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Newest Member: Loriann (44709)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how to get rid of the ghosts.
bushbaby
♀ Member
Member # 22921
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am now over three years into a new relationship with a wonderful man, living with him and his three beautiful boys......

And waiting for the shoe to drop. Try as I will, I still have the insecurities....I check his phone, his emails....I suspect him of dark secrets...is he secretly gay? FOR NO REASON!! there are no flags. Every check comes out clear, but I still have this horrible feeling.

How can I make the ghosts go away? I want to be able to love my new man, and build a "happy ever after" instead of waiting for the day when it comes to a horrible end


I'm alive. They say it's gonna rain, but I'll survive....I know I'm crying out, but I'm in pain....
Me BS, 39
WH 47 D twice
M 8 years
Daughter and Son 15 & 13 from his 2nd marriage raised as mine
DDay 13 Feb 09. Divorcing

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2009
heartbroken30
♀ Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see that your dday was 4 years ago, but your dating you SO over 3....did you do IC? Perhaps you didn't have enough time to fully heal? Are you in IC now? It sounds to me that you need to do more work on yourself. If he has given you no reason to be suspicious, it's not fair to him to check his phone and email. Have you discussed your fears with him?


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he does have a dark secret...there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is love and hope he is who he says he is. Sometimes you just gotta leap to trust again, without dragging your past with you.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4112 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
bushbaby
♀ Member
Member # 22921
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never did IC.....I live in a small town in Central Africa, so the only real counselling available here is very Christian, and I am not overly religious....

I have discussed it with him, and he says he loves me, will not cheat, and does not know how to reassure me. He is not the demonstrative type, but that is par for the course for men around here

I just don't know how to get rid of the demons of my past


I'm alive. They say it's gonna rain, but I'll survive....I know I'm crying out, but I'm in pain....
Me BS, 39
WH 47 D twice
M 8 years
Daughter and Son 15 & 13 from his 2nd marriage raised as mine
DDay 13 Feb 09. Divorcing

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2009
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you expressed your concerns to your SO? Has he reassured you otherwise?

I would honestly say to stop checking his phone, stop checking his email. By investigating where there is no cause, you feed the beast of fear and insecurity. Trust can be a choice, and you can retrain your mind to focus on the positives. When you are tempted to check his info, instead tell yourself out loud that you trust him because he is a good man who is faithful, respects you, loves you, treats you well, etc. and then find something else to do to occupy yourself.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13687 | Registered: Jul 2011
chikastuff
♀ Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are therapists who do online/skype sessions. Perhaps that's an option for you?


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some self help books that may be of some benefit. I'll PM you with titles.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3090 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bushbaby,, this is what my counselor told me.

The more you invest in a relationship, the more you have to lose. Therefore, it is reasonable that you feel this way. She recommends doing a lot of things that you like to do to keep your self image strong.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2059 | Registered: Jan 2012
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust yourself that you been through it once and you survived and you are strong enough to handle it again if you have to.

Enjoy the time you do have- not to be depressing but there are no guarantees of life - affairs, accidents, etc. Let go and know you can handle whatever comes and soak up life.


Posts: 931 | Registered: Jul 2012
bushbaby
♀ Member
Member # 22921
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the help....it really seems I have a lot more to do myself to rebuild properly. (Or does one ever really get over it?)

I have a really amazing man, who fortunately for me is very understanding, despite having a lot of baggage of his own, which he is a LOT better at dealing with than I seem to be!

Trust, love and working on the ghosts is the order of the day!


I'm alive. They say it's gonna rain, but I'll survive....I know I'm crying out, but I'm in pain....
Me BS, 39
WH 47 D twice
M 8 years
Daughter and Son 15 & 13 from his 2nd marriage raised as mine
DDay 13 Feb 09. Divorcing

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2009
TXanTB
♀ New Member
Member # 35889
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am ready to stop backsliding too. It isn't fair to my SO that the ghosts of my ex and OW effect our life. I'm secretly scared that this relationship will fail because of them.

I hate this.


Me: BS, 39
Him: WH, 44
Her: old, ugly, lonely, pathetic

Kids: my two reasons for getting through each day


Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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