One day, one emotion at a time... Together.
Is this idea in your head that he will have another A if you don't have sex with him or has he given you an indication that he would?
I don't know if you are doing it out of fear, for me it's been more to have a connection and take a step forward.
I get what you are saying re: feeling like you don't want to be pressured by the situation. . .I would just say talk and talk some more. Also, I recommend His Needs Her Needs to make sure all your needs are getting met.
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months
In MC & Reconciling
Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time. ; )
Our sex life for 20 years was a lot out of obligation, and pretty vanilla, I am sad to say. For some reason the shock of the affair broke us out of some old molds and ways of looking at things. For some reason, I realized that indeed I WAS a sexual being. It has helped that my H is meeting my needs far better than he was before, so I feel like being intimate more.
So, it is not abnormal that you feel like having sex. . although if you are like me you probably don't want to tell anyone who knows because they'd think you were insane!
Our sex life for 20 years was a lot out of obligation, and pretty vanilla, I am sad to say. For some reason the shock of the affair broke us out of some old molds and ways of looking at things. For some reason, I realized that indeed I WAS a sexual being
This is me...it's like the A has cracked me open in many ways - good, bad but in terms of sex....it is way better now then pre-A.
My sexuality was always something I stuffed down. I am not doing that anymore and its not bc I am afraid of him cheating. Nope. I am coming out of my shell for me. And it seems to be working for him too!
We are newly weds, and have sex as often as we can (with a 4 year old in the house), but it's taken a year to get to this point. After d-day, we would go months, and sex wasn't even discussed.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
P.S. we are the same age as well. . .probably part of the equation.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:39 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]
A year later I told him we should D, and he wanted us to go into MC instead. From that we dated each other for 6 months before we had sex again... which was, again, painfully hot. We've always had a good sex life What can I say, despite all of our bullshit he really does it for me in that department, heheh
I'm not sure what our status is at the moment, we had some setbacks recently and we're starting MC again next week after a 2 year hiatus (I guess we felt we were fine without it?). And we've had some discussions that haven't gone well, and another DDay a few weeks ago that I haven't confronted him on. I haven't been with him sexually since then. I'm not sure I want to anymore. I mean, I want to, because we have great chemistry and I still love him and I know he loves me in spite of his lies. But I guess the dishonesty is a major turn-off for me, go figure. After 3.5 years of successfully dating and working on things and improving our relationship, he lies to me directly with a straight face. Anyway we'll see how next week's MC goes. I want some more of that hot lovin' But why the fuck can't he just be honest with me? Ah well.
[This message edited by PolyGal at 1:55 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]
Then yesterday all we did was talk and talk and talk about everything - a few hugs and kisses but nothing overly sexual. Then after talking all day we both just looked at each other for a second and had the same thought - that we had to have each other! It was the most intimate, emotional sex I think I have ever had. Completely amazing!!!!
So yeah sometimes I wonder what in the world we were thinking right afterward (ok still because its only been 3 months lol) and it's far from daily now but soooo wonderful each time and doesn't at all feel like a "chore".
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
[This message edited by Landoes at 2:46 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]
It was my RWH that had a harder time with sex. Because we hadn't connected that way in so long he confessed that he thought that part of our marriage was over. He felt like I was having sex with him just to make sure he didn't leave. He felt he was pressuring me because it had been an issue for him allowing the A to happen. It made HIM feel guilty. It has taken a long time for him to feel like this is exactly what I wanted. I had to explain, rather infatically that I too had missed making love to him and wanted it back badly. That I was so enjoying our ability to bond in such a wonderful way. I told him it also made me feel safe. Knowing he was so close was comforting to me.
After a year of reengagement I can honestly say sex is natural and loving again.
[This message edited by TxsT at 3:37 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
PS.....for LTA's and long term marriages I do not believe this concept of hysterical bonding. I believe it is an integral part of a healthy relationship and if both party's are ok with it there is nothing hysterical about it.
Not to pick an interweb fight, but I am not sure what you mean. Maybe it's because of a lack of a mutual definition of HB.
Personally, I don't think HB should carry any negative connotations -- but it is good to be aware that this desire for sex, which is often incongruent with how the BS feels about the WS, is common.
I thought I was going crazy.