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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does this make sense?
hopeful18
♀ Member
Member # 19234
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want my wh to tell me that he is repulsed by the person he had sex with from ashley madison. And that he hates ea partner. But only if that is the truth! I feel like he is remorseful and doing all the right things. However this is what I need to hear. I don't think he feels this way though. I am hoping he will with time? Do you think it is necessary for R for wh to eventually feel thus way ? He has said he would do anything to take it all back. But I feel like he had fun while it lasted. I guess I wish he looked back at it and felt repulsed.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2008
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sort of makes sense to me, but I'd want my partner to be repulsed by his own actions. We can control only ourselves, and if we stay straight, the people looking to cheat out there are not threats.

Besides, IMO it's more important that he focus on loving you. Again, if he truly loves you, other people aren't threats. If he just comes to hate this ow, well, another ow could be a threat.

Hating the ap is a stage most of us go through. I've gone through the stage a number of times myself...but even if the ap mends her ways, that doesn't help the BS much. The only way to R is for the WS to heal.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:04 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Hopeful

I agree heartedly with Sisoon.

It absolutely makes sense that you would feel this way. I did myself. When H's fog finally broke and he relised what he had been in I sat and made him look at her photos. He was visibly repulsed. I felt enormous satisfaction when he talked through his loathing of her a few months out.

Now she is invisible to him, but when somehting reminds him of his actions he swings from deep sadness to feeling ill to tears to gratitude that I am still here fighting with him to rebuild our lives.

Sisson is right over time, you will be happy when the AP's are nothing to him.

Loathing and repulsion takes up a lot of emotional energy. this is energy that belongs to your marriage.

He may or may not move through the loathing / repulsion stages. but with time the goal for you both will be neutrality. (for my own part - I am still working on that, I can still have days that I just hate her and want to see some kind of consequence in her life, but those days are declining in frequency).

Blessing to you Hopeful.

Meg


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 629 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I 3rd Sisoon. Particularly this:

I'd want my partner to be repulsed by his own actions.

I've seen pictures of my H's EA partner, and I never would have pegged her as his "type." I don't think it matters to me if he ever says that to me though. These days he simply tells me, "You're the only one for me, forever." I'm not at the stage where I believe him yet, but it's still nice to hear. I'd much rather he be disgusted with himself than with her.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
hopeful18
♀ Member
Member # 19234
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my wh case he had sex twice with someone and an ea with soone else. I feel like the sex was great with pa person but no emotional connection. I think he found her hot.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2008
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes makes sense.

One thing I did was ask my fWH to show me how they hugged and kissed. We had to use stairs cuz she was short (I played it (OW)). He told me how she puckered her lips. So we hugged and kissed and he was visibly repulsed (it was genuine).


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeful18. In the past 8 weeks my fWH told me he was repulsed by his actions. I would rather hear this then he is repulsed by the affair person. As someone mentioned, he can find another AP who does not repulse him. The main thing is, he is "owning it" in the first example.

As my dad says, "no matter where you go, there you are". Being accountable is what matters then...imo.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 7

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