When I asked him to do it, he flipped a lid. That was a total red flag for me. Then, in MC, he'd reluctantly agree to "think about it", but never did. He claims it was the principle about the whole thing - that it made him feel like a criminal. (I reminded him that he HAD committed a crime against our marriage!)
Anyways, he never complied and I gave up on the subject. Now I'm coming back to it again. I think it's because I've been on the fence lately about my decision to stay. Now that the hysteria is slowing down, it's time to get to serious work. But I come back to this and think, What if? What if this WASN'T the first time, and he's been feeding me more lies?
If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't have reacted the way he did. But my MC thinks he reacted that way because of the guilt and shame and how it makes him feel like a child in trouble, blah blah blah.
Has anyone else had a WS who has refused the test?
Once everything was out, I would have done anything to let my BS know I was being truthful.
He's refusing because he's still hiding something.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
How does it work? Has anyone had a bad experience with it?
I am begging my reluctant WH to do it regarding other infidelities, and he refuses. I am left with the assumption that there were more before the one I am aware of, but he denies any others.
Just looking for more insight on this process, I guess...
I found out later the true details bc my instincts never stopped going crazy. He passed maybe because the questions werent relevant or the guy giving it sucked. I dont know.
I have again recently asked for a new one with someone more qualified to see if there are more. My heart tells me there must be. He has admitted to flirting a lot but says it only went to sex with OW.
He says thats fine we can take one. Whatever it takes to help me. So I'll book it and see what happens...
that it made him feel like a criminal
My WH said this exact thing. Still hasn't done the test, although he said he would.
Married over 9 years, together for 18.
DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).
After I discovered the false R, he offered to take one again and I said, "Schedule it."
It was an experienced examiner and I was allowed 10 yes/no questions which the examiner and my H and I went over right before the exam. The examiner helped me clarify a couple of questions and explained that questions about "feelings" and "plans" would not yield reliable results. Right before the administration of the test, I got a piece of truth that was a revelation of a trickle truth, but nothing that was a dealbreaker or overwhelming.
I chose to leave the room during the test because the entire thing was uncomfortable for me. I hated admitting to a stranger all the ugly details of my H's affair, and it was hard to let a stranger see that my H was so capable of immense deception and hurt that we had to resort to a polygraph. I absolutely know his A was all about him, but it was humiliating for both of us to lay it all out there in front of a stranger.
However, I am glad we went through with it. If I had it to do all over again, I would do it exactly the same way--actually I would change one very important thing--I would have done it during the false R when I wasn't healing and couldn't figure out why. Unfortunately, I'd be suspicious of an angry and resistant WH.
My H was willing to do whatever it took, but he also felt like a criminal. I found it very uncomfortable too.
It took 24 (very long) hours to get the results. He passed. It really helped us move forward.
Also, he had been falsely accused at work and he was able to tell his partner that he had passed a poly.
I got the name from the PI I had hired early on and he set the whole thing up. It cost $550.
If a WS says they will do "anything" for you, this should be part of anything if you want it, IMO.
He did full disclosure and admitted to a ONS, and never ever saw her again.
He went through 2 other polygraphs, and passed both.
We were allowed 4 yes/no questions not subject to emotion. Just factual questions. Both examiners had over 25 years of experience, one working for the FBI and the other the president of the polygraph association in this state.
I am relieved that we went through the process.