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User Topic: Just an angry rant
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's about to be a posting frenzy from because I feel a lot of pent of anger and I'm at work and in the next hour I have to pick up DD and I don't want to be pissed or angry when I do because she's a receptive kid and last night she cried her eyes out thinking that we didn't want to play with her or cared because we emphatically told her to leave the kitchen (she's 3 yrs old; too smart for her own good (wait, that is NOT a bad thing) and we had an infestation of ants because of the construction near our home).

Anyway, anger is amping up. I know that (logically) anger is a defense mechanism to hide pain or fear; when I'm intensely depressed, my anger amps up beyond my control.

We're texting back and forth; I'm scared to death he's about to tell me that he encouraged OW and gave OW advice; things that I needed from him myself.

Jesus! I'm sorry I picked up the slack when you were sitting there feeling sorry for yourself that it made it seem like I was so strong that I could handle anything, but FUCK!!! I NEEDED that myself!!!

It's not like I don't have a built-in mechanism that tells me," Get the HELL off your ASS and get stuff done! The hell are you moping around for?!?!!"

But no person is an island; sometimes you want to know that you matter too. Why did he let her know she mattered, but he didn't let me? Why did he focus on her, but he didn't focus on me? Jesus! I wanted to be told I was pretty and wonderful and cute and nice. I wanted to be flirted with!

Why is it that everything I told him to do for me, he did FOR her? Why was I kicked to the curb while he got to gallavant off and have a social life, a "girlfriend", make new friends, hang out with old ones, got to clubs and just be "single" and then come home and tell me: "I just don't like coming home and dealing with our problems sometimes."

WTH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grrrrrr. Now I'm getting amped up. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Gonna go do some kickboxing now! Damn!
I hear you. I feel you.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess because I had my life together I just didn't need anything from him at all.

Why is he still here again if I can do all of this by myself? What was the point of being with someone who didn't think I wanted him for companionship or love or affection? What was the purpose exactly?

Why did I keep telling him over and over and over and over that I wanted to be with him? Why did I encourage him so much only to have him go out and encourage her? Talk to her and tell her all the things I wanted to hear from him?

If I didn't want to be with him, I wouldn't have. Why did he twist my words. I only told him ONCE in the four years that we were together that I WOULD be disappointed in him if he kept changing schools and didn't finish his degree program. He took that as I was calling him worthless and would never amount to anything. I remember explaining to him in that conversation EXACTLY what I meant and he still twisted it.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling so many of your words spiking my own heart today. Thankfully they no longer hold me in their grip of anger.

I am not sure today what to say that might get you to go beyond this. It is very clearly not the time that these issues are ready to be left behind.

I too wanted nothing more then to hear all those things he wrote to her. There were so many text threads that I figured out he had been texting to both of us at the same time....to her it would be.....you are a super mom for sitting through the pouring rain to support your daughters soccer team....and in the same breath I would hear...what was the score....why haven't you texted? To read hundreds of comparisons was numbing.

Thankfully, somewhere deep inside, I figured out this wasn't about me.....that I was every bit as wonderful as this ugly poisonous spider was if not more.....I wasn't the one cheating!!! An A allows your soupce to disconnect, and most WS compartmentalism what they are doing and simply do not get it themselves. It is the preservation of selfishness that drives both the A participants.

They way I saw it, either I believed enough in the causes of our sagging marriage and understood how they helped put a door in my husbands path or I just could never believe him. My husband is a decent, lovable,kind gentle man. I married him for a reason and have stayed with him through many highs and lows for almost 34 years now. I decided myself that I was not ready to just flick off my entire life . It, the whole marriage needed to mean something to me or I would forever live as an angry, nasty, hardened hateful woman. I didn't want that for myself......in believing this I also did the first selfish thing ever for myself. I stayed because I had no where else to go and no way of physically or mentally taking care of myself. I had no idea if it was going to work one way or another, with or without my hubby's remorse. What I did know for certain was I worked damn hard all my life to help us get to where we were and I wasn't going to let some floosy step in and claim my hard work as her own. Anger and uncertainty in myself made me stay, my husbands love and our love for each other kept me here.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 4:09 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ShockedErica11 I like the b*tch boots you are sporting today btw

My WH did nothing for me too. i supported his ass most of the relationship and then M. Raised the kids on my own. I don't need him. As soon as my WH started his own business and started making more $$$ that his little 25 year old employee caught his eye.

Fuck them, they are not worth a penny of our thoughts. I know what my life would look like if I left and what his would look like and let's just say I'll come out of this 'winning' and no I don't like Charlie Sheen


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ShockedErica11 I like the b*tch boots you are sporting today btw
My WH did nothing for me too. i supported his ass most of the relationship and then M. Raised the kids on my own. I don't need him. As soon as my WH started his own business and started making more $$$ that his little 25 year old employee caught his eye.
Fuck them, they are not worth a penny of our thoughts. I know what my life would look like if I left and what his would look like and let's just say I'll come out of this 'winning' and no I don't like Charlie Sheen

Bitch boots still on and laced up!

Last night I find out that everything I gave him was like GOLD coming from POSOW mouth; every time I told him he was smart, he felt dumb. Why? I don’t even know. Just because my parents – screwed up as they were – DID value education, refused to let us watch television unless it was Discovery channel, etc., play video games, made us read college level grammar books, dictionaries, thesauruses, encyclopedias and we had nothing else to do but hang out at libraries means that I made him feel sorry for himself.

WELL EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME FOR TRYING TO HELP YOU REALIZE THAT “STUPID” IS CURABLE!!!!!

He chose the friends that he did; according to him, his friends made him feel stupid. Stupid isn’t incurable; it’s not an unfortunate disease; there’s WAYS around it!

He felt wanted and needed, he says. He felt like he was helping, he says. But yes, your then fiancée and later wife didn’t need you AT ALL when she was telling you and showing you. No, this dumbfuck 20-year-old POSOW was the ego stroke you needed to make you feel like a man. And he plays this “woe-is-me” card SO fucking well that EVERYONE is convinced I’m being too hard on him; “Oh, but he’s TRYING”; “What now? Why are two arguing AGAIN?” “I don’t like seeing you like this; it makes ME feel bad”; “Do you want to be right or happy? Why do you keep asking?” “If you want to be married then just let it go”; “That poor baby; he was always so tired and sleepy looking when I saw him”. Everyone, except my older brother who thinks I should dump him. Oh, and the only advice my mom gave me aside from the aforementioned “it makes me feel bad” comment (and other “winning” statements guaranteed to minimize my pain) was…*drumroll* “Cheat on him because that’ll show him how to treat you.”

Yes, mom, I’d like to be treated just like the POSOW.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They way I saw it, either I believed enough in the causes of our sagging marriage and understood how they helped put a door in my husbands path or I just could never believe him. My husband is a decent, lovable,kind gentle man. I married him for a reason and have stayed with him through many highs and lows for almost 34 years now. I decided myself that I was not ready to just flick off my entire life . It, the whole marriage needed to mean something to me or I would forever live as an angry, nasty, hardened hateful woman.

I wish I could believe him. I wish I could just say, "Yep. He's told me everything, and if not, there's no use crying over spilled milk."

But...

I'm just too friggin' mad. I'm just too friggin' pissed. I'm angrier than I've ever been in my life; it's like a seething volcano that just won't let me go.

Some of it definitely is FOO related; that much I know because looking at WH, I can see my father written ALL OVER HIM, in these subtle ways that I KNOW I must've seen but just overlooked bcause I thought he loved me.

I don't know if this marriage means anything anymore. I don't know if I'll ever actually care about him. Some days I think I can; other days, I look around at the destroyed, smoking ashes of my life and think: I'm 26; this can't be it, can it? There's got to be more. I've only got one life. I can't waste this. Not on him.

But then I'll get depressed and angry and sad and just .. everything.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
Topic Posts: 7

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