I feel like I can now say I think WH and I are firmly on the road to R. We have come soooo far in the last 2 months - I was very very close to filing for D after the most recent DDay, and he knew it. But that turned out to be the wake up call he needed, apparently.
He began IC soon afterward. I set up my own bank account and changed my direct deposits, and waited. In the past few weeks, he's read "Not Just Friends" four times, and he tells me that he now sees why his many flirtations over the years were so harmful and dangerous to our marriage. He's read several other books as well about marriage and healthy boundaries. At the suggestion of his IC, he began attending AA meetings again. (He's been sober for many many years, but has not really been working a program per se since he was about a year sober.) He's learning how to recognize who is a friend of our M and who is not.
The biggest thing that has demonstrated the changes he's making, I think, is his behavior toward Coworker #2. She requested to be rescheduled to his shift a few weeks ago (supposedly for unrelated reasons) and she has really been pushing to break NC - she "really misses their friendship". He's had a few small missteps, but when she tried to present him with a small gift he refused to accept it and told her that was inappropriate. He then told her his intention to have no interaction with her whatsoever out of respect for me and his marriage. At the time she told him that she would avoid him because she understands and "I really care about you."
Of course, she just cannot do it. She has made a point to sit down at the table with him during breaks, or sits where she knows he usually takes his breaks and waits to see if he will take the bait. BUT WH is manning up! When she tried to sit down with him this week, he wordlessly got up in the middle of his meal, threw his food away and left the room. When she sat where he usually sits and waited for him, he took his lunch outside and ate there instead while he chatted with me on the phone. I see him setting boundaries and maintaining NC (No Conversation in this case) despite the fact that it is inconvenient and awkward for him to do so. And he tells me that he feels good when he gets to the end of the day and he knows he made the right choices to protect our marriage from her intrusions.
This behavior is all DRASTICALLY different from how he has reacted to previous DDays. He is no longer justifying or rationalizing his behavior, but he IS doing lots of introspection to try to figure out how to stop this behavior from recurring in the future. We've also had a lot of really great conversations in the last couple of weeks. I feel like even in dealing with OW's crap, we are able to talk about it and strategize the best way to handle it as a team, rather than him trying to hide things from me and me having to dig for info. Even when he misstepped a few times, he TOLD me. And that goes a long way to feeling like I can trust him again.
But I had to tell him last night that I really have no intention of ever closing that bank account. Right now anyway, I feel like that account is a tangible manifestation of my line in the sand, and I have no intention of making that line fuzzy ever again. But despite that, I am feeling hopeful.