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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: closure?
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah...month 10/11 of R.

This month is the month that my fWH had his 2-3month EA with a co-worker.

Like everyone else here; I am tired, drained, frustrated that I still don't feel better and have not fallen "back in love" with the H that is truly remorseful and is doing all he can.

My road block that I need to focus on right now for forgiveness and R....?

How do I get closure with his feelings for the AP? Sure he doesn't feel anything for her now. He is disgusted by her and sees her as a drug.

The issue, when he broke it off. He sent her on her merry way with a "I think the world of you, I think highly of you. I wish things were different and I could get to know you better." Later-an admission to her best friend a month after the A ended "I think she looked beautiful and should leave her boyfriend. and I should have made a move on her" (like her best friend didn't relay that to her)

How do I get over the fact that this leech is out there feeling good about herself because my husband made her feel that way? Thinking that she was all that to him. I don't want her out there feeling good due to him at my expense and pain.

Any ideas? Should I have him write a NC letter explaining how he feels about her now? Even after nearly a year? Any other options, because I know this is a deal breaker for me. I will not get over this particular resentment.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No,no, no! No contact letter a year later, . OW will take this as a sign that u 2 are still thinking of her.

The past is in the past and its not your responsibility to continue to punish your husband....nor the AP ....so long in your recon.

I feel your pain about his comments, but what did she get really. A couple of lame compliments as he sent her packing while he creates a life with you. Talk is cheap and obviously you are the topic of a scorned woman's and her friends conversation. If you weren't the OW friend would have ignored him. She obviously doesn't have a life.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember in the end He chose you that in itself must cause her pain.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There really never is any closure with the AP. Writing a letter a year later opens the door to let her back in, lets her know you're still focusing on her, which, we do, but she doesn't need to know that. Anything you send now she will likely think was prompted by you.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hopefulmother)))

As I write this post my wife is walking my girls to school. Her AP truck is most likely parked between our house and the school. ...he did all last year...speaks to the type of person he is and where he is at on his life's journey.

You and I share almost identical stories...time frame of DD, length of affair, nature of affair.

I am surprisingly ok with this moment.

I am also drained and tired...but in a peaceful way..not an anxious way.

I am about halfway through a book on forgiveness...it teaches about the various types of forgiveness and the realization that forgiveness may not happen, but that acceptance must happen in place of true forgiveness.

I am gaining some good perspective on how I am working and not working on forgiveness.

Your road block is my road block....forgiveness.

About 3 months ago I worked on forgiving myself for my early decision to sacrifice my self worth and esteem in a feeble attempt at keeping my marriage and family together. That was tough...but I did it. Gives me hope I can find the path to forgive my wife.

I still have strong desires to protect my family...still want to engage my wifes AP in unhealthy ways (pretty brutal, primal ways here...no thought of a letter!). This is why I am NOT with my wife and daughters today...it is by my own lack of distance down this path towards the AP that prohibited me from this memorable experience of first day of school drop off.


I will say that I watched a local t-ball game this summer with a friend of mine (his kid playing)...and her AP was in the bleachers....he knew I was there, I knew he was there. And I did NOT have that primal urge to engage. So I am progressing. The big difference then? It was just me...my family did not attend the game with me. Kind of like when I come across a snake in the woods...it might alert me but it does not rattle me. But if my 6 year old is next to me and is not paying attention I engage the situation more earnestly.

Ultimately, it is through saddness that I will get past my anger towards her AP. He has hurt his family (5 kids) in ways that will affect them for a long time, that saddens me...if it leads to divorce in his family...it will affect them for a lifetime, a horrible consequence brought on by his sad decision. My wife has hurt our family in the identical way.

There is nothing to be jealous of here. Neither my wife or her AP gained anything from their actions and lost much. No justification to be jealous for what they "got" out of their choice. No justification to be jealous of who he is. No need to engage our spouses AP's ever. Even if they re-connect with our spouses, it will simply be time for us to move forward on our lifes journey without them.

His choice to do what he did with my wife, combined with where he continues to park and a compromising position I caught him in with another woman NOT his wife after he broke it off with my wife tells me what type of "man" he is....and this is the type of man my wife chose to committ adultery with. This is the facts...and I fully see and accept this. I think in this regard...although it is really puzzling how my intelligent wife could choose such a sub-par man to so radically and quickly committ to and engage with, I think the benefit will be that it is easier to move past him as a substantial part of this. If he actually possessed quality character traits I could see my wifes choices and justifications better...be harder to take him out of the equation like I am doing. Of course, she DID choose him. So I am probably splitting hairs here......my work is to reconcile who my wife is that this was her choice. I am hopeful that she will continue to share her experience, her steps along her journey to figuring out how she made the choices she made, how her views were then and how they changed now, and the significance of those to her....continue to share where she is changing to mend that which is damaged, both within herself and our marriage.

Closure with regards to the AP's is ours to take...not for anyone (our spouses or their AP's) to give us. Do we have the courage to take this? I am working on that....I see you are too.

Hang in there.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:14 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3682 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the end, I think it comes down to the messages we hear in our heads - our self-talk. A year ago, your H was generating one set of messages to himself about ow. Now, we all hope, he's generating very different messages. After a year, your H's negative messages about ow and the positive messages about you are probably overwhelming the old positive messages about ow.

Now your best bet is to keep generating self-talk to yourself about the irrelevance of ow, because she really is irrelevant to you.

Self-talk is the way to get over your resentment. Think of it this way - your resentment is hurting you more than it hurts your H or your M, and it doesn't even touch ow. Stop punishing yourself - set yourself free.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:39 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10094 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again...sisoon captures in a very short concise format that which I tried earlier to do.

Thank you sisoon.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3682 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone.

I probably already knew that, but sometimes the emotional pain just sets us off. I am writing a letter to her now. I will post it here.

You guys are right...I don't want her to think she is important enough for me to still contact her or talk about her.

I am so glad I posted here.

Blacksteele
I would freak. That AP is creepy. At least ours was gracious enough to bow out of our lives. I guess I owe her something for backing off, when he made it apparent he wanted me. Wish I could say the same about the friend. But, my H put an end to that too. And rather bluntly. What is the book you are reading? Men like that will get their Karma-old and alone.

Thank you Sisoon. I will do just that more often. I will call it the Sisoon method. "So all he ever gave her was words. She is irrelevant. He chose me. Before, I even found out about the A for certain."


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I forgive you.... The courage To forgive , The freedom not to -- Janis Abrahms Spring

Not through it yet. One of those Books where I'll read a page And have to ponder what I just read.... More of a process then reading it to the end. Kevin?


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3682 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I forgive you.... The courage To forgive , The freedom not to -- Janis Abrahms Spring
Not through it yet. One of those Books where I'll read a page And have to ponder what I just read.... More of a process then reading it to the end.

Absolutely. I've read the book twice now, and it took me many months each time. It really requires reflection, and in my case, a bunch of journaling, to really digest and apply it to my own situation.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember - she is smart enough or remorseful enough to know that his words didn't mean shit because he was looking for an ego stroke, a boost, etc. and she wasnt really worth it (as evidenced by his decision to R) Or if she's not smart, well, anything you or WH say now isn't going to change that. If she's dummy enough to fall for a married man's unoriginal compliments, she won't "get it" thru her thick skull if he writes to her now with a different opinion.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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