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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Waking up Question
Taurus517
♂ Member
Member # 37958
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick question, I was reading another post and what what they said very interesting
A trigger strikes and they are reminded yet again, that this is their life.

How do you handle that when your BS wakes up every morning knowing this is her reality ??
A reality that I have caused and I dont know what to say to that but Im sorry for making this into your reality. I know there should be more than just that. There is more because if you wake up knowing this is real every single day, there has to be something more that I can do for her. This basically starts her day and i beat myself up for it everyday because I put her thru this and its not fair. Any advice ???


Me: WS 31
A : 17 months
Her : BS/WS 26 (ShockedErica11)
A: 3 months
DD : 3
Relationship : 4
Married : 2
DDay : November 2012
Her DDay : June 2013

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chamblee
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BS.

Every day is getting a little easier. I'm about 5 months out. It would be better if SAWH would be more forthcoming about lying. There is so much stuff I asked him directly about and he lied, lied, lied.

Just be sincere, accountable and honest in every way. Don't mind being under a microscope. You think your BS likes having to wonder what is going on every second? Offer information without her having to make the request. Do things to make her feel safe with you. I wish my H would have done this from the start.



BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
Taurus517
♂ Member
Member # 37958
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

womaninflux : thank you. I see I need more help in this department because I fail to be ahead of it, I always seem to fall behind.


Me: WS 31
A : 17 months
Her : BS/WS 26 (ShockedErica11)
A: 3 months
DD : 3
Relationship : 4
Married : 2
DDay : November 2012
Her DDay : June 2013

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chamblee
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woman had some great ideas. I too am a BS but we are almost at our 1 year anniversary of Dday.

At 1 year, and with the help of good meds, triggers are quite infrequent. But, I live a far way away from where the A occurred so I don't have daily VISUAL reminders.

Lying, couching, protecting from further pain.....these things need to be removed from a WS way of operating. I know my husband hates to tell me the whole truth, he hates the pain I go through. But his couching techniques as a people pleaser almost drove me away from him. I am not just anybody, I am his wife and from now on I deserve and expect to be treated with honesty and truth, no matter how hard it is for him to say it.

Ask your BS what would make them feel safer....a text every hour, a picture proving where you are. I think the WS needs to understand that most BS just want to feel safe that you wont continue to hurt them with more actions. I don't want to be constantly worried where my H is or what he is doing and it is nice when he realizes that these things right now just cause my mind to go into overdrive. So find out what will make them feel safe and give it to them without them having to ask for it.

Triggers are also places where you can help your spouse. Once we figured out that most of my pain was being created by my own over active and hyper sensitive mind my WH asked me to call him immediately after I had a trigger so he could help me defuse the mental fall out that always made everything far worse. The mind is a powerful thing and it takes very hurt BS's to nasty places, even if they don't want to go there. BS's do not have the mental or emotional strength to mind block at the beginning. Heck, they hardly can dress themselves some days. So explaining the trigger and getting H's help to defuse them has lessoned the mess we have to clean up after the trigger is gone.

When explaining yourself use feelings....buff up your communication skills. I found it helpful when my H said things like....."I know my after hours work entertaining bothers you and you are worried about what could happen. I am going to call you before we start dinner and then when we are done so that you don't worry as much." offer this without having your BS ask for it shows you are actively thinking about how to make this better. You are also validating that you understand their fears. It is your actions and not necessarily your words that sink into the fog a BS is in. They have been lied to already. Show them that you want to make sure you aren't going to do that again.

Don't know if this helped but it all worked for me.

-truth
-feelings
-fore thought

Good luck. Oh and get to IC and keep working at your issues. Until you do they could come back to haunt you.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 6:32 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Taurus517
♂ Member
Member # 37958
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@TxsT thank you for your insight from a BS view. Its very helpful to understand that perspective.

a text every hour, a picture proving where you are. I think the WS needs to understand that most BS just want to feel safe that you wont continue to hurt them with more actions. I don't want to be constantly worried where my H is or what he is doing and it is nice when he realizes that these things right now just cause my mind to go into overdrive. So find out what will make them feel safe and give it to them without them having to ask for it.

I have been doing that lately since my job consists of me driving around town and I keep her updated where I am at all times along with family locator, sometimes I do feel like its now enough for her and I start thinking what else can I do which I start confusing myself.

buff up your communication skills

I agree and that is something I know I didnt possess in our relationship which lead to our current state. I would have copied your whole post because it does make it clearer on what my BS is talking about and I myself have to see. so thank you so much


Me: WS 31
A : 17 months
Her : BS/WS 26 (ShockedErica11)
A: 3 months
DD : 3
Relationship : 4
Married : 2
DDay : November 2012
Her DDay : June 2013

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chamblee
Topic Posts: 5

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