[This message edited by mrniceguy26 at 11:24 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]
lots of guys here - you are NOT alone in your pain.
The challenge will be for her, she has put it behind her. For you, it is as if it just happened today. It is also normal to doubt everything over the last three years as to the validity of your marriage and the "realness" of it when such a betrayal has occurred.
The healing library (located in the upper right corner in the yellow box) has a lot of very good information to help you navigate through this. The important thing right now is to take care of yourself. Eat, drink and try to get some rest. Decisions do not have to be made now. You have time to do that regardless of the direction you are thinking.
Post here as much as you need. There is a lot of collective wisdom here.
I am four years out from my WH A....it does get better.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Affairs are quite the shit sandwich and no matter how much pepper or ketchup you try to put on it over the next few months, it's still gonna taste like shit so buckle up.
So this affair ended 3 years ago? Do you think there may have been more she hasn't told you about? Does she still work with this same boss? Has she gone 100% transparent, i.e. all email access, cell phone, etc. etc.? Is he married? Has she submitted (as well as you) to STD tests? Do you feel you'll need paternity tests to give closure to your own children?
These are just some of the things that you should be processing to see which you will need to properly heal, but everyone is different. It's hard to trust a partner when they have been lying to you for years... so it's perfectly normal and NOT paranoid at all to declare some ground-rules to help make the relationship "safe" for you in order to recover.
Good luck to you man!
Well, hope you all understand that I wish I never even needed to meet you
No worries - i think we ALL feel/felt like that when stumbling across this site. There are lots of supportive people here (men and women) that can understand.
Medium rare - Yes it ended three years ago, it stopped after we moved. They no longer work in the same place but they do work in the same district. I have laid strict ground rules and one of them is that she fully discloses all contact with him work related or other wise and that she is not to contact him unless for work and she is to disclose this info immediately. She has committed to 100% transparency and has volunteered all info to her accounts. She finally told me after I had been working on my issues for her and when she saw the work I was doing for us the guilt was too much I guess. She broke down after I had her watch the Victor Marx Story with me because I thought it might help her with her childhood abuse issues. After the show we were talking and it finally came out. we haven't yet gone to the doctors but we may in the next few weeks, nothing has physically manifested and if it is internal then after three years a few weeks shouldn't hurt. Yes he was married at the time but he has since divorced, I know at the time his daughter was suffering from a life threatening illness. To her credit my wife is doing a lot to help with this process and while it kills me that I cannot be sure she will remain faithful I feel that she is truly remorseful. She has committed to be 100% truthful and to disclose any temptation in the future. I have been lurking on here and I almost feel bad even posting because some of the WS are treating the BS so cruelly and my wife is at least try to reconcile.
Skan - thank you and I will NEVER not love my daughters with every fiber of my being, even if the worst was discovered I would die for any or all of my girls with out a seconds hesitation.
Thanks again for the support I am typing out the story now but it may take a few days there is a lot of detail. Did I mention the obsession phase is nuts, I squandered every detail I could and I am still to some extent trying to track down where I was and the actual dates they were together. I know it may not help but I feel I cannot rest until I can say to myself "You have taken this case as far as humanly possible."
Again, thank you all for your input and support. As well as your time I do not have anyone to talk to about this issue so thanks again.