognzing it will allow us to be less hateful.


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is so very normal. I find myself taking 'shots' at my H sometimes when I'm feeling an angry wave, or resentful, or whatever. He's been very good about taking it on the chin, but he is also getting better at expressing HIS feelings with words(which is AWESOME), and letting me know that he feels he is being punished. Even though it hurts and I sometimes feel he doesn't have the right to be upset at me if I'm mean to him, I find that it is in my best interests to let him tell me (gently) when I've hurt him, since stuffing it down is kind of what helped lead us to where we're at now.

Sometimes just saying, 'I am feeling very angry at you right now' is all I need.

Be kind to yourself, and forgiving. You have been traumatized, you have been betrayed. It is so absolutely devastating. It is not your fault he had an A.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Jul 2013
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that I would also be disgusted if I heard myself while in a fight with WH. I am mean and hurtful and filled with crazy rage. I don't know myself anymore, but I can't help coming back to the fact that it is HE who turned me into this person. I am still early on in the process but I am really trying, and thanks to your post which has given me a kick in the pants to remember to keep trying to calm the eff down and refrain from sarcasm (my 2nd language).

It's nice to see how many people are sarcastic; I know that I use mine like a finely, sharpened blade. It's my defense mechanism (even my IC commented on it at our first meeting).

I will say, I am aware of it, and attempt to tone it down, but the rage hits and at that pointm I just don't care. I should, but I don't. I remember a time when I asked him to tell me when I was being that way so that I could change it; he didn't and then cited his bitterness at when I was being that way (despite ASKING him politely to TELL me so that I WOULDN'T talk to him that way). I remember changing my tonality and how I talked to him CONSIDERABLY because I wasn't sure WHEN I was talking that way. I remember asking people around me "when do I sound harsh?" And they told me so I tried to tone it down. This was certainly a problem for me that I had asked him to help me on because I HATE my voice, always think I sound tactless and un-eloquent (even if I am; I'm hard on my speech).

Too bad by that time he was already f*cking POSOW.

Maybe I'll tone it down again in the future, but for now, sarcasm is engaged at 70%. He doesn't want me to go to the full 100%.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
Topic Posts: 13

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