In the time that I returned to the house after finding his porn statsh, leaving him for what I thought would be forever, and then him shredding it and purging the house (after many, many searches from me, unlike a Garage That Shall Stay Nameless, I a it’s all gone), and me returning, we’ve
1) Had several, intense discussions about the reasons that he doesn’t feel comfortable with being totally open with me
2) I’ve attended a joint session with his IC and put both of them thru a wringer. Evidently his IC told him afterwards that he can see that I am a very focused person.
3) Continual driving back and forth as he has no license, so ALL of the driving is on me and as it’s a 2.5 hour 1-way public commute for him to get to and from work, well, I’m doing that. (Actually has been somewhat of a bonding time for us)
4) Guess I bitched too much about driving because his GDMF company eliminated his position and, since he has only worked there since the start of this year, well, we got a 2-week notice, no severance, and medical paid up only to the end of this month. This, THE VERY NEXT FRICKING DAY after FWH went all out on a spectacular birthday for me roses, dinner out, walking thru Little Italy, etc. Guess my birthday went too damned well for the universe.
5) After his work telling him that he needed to come back the next day for paperwork, he shows up with his work computer, getting into the car. I throw a FIT because he was told to hand it in lest company secrets be stolen, he insists that he wants to finish a last project and has gotten an OK for it, I tell him that if anything goes wrong HE will be blamed and insist again that he turn it right back in, he insists that nothing will go wrong, I ask about when he’s going to look for a job if he’s still working for them 12 hours a day, yeah, fight. He brings the GBMF computer home so, of course,
6) His work goes completely back on its word about time he can NOT work so he can look on a job and throws him under the YOU F-D UP bus when 3 minutes after he gets a program running after working on it for 2 days, some wonder kid in the office runs it and it MAJICALLY works! And not one of those degreed people can read a damned timelog to see that it was all HIS work. Now his good references are in jeopardy.
7) We have a discussion that spirals out of control last Thursday night that cumulates in him telling me that the YES that he told me, when I proposed closing some CDs and paying off debit, and the YES that he told me on another, equally important thing, actually meant that he wasn’t sure and now he was holding a grudge against me for going ahead and just “doing it.” I fricking flip out and tell him that he’s still a lying, self-centered bastard who doesn’t have the courage to be honest with me and I 180 his ass for the rest of the weekend. I finally break down at 5am Sunday morning sobbing alone in my bed, he comes in, and I tell him that we’re just not going to make it. He has broken my “give a damn” and I just can’t give a damn about him anymore when all he does is hide, accuse me of being too scary to talk to, and hold old grudges against me. That if I can forgive him for the shit he’s put me through this last year+, and he can’t get over his past grudges, then we need to separate. We both cry. He promises that he’ll take a few days and work on getting it all out in one cathartic session, which because of other timing, is going to be this Friday. We’ll see.
8) And now we’re having hell’s own time trying to get insurance quotes for health insurance to carry us over until he gets a new job. At least he has his temp license now, but that only means that he can drive to and from a job, not job search. And from going through a couple of health insurance history portions of the applications, it seems like his DUI is going to cost us a fricking fortune for health insurance as well. Plus, we got the insurance quote and it’s going to add another $2000 each year for 10 FUCKING YEARS for our auto insurance.
And that’s why I’m having a bloody glass of wine right now before I go pick his sorry ass up from his court mandated class. I do not feel the love right now in any way, shape, or form.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Just wanted you to know... your bitch session did not go unread. And wine is my favorite gateway for "letting it all out" no matter what "it" is.
Enjoy your wine. Maybe you can have a glass for me - when you get back from picking up the "sorry ass" of course.
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
Sometimes this all just gets to be too much.
Hang in there and enjoy the wine!
I will throw a bitch in there about fwh saying absolutely f'in stupid shit. Like I 'I hope you find someone that can truly make you happy, but God forbid they make a mistake!' Oh I'm sorry, repeatedly having sex with another woman was a 'mistake'. My bad
Yeah, lostinthismess, sometimes ya gotta wonder. A mistake. An oopsie. Well, dang, lookie at what happened? Sometimes you just want to rip their balls up through their noses, don't you.
The above is why I am posting in the General forum vice the Reconciliation forum. I felt the absolute urge to curse, bitch, and be in general, Not The Nice Lady I Usually Portray.
So. We're opening another bottle of wine and have jointly decided to not talk about Not One Damned Important Thing. And I get the lion's share. Or those balls WILL be in danger!
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
Big hugs tonight Skan. You can tell him BG said he has to rub your feet while you talk about Not One Damned Important Thing. For the next 10 fucking years..