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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Self-Exposure to Triggers? (WS & BS advice please)
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few weeks ago now, I posted to the Wayward Forum asking for advice about role-playing.
tl;dr version: I used RP (and erotic RP) as escapism during our marriage, and began to resent Heart (and her desire to RP with me) for intruding on my other RP.

I was trying to coax her into RPing with me again by changing which RP system we used. No dice (literally and figuratively - it was a diceless RP system), and I was reminded/encouraged/2x4'd into thinking about things from Heart's perspective. She even explained it to me herself, with an analogy of an engagement ring that I had proposed to her with, only to find out afterward that I had proposed to a million other people with it, too.

She still wants the ring (it's still beautiful, she still likes it); she just can't bear to look at it. Meaning, she still wants to RP but can't bring herself to do it. I'm not pressuring her (thanks to all the lumber I got on Wayward Side), and I have no real desire to RP with anyone BUT her, and only IF she wants to -- again, haven't pressured her since I posted on here about it last time, and I don't have an inclination to start pressuring.

However, she has started to pressure HERSELF into trying to do it, during which we end up doing a lot of little "avoidance" things until it's 10 o'clock and it wouldn't make sense to start even if we wanted to. She admits it's her own problem and that I haven't been forcing the issue. She apologizes unnecessarily (because I Own it as being my fault), even though I ask for no apology and she knows she doesn't owe one.

Has anyone ever had any situations like this? Something that is a pretty nasty trigger for you, and yet you force yourself to try and do it anyway (maybe because you like whatever was taken from you, or just because)?

I know Heart, and I know she's just going to keep trying. I almost titled this thread "Stick and Carrot" for that very reason. If she's going to keep trying anyway, I want to give her every opportunity to succeed if she's going to.

Thus, I wanted to see if the collective brains of SI had any ideas or similar workaround situations that might be employed here.

In short, I know Heart is going to keep trying to get over this powerful trigger, regardless of what I do. Is there anything that could help her get over a trigger?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know nothing about RP but have tackled a few triggers. For me it's always been when I was ready, I was ready. I just kept trying. Patience and understanding on your end clearly. WH has really only helped me with one (my choice to so them alone) but that one was HUGE. I thought it would be horrible but it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be in my head. Hugs and strength to her!!!


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex was like this for me. I did it because I knew he needed it (though he never pressured me)and I wanted it to feel good again. Almost 12 months of forcing myself and trying to make the mind movies stop. More often than not now, it is enjoyable. More often than not, I'm in that moment and not triggery. Time, repetition, tears, lots of talks with my H and a lot of making myself get past it mentally. That's how I did it. My H listened to me. He suggested that we stop having sex entirely until I was past the pain (that may have been when I finally started to move forward). He held me and reassured me a LOT.

Posts: 1047 | Registered: Jan 2013
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, sodamnlost and musiclovingmom.

Yes, I am more curious about general triggers in this way than I am about the specific trigger/RP. I know that Heart is going to force herself to continue to explore this option, her trigger, and all the underlying issues that surround it. I just kind of want to know what I should be doing and if there were anything I could do above and beyond what I'm already doing in order to help her.

Again, I don't want her to HAVE to do this. I'm past that. But, since I know she's going to do it anyway, I want to know how best to proceed, and if anyone has advice for her as well.

I've never felt as much teamwork in our marriage as I do now, which is an awesome feeling, but also carries with it the responsibility of my wanting to help her, especially if I am perfectly aware that she is forcing this onto herself.

Thank you for your continued support.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew that I had to confront two big triggers places where my FWH had been with the OW. I waited until I thought that I was ready, and then tackled them, with him, one at a time. The first one went rather well and was the more minor of the triggers. The second one took some planning, and then baby steps, where I rehearsed in my mind how I could stop and back out, to come back another day, if things got too intense for me. Yeah, I had some bad moments, but I made it through.

Baby steps, one at a time. Best


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4692 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew that I had to confront two big triggers places where my FWH had been with the OW. I waited until I thought that I was ready, and then tackled them, with him, one at a time. The first one went rather well and was the more minor of the triggers. The second one took some planning, and then baby steps, where I rehearsed in my mind how I could stop and back out, to come back another day, if things got too intense for me. Yeah, I had some bad moments, but I made it through.

Baby steps, one at a time. Best


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4692 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew that I had to confront two big triggers places where my FWH had been with the OW. I waited until I thought that I was ready, and then tackled them, with him, one at a time. The first one went rather well and was the more minor of the triggers. The second one took some planning, and then baby steps, where I rehearsed in my mind how I could stop and back out, to come back another day, if things got too intense for me. Yeah, I had some bad moments, but I made it through.

Baby steps, one at a time. Best of luck (edited because I accidently hit submit)

[This message edited by Skan at 10:40 PM, August 14th, 2013 (Wednesday)]


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4692 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 7

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