Topic: Best advice your MC gave you?
Member # 9918
| Posted: 9:26 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013|
My IC asked me that if W had another A would I be prepared ... that resonated with me ... that pushed me to count on W less - to depend on me more.
Posts: 1903 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
Member # 24643
| Posted: 2:53 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway
Posts: 2014 | Registered: Jun 2009
♀ New Member
Member # 40612
| Posted: 6:26 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
This thread is great. We've only had one session so far... MC told my WH that he needed to realize that even though he felt better not hiding things anymore and having this off his chest, now I was the one having to live with it and the exact opposite was going on for me.
Me BW early 20's
Him WH early 20's
D-day July 2013
No children. Married less than a year.
Unsure what the future holds.
Posts: 24 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 37439
| Posted: 11:31 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
movingbackwards: that's very true. I think my wh struggled with that concept in the beginning as well
OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.
Posts: 806 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 39996
| Posted: 11:46 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013|
I too fell C's get a bit of a bad rap and I also worry for those who chose not to get professional help at all. Are those people really going to be able to get to the very bottom of the pile of crap, exactly where you need to get to before you can start to climb???
I am so glad I let my H chose the C and I am glad that this C has been such an incredible part of our journey.not pushy, no homework, he expects us to work it out on our own when we feel we can. We respected him for that. It made us feel he wasn't hosing us in our time of need. He remains a good friend and trusted advisor to both of us. We text and email updates which he shares with us. We wouldn't be here today without him.
Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Member # 39162
| Posted: 6:03 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013|
He was a wonderful MC, I'm sure we wouldn't be in happy R without his input. Two main things he told us-first my husband had to be honest with me about the affair ans associated porn and chat websites. That took him a while to grasp, but I think we've trawled through the worst of it.Second,for us to move on we had to learn to communicate better. He pointed out how discussions and arguments,to do with the affair or anything else, tended to end up going round in circles or end up as point scoring excercises,and how damaging this was-basically we had to learn to really listen to and acknowledge each other's views (whilst not necessarily agreeing with them),and if our talks ever got too heated or circular one of us had to put a stop to it and take time out. Best advice I've ever had
Posts: 80 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Member # 34478
| Posted: 10:30 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013|
Not so much advice as a comment.
When we started MC, first session, I told the story of what has been going on. He asked a few follow up questions about the M in general. Then he turned to me and said, "Wert, this doesn't seem to have much to do with you does it?"
At the time I was all taken aback because you know, I WAS WRONGED! In retrospect I know what he was saying. This wasn't on me and wasn't' my problem to fix. It wasn't and it's not.
By the second MC session I figure that out and once I really accepted that fact I have been pretty darn good ever since. Now its just a matter of evaluating her progress behavior and determining if I want the M anymore. I do and she is doing pretty well. She still struggles with how she messed up, but she is talking to me better than she ever has.
For us MC didn't start for many months after d-day maybe 9 or so. I think that is a good thing. I think there is a real danger in going to MC right away. It sends the message that the A is a M problem and not a personal one.
You know how you get anywhere? One step at a time. There is no other way.
Posts: 1268 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 40547
| Posted: 11:51 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013|
this is such a great thread! It is helping me. Best advise? If you know the good wolf bad wolf story...don't believe ANYTHING the bad wolf tells you.
Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 54
Him: WS 61
Married 31 yrs.
Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 40654
| Posted: 12:58 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013|
Conflict avoidance was a major part of my standard operating procedures. I grew up in one of those houses where emotions were not discussed and everybody was happy (or expected to be). I never saw my parents argue or disagree about anything.
Needless to say, DDay brought to light more conflict than I had ever seen or dealt with in my entire life. Repeatedly, my IC (our MC) would ask me, "What is the worst that could happen?" Thinking about the answer to this question helped me put things in perspective, helped me stop avoiding conflict quite so much. I am far less likely to swallow emotions and avoid conflicts with BH now, but I still have to work at finding the umpf for confrontations with other people.
I compare our MC to an ICU doctor who saved us when our relationship was on life support. We're still in therapy, but stronger than we were then.
[This message edited by Neznayou at 12:59 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]
Failure is the compost in which we grow success.
Posts: 72 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Germany
Member # 31240
| Posted: 12:10 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013|
Late to this party, but...
when I feel devastated by something my W has done or said, our MC helps me hear the internal messages I've generated. Then I can turn the messages off. It's easier said than done, but it works.
My W just accused me of using her. In truth, I have to work very hard to prevent myself from using her, so that accusation really hits home. I hear her accusation and beat myself up with it and feel absolutely awful.
One good counter-message is, 'Wanting is different from doing. You do a good job of not using her, and you're not using her in this instance. Relax - you're OK.'
Of course, sometimes I find I am using her. Then I do my best to accept responsibility. stop, make amends, and move on.
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:12 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]
FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 40+
DDay - 12/2010
2.5 years out, feeling human again, and feeling good, bad, indifferent at different times
Posts: 7508 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 39670
| Posted: 12:30 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013|
MC looked at him and said, "There is nothing wrong with you other than being a selfish jerk who does exactly what you want to do at any given time. If you want to quit lying, TELL THE TRUTH. If you want to stop hurting your wife, STOP HURTING YOUR WIFE. Stop doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain and destruction."
Would love someone to tell WH this.
Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13
Posts: 617 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 40078
| Posted: 1:13 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013|
Thanks lauren123. for starting this thread.
D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?
Posts: 165 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
|Topic Posts: 52|