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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: he ripped me apart again
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been doing so well. At least I thought we were. We have new hopes an dreams. we have done more things together in the past three years than the last 10.

Then out of the blue he makes a statement-"I have no regrets about my life, I look at everything as a learning experience."

That really has destroyed me.
It also opened up all the things I had put away. Didn't push for answers. MC said he had punished himself and he wasn't going to open his wounds.

I feel like we're back to day one or close. I am asking questions because I realize now that thoe box is open I can't shut the lid again.
I am not sure about anything anymore. Maybe A was dealbreaker. I really think it's his attitude that is the dealbreaker.

What questions will help me know his true feelings?


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) I think that I would look him straight in the eye and tell him that I was looking at the biggest regret in my life, and that the learning experiences that were caused by the two-footed biggest regret in my life were something that I would have given anything to have not experienced.

MC said he had punished himself and he wasn't going to open his wounds.

Well, I'm SO bloody pleased that HE has healed his wounds! Where's the clapping photo? I guess that it's OK that you're still dripping blood on the floor as long as HIS wounds are healed and he has "punished" himself enough. Strangely, I would be far more reassured of the value of the MC if the MC had come to the conclusion that WH had done the work necessary to get to the bottom of his issues, solve them, forgive himself for being a broken man, and then committed himself to your support while you healed.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4948 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you tell him how much it bothered you to hear him say that? I don't agree with not asking questions. I think you should ask and keep asking until you no longer feel the need. Who cares how much your husband punished himself...what about you? His actions hurt you too.

I do understand what your husband means though, I just think he could chosen a better way to say it. My husband's EA woke us both up. We now realize where we went wrong and how much we need to make each other the first priority. It's strange because as badly as he hurt me, we are now communicating better than ever and we spend so much more time together. I told him maybe his EA was a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason kind of thing....Maybe that's what he meant?


Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH here. Hope it's okay to chime in. I am wondering if your husband's words and delivery were just clunky, and he might have been getting at (albeit in a foot in mouth way) what Scubachick suggests:

I do understand what your husband means though, I just think he could chosen a better way to say it.

Perhaps tell your husband how his words made you feel, and let him elaborate on the subtext he was getting at. Sometimes we're so focused on the text (the actual words) AND our own hearing filters (how we WANT to hear something at a particular time...and based on our emotional place, our physical place, our relationship place, etc.) that we don't pick up on the subtext. Not suggesting you don't know best what he said and how he said it, but you're mentioning positives: new hopes and dreams, doing more things in three years than the last 10, and doing so well. Was all that so fragile that it's really back to day one due to that sentence he spoke? I'm asking sincerely, as it both saddens me and scares me as a WS.

Scuba continued:

My husband's EA woke us both up. We now realize where we went wrong and how much we need to make each other the first priority. It's strange because as badly as he hurt me, we are now communicating better than ever and we spend so much more time together. I told him maybe his EA was a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason kind of thing....Maybe that's what he meant?

Just hypothetically, if a WS came here and wrote "I told my BS maybe my having an affair was a blessing in disguise" how long would it take for a sh^tstorm of replies to pour in, and the mods needing to do their mod thing? And yet here is a BS indicating that out of the ruins and wreckage, something new and beautiful is emerging. That encourages me and shows me that for R to work, it takes two individuals working on themselves (one, the WS, due to a need...the other, the BS, due to forced circumstances beyond their fault and control) AND the joint efforts of two people trying to find a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope you'll verify your WH's intent with direct communication regarding how what you heard him say made you feel. And that all of the positives you yourself mentioned you've been experiencing won't be lost due to a miscommunication that was one sentence long. I don't pretend to know what you are feeling, and am not suggesting anything that isn't firmly IMHO.

I am guilty of a stupid utterance on a fairly regular basis. I am getting much better at owning it, fast, and not letting a small spark create a conflagration which burns down NEW growth. Reading here on Reconciliation is a great way to find hope, and stay grounded in the reality of how hard "R" actually is...short term, and beyond. Best wishes to you.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 2:56 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, that must have really hurt to hear him say that. I do think that an A can be a learning experience, but to have no regrets? Really? At least have the decency to regret hurting the person you vowed to love and cherish forever. ((Dallas))


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 956 | Registered: Aug 2011
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stupid speakith! Mine did the same thing seriously!!!
He said he wouldn't change anything because of where we are today!! I told him he could have my heart and my memories for one day and he wouldn't be saying that!

Grant it I love where I am today but things could of been what I wanted if he hadn't cheated. Sooo as I say stupid speaks stupid words. He should of said he regretted the pain he caused the both of you.
I am a BS and I would never never say that his Affair was a blessing in disguise, NEVER! It is a very painful time I wish never happened. I believe all things happen for a reason I just have not figured out what the freakin reason is 'cept he had to prove how stupid he was. Just me again.
I know recon is a place of nice words.. Sorry mods..

Look you are in a great place. I get him saying that ripped your heart wide open. It did me too. But as stated above sometimes you have to look beyond his words to know what he is saying. Or tell him to explain that sentence to you. That you want to know what he meant? That is w
hat I would do. I did ask mine..

Look at the last 3 year and smile..You kinda have to closet that other years. I do..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most men don't think about how they say something sometimes and it comes out wrong. My husband is famous for it. If I were you, I would have a discussion with him about what he said to make clear what he was thinking when he said it


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
myheadreallyhurt
♀ Member
Member # 36424
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, I am so sorry. I heard something along the lines of, "I'm glad this happened so I could realize how special you are to me and that we're meant to be together." I was stunned. Thinking,"Isn't that why we married and had kids together, we were meant to be together? Because I didn't need to have an affair to come to that conclusion!"


"See that no one repays another evil with evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another"

Posts: 133 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew someone would misunderstand my comment about my husbands EA being a blessing in disguise. Of coarse I would have prefered that it not happen but it did. I choose to try to find something positive out of anything bad that happens to me. For example, My sister died almost 2 years ago. Instead of focusing on all the time and experiences I won't be able to share with her, I focus on how lucky I am to have gotten to spend the first 37 years of my life with her. Because some people don't even get that long.
As for my marriage...things were bad before the affair. We had almost no communication and were headed for divorce. His EA was a catalyst for change in my marriage. It took something this huge for us both to wake up. In my mind, if we make it through this it will have been worth it. And that's a blessing in disguise for me.

Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dallas2 - IMHO you really need to have him clarify what he meant. My WH has said things that I found offensive and hurtful. I have learned to tell him what he said hurt me and then we talk about it. This has taken year and half to get to this point. It has not been easy to change how we spent the last 25 years communicating but it was necessary to stay married.

MC said he had punished himself and he wasn't going to open his wounds.

I can see what the MC means by this. I think what the MC is saying is he can't continue to spend his life punishing himself for the A. You can't spend the rest of your marriage punishing him as well. That is not going to help in going forward and R. It also helps to see a WS showing remorse. It can be a long difficult road.

It also opened up all the things I had put away. Didn't push for answers.

This sounds to me like you haven't resolved your feelings about the A and decided to rugsweep your feelings. Why didn't you push for answers you needed?

Maybe A was dealbreaker. I really think it's his attitude that is the dealbreaker.

If the A is a deal breaker, then that is ok. If you are not seeing the changes, then that could also be a deal breaker. The important thing for you is to be at peace at whatever you decide to do. Only you can make that decision.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a similar situation. About a month ago, my fWH and I were out on a date, talking, shopping and having fun. I was talking about all the money and time he was spending with me (a 180 from pre A)... And then, jokingly, in a moment of stupidity, out slipped the words right from his mouth, "Your lucky I cheated!". I was stuned, hurt and fuming but I understood what happened. I knew that he didn't mean I was lucky that he cheated but lucky that he's in debt to me, remorseful and trying to be the H I deserve to have. He still apologizes for cheating, speaking before thinking and and day to day things.
I think if WSs can see the fault in their actions, then R should be that much easier. I'd ask what he ment by it and how he would feel if the tables were turned and if he was in your shoes, how he would feel about you saying that to him. I always tell my H that if it would hurt him, it will definitely hurt me. Good luck


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses.

I actually am planning on talking to him and clearing this up. we have had company for the past few days so it hasn't been an option.

Scubachick - I did ask questions but never got true answers all at once. The tt was killing me so I stopped asking. How can I begin to respect and love someone who is still not being honest with me? I will admit now that he has reopened things and I have thought about it. I know I can't stay if I don't feel I have the truth.

JustDesserts- Thanks for being brave enough to respond. YOur question

Was all that so fragile that it's really back to day one due to that sentence he spoke? I'm asking sincerely, as it both saddens me and scares me as a WS.

I am not quite at day one but yes this has hurt me to the point that I question myself. As a BS I know HOPE is a big reason we stay. HOPE things will get better. HOPE that the WS will not cheat again. HOPE that our M will get better and survivie.
Of course the other reason we stay is we still love the WS. Didn't mean to scare you.

heartache101 - Great words of advice. I love the stupid speaketh remark.

Wonderingwhy11 - Beleive it or not rugsweeping is not my usual mode of operating. This A crap has knocked my socks off. In a way I'm glad he made that remark. It pissed me off enough that "I'm Back"

Again Thank you all. Your support is what gets me through bad times like this.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I have no regrets about my life, I look at everything as a learning experience."

So, he has no regrets about hurting you? How nice for him to have a "learning experience" at your expense.

Grrrrr.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I have no regrets about my life, I look at everything as a learning experience."

Dallas, I waited all day before I posted here, because lord knows I don't want to make you feel worse, and I know that sometimes a sentence can come out wrong - but this is just so totally *self absorbed* that it just staggers me. I have to say that I see it the same way you do. I would be devastated too.


Where are his thoughts of you in this sentence? How can he have 'no regrets' about something that caused you so much pain? Even if he learned a lesson from it?


I get what some are saying - that out of the ashes of destruction, something new and beautiful in it's own right can emerge - and I agree with that. But for him to not acknowledge the COST you paid for his lesson he learned is a really, really big (and revealing) oversight to me. That statement is all about him - and the worst thing to me is that it seems that he doesn't even realise it. It's got to be pointed out to him.


and I think Skan is spot on with this about the MC too..

I would be far more reassured of the value of the MC if the MC had come to the conclusion that WH had done the work necessary to get to the bottom of his issues, solve them, forgive himself for being a broken man, and then committed himself to your support while you healed.


(((Dallas2)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1883 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 14

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