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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife's EA with a teenager... lots of details.
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((INYM)))

PLease listen to the other post.

I won't say what I would do if this would of happened to one of my sons. I can guarantee you the law would of been called on the preditor... Your wife is sick she needs help. Help you can not provide. Please please I plead you to get her help.
Report her to your pastor and to the parents of the child. I would recommend you tell the pastor first.
Then request a meeting at church with the pastor.
Maybe the pastor can recommend to your wife to seek help also or charges will be filed! I would never let her near another youth group.

I am sooo sorry I really am for your pain.
Please seek yourself counseling also. Eat drink and exercise. Come on here and talk to us. We are here to support you..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,ItsNotYouItsme.

I know it seems like we are all piling on a little bit. Im sorry if you are overwhelmed. You have been through a terrible ordeal..one that is actually just starting,and you are probably in shock. Now is not the time to be complacent. You need to act NOW. People already know..the longer you wait,the worse this will be for you and your kids. I understand you want to protect your WW too. The thing is..you can't. If you try to shield her from the consequences,it will look as if you are ok with what she did..and you don't want that to happen. You could lose your kids. Im so sorry..but that is a very real possibility. The quicker you act, the less chance there is of that happening. You must protect your kids. They don't want to be removed from your home..and of course you don't want that either.

Please know that we are all hear to support you..and even though our advice sounds harsh...it really is all about protecting you and those precious children.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7688 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was able to download and run some ipod recovery software. Ask and I will tell you what I used, it was free to scan and preview everything it could recover and that's all I needed to do.

I'd love to know this information


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because the right things weren't done at the time, my 16-year-old nephew moved in with his 40-year-old extracurricular teacher the minute he turned 18. He now lives with her taking care of her five kids while she works. They took the whole thing underground after confrontation despite the fact that she sat and talked with both of his parents.

If I'd had enough information at that time, I'd have called the cops. In my state, 16 is the age of consent unless the other person is more than 7-years-older. Then it's charges. If someone had called the cops then, maybe he wouldn't be with her now and would instead be with someone his own age starting a normal life.

Your wife is insecure and desperate for attention and her judgment is flawed. The fact that she told a concerned friend to mind her own business is a pretty good indication that she's really only sorry she got caught. Couple that with the fact that there has been ongoing communication and it's pretty much a definite. She has NO BUSINESS teaching at the church. She has NO BUSINESS in a position of authority over teenagers. Her flawed perception of appropriate behavior means that this could happen again or go underground.

For the boy's sake and the protection of other kids in the class, please go to the minister before this really blows up. How would you feel if this were your child and an adult was behaving this way?


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4145 | Registered: Sep 2005
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She could very easily be arrested & labeled a child sex offender. Get yourself an Attorney. Your pastor needs to know. In our drmoninstions she would be immediately removed & set out for a number if years maybe indefinately. I have a 16 year old son & I would want to know the truth & want her removed from any symbolensce of leadership. She needs help.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 188 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your hell. You have so much on your plate right now and I know, that it feels like we're all piling on top of you adding to it. I hope that you can believe and trust that we are REALLY worried about you and your children. (((hugs))) I hope that you can come back for support, and I hope that this has given you something to think about, to help you protect yourself and your children. That's the only important thing right now.

I am a church administrator. All I will say is that I would never be able to trust anyone in our youth program, who was so inappropriate with a minor, around children alone again. And I would be holding you and your children in my prayers and concerns because this is NOT your fault, nor your children's fault. (((more hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4935 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a church administrator. All I will say is that I would never be able to trust anyone in our youth program, who was so inappropriate with a minor, around children alone again. And I would be holding you and your children in my prayers and concerns because this is NOT your fault, nor your children's fault. (((more hugs)))

DITTO!!! And I will also add that as a church administrator myself (I know, my language tends to be terrible but I am a child of God ) I would move heaven and earth to get her removed for any position of authority in my church!


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
blindsided03
♀ Member
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, INYIM,
Sorry to hear what you're going through. Things are tough right now and I can't imagine how you must be feeling. My idiot stbxh was out looking for cougars, so it's probably not too much different of a feeling...minus the pedophilia thing. I think you should be telling the parents of the boy and kicking your wife out. Do you really want someone who is sexually attracted to teenagers raising your teenagers? Are you prepared to worry every time your kids have friends over? It sounds like she's really having a lot of issues, maybe borderline like mine, and needs real counseling. Also, sixteen?!??!?! that's crazy. It's not acceptable and you should really let everyone know. As it is, you got screwed over and you're doing her a favor by keeping your mouth closed!! You don't owe her sh*t!! She's a b*tch and she deserves to feel pain for what she did. it is NOT your responsibility to hold onto the pain and cover up for her!! if she had the balls to do it, then she has to have the balls to own up to the consequences!


BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is going to suck to hear, but I very much doubt they were never physical.

They were alone repeatedly, knew your schedule, met up repeatedly outside your home, etc; it's possible they never did anything but teenagers have a lot of emotions and very little restraint, and you wife was very deep into this mess.

Right now you need to protect yourself and your kids. Your wife spent a long time deceiving you, and just being found out does not mean she will be truthful now. This isn't something you can't get through together, but she has to be all in and on your side to make it.

Good luck, don't compromise your boundaries.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7484 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know from first-hand experience that trying to protect the WS by telling no one is not generally effective.

Additionally, you have the added complications of having your WW in an inappropriate relationship with a minor child over whom she had supervisory and instruction duties. You are both legally vulnerable here, and I recommend you heed the advice of the other posters and meet with the church administration and the child's parents and come clean.

Yes, they may press charges. I would. But under no circumstances should she hold a position like this again unless she has extensive therapy and counseling for her extremely poor choices in coping mechanisms.

I don't think you grasp the seriousness of the situation. I would also start researching criminal attorneys--your WW may need one.

Sorry to be harsh, but this is a minor child. As a parent, I would be calling for the tar and feathers.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29664 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
blindsided03
♀ Member
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can you get in trouble in your state for conspiracy with a pedophile? I find that in a lot of states, you get in just as much trouble for knowing these things and not reporting them than as you did them. This is a CHILD. I'm 26 and think that's inappropriate. She needs therapy and jail. Do you really want to be married to Mary Kay LeTourneau? You can do better!! We're all going through hell, but you need to protect this child and other children from your wife. She is, unfortunately, a predator, and you are risking your freedom by protecting her.


BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I've read your post and all the replies. This is very traumatic and I couldn't even comprehend how you must feel.

I'm a bit suprised about what we call here on this forum '2x4s' and calling her a b**** and a pedophile. I don't think it's neccessary on the Just found out forum. Ecspecially as your post indicates no real virtol to your wife.

Firstly you really need to organise a counsellor for yourself, a lawyer and a doctor's appointment. Personally I don't see this 16 year old as the top of the priority list, you and your children need to be your first priorities. NOT him. Sixteen year olds make stupid descisions, but are not stupid enough to know what they are doing has consequences and isn't right.

So right now this is how your priorities should look
1. You: legal, mental health, physical health
2. Your children: (you need a healthy you, so you can be there for your children
3: The sixteen year old
4: Your church... maybe? (I'm not religous can't comment)

--------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope you realise I didn't mention your wife here. She's not the priority. Naturally your first instinct is to want to fix this, fix the problem, fix her! But you can't she's made her choices and they are not with your religion or your vows, immoral and yes they may be considered illegal.

Best wishes and I hope you have not been scared off this site, sometimes it can be a little intense but it is always from a place of good.
(I'm actually not sure if it is illegal (did a google), as it does not seem to be a physical affair, even so the evidence would be lackluster unless she took photographs etc, maybe check it out?) If it was only kissing and no groping, but I'm sure you've already researched this.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 11:40 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm actually not sure if it is illegal

Contributing to the delinquency of a minor IS illegal. Doesn't matter if she "touched" him. What she did exhibits severe boundary issues and definitely crosses the line going 100 miles per hour. Imagine that this was YOUR son who was engaged in this behavior with a "ministry authority" - and being religious has nothing to do with it. I feel pretty certain you'd see it quite differently and be just outraged as most responders to this thread.


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a bit concerned the original poster has not been back.

ItsNotYouitsMe, So sorry for what you are going through. I realize the responses can be overwhelming at first, but please don't let that deter you from coming back.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually looked at the Texas age of consent laws. It indicates it has to be breast, anal or genital touching. I did say to go to a lawyer, i'm merely saying it seems to be a possibility.

Ofcourse I'm outraged at the actions. But sixteen IS sixteen, physiologically, socially and emotionally etc generally you are old enough to know right from wrong, besides when I was sixteen I was involved with an older man who was my tutor. (NOT TEACHER, HIRED, who I paid for), no infideltiy. It was a very regrettable ongoing situation (some aspects almost identical as the story) and sure I feel taken advantage of even all these years later. But I knew it was wrong, I could of stopped it, but I didn't.

But this is not the poster's concern, he is not responsible for his wife's actions. His children needs to be put first as should himself. He should not be involved in the situation between the wife, the parents of the son, and church? play out, and stay out of it.

And no I don't have a kid. But if I was this kid's parent I would want blood and to get the poster involved, all emotional etc. But we are here to help the original poster, not this kid.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 12:18 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We could go round and round all night...

Regardless of our opinions on age of consent, psychological, physiological, etc. the point is that this woman has had an emotional (at best) affair with a child. A CHILD. Now the poster most certainly does need to look out for himself and his children, but doing that includes getting involved as far as his church and the parents of the boy are concerned. I'm not a lawyer so I am not versed in Texas or any other state's laws. But I do know this: there have been cases where spouses have been held accountable for knowing that their husband or wife was involved in an inappropriate relationship with a minor and doing nothing.

Alerting this child's parents to the severity of the situation IS necessary just as alerting the church is because of her position of authority. Around here we tend to advise "tell the OP's spouse". Well, in this case, the "spouse" is the PARENTS. They need to know and it would be better coming from the poster because the absolute last thing he needs is to have the authorities come knocking on his door with an arrest warrant for his wife, and an "Oh, by the way, we need you to come downtown because we have some questions for you too Mr. ItsNotYouItsMe".

eta: INYIM - I apologize for my strong opinion on this subject. I attribute it to 2 things: 1. When I was in high school I had a teacher try to have a "relationship" with me. He crossed several lines but at that time, all he got for his behavior was a *lecture* from the principal. Today his ass would be arrested and prosecuted for sticking his tongue down my throat the way he did. 2. My BFF's son was misled in the exact same way your wife has behaved with this boy. The result of that is a child that my BFF is now raising because her son is not equipped to be a parent and the "teacher" already had 3 children that she lost custody of because she had multiple affairs on her husband. So again, I apologize. There is a reason for my passion on this subject but I did not intend to go on a tear on your thread. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you will find your way through this mess.

[This message edited by Chicky at 12:51 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
HurtButHopeful?
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Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Expose, expose, expose. Let the chits fall where they may. The boy is not a child, he is a teenage boy with crazy hormones. There was a day when he would be M by now and out of his parents' house.

Because of modern laws, he is legally still considered a minor, and under his parents' protection, so the parents are the equivalent of the WS, and INYM needs to make sure they know everything.

Also because of legal reasons, the pastor needs to know, in case he wants to get a lawyer to protect the church from being sued.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
ThoughtIKnewYa
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Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is going to suck to hear, but I very much doubt they were never physical.
I hate to say it, but I have to agree. We have a saying here: Time + Opportunity = Trouble. She spent time alone with both of the APs that you know about and I can't think that there was nothing physical. I KNOW you don't want to think that. NONE of us wanted to think that. In my case, my H had an A at 37 with a 19 year-old. I got the whole "just friends", we just talked, I could have never done anything with her because of her age, etc. My H got cancer 'down there' from the HPV he contracted from her. (I am still free and clear of STDs, miraculously). It was absolutely as bad as I had feared- a full-on physical affair defiling places I NEVER thought he would.

Now, as crazy as the age difference was in that A, she WAS of legal age. If some 33 year old man was messing with MY daughter at 16... I would want to see him registered as a predatory (using the youth group as an 'in') sex offender. And I would personally serve him his A$$ on a platter.

I'm sorry, but your wife is an adulteress and she's been having a "relationship" with a boy. A BOY. She has betrayed you, herself, her religion...

Even if you can't stand to think it was physical, I implore you to seek STD testing ASAP because it DOES happen. We have a member who found out about her H's cheating when she contracted HIV. Many other innocent people who will have to live with STDs for the rest of their lives, through no fault of their own. Some won't be so lucky as to LIVE with them.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sorry you are here. Just know that you have found the best place no one ever wanted to be. This is a very supportive community and I'd like to welcome you. Big hugs to you, hang in there, please keep posting because we've all been through betrayal and we can help you get through this.


Posts: 11750 | Registered: Mar 2008
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chicky,

It's very sad what you went through. But I stand by what I initially said, he should see a lawyer first to see his legal obligations, and/maybe/or how he can legally tell the parents without risking his own and his childrens' wellbeing. If it is viewed as a heinous crime (which I believe it should too) then he needs to be careful

INYIM: I hope you're okay, one of the best parts of SI is that you have a range of opinions. I hope you are taking care of yourself, your children and remembering that you are in no way responsible for your wife's actions.

I'm really concerned about you


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
hotcoffee
♂ Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Lauren and HMH. please stay INYIM. You are in tough situation and can get help here. The attacks on your wife, although understandable, are not whar you need right now. I feel for you man.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
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