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Newest Member: Heartbreaker1999 (45457)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What should I expect?
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I filed for D, my WH was very angry. We have been to court and the judge extended the Protection Order to one year and WH is not allowed visitation with the kids until the District Court makes a decision on visitation.

In turn, my WH files for Full Custody of children, full custody of property, child support, alimony...

We went to temporary hearing on Tuesday. He is claiming to be the primary caregiver since for the last couple of years he was too drunk to work and stayed home. His affidavits were worthless. The judge has taken it under advisement and we are awaiting his orders.

What normally happens in these cases?

Even with the NC Protection Order, H still trys to talk to me through the kids, my brother, and asks the kids to hand me the phone or for me to call him. He also told my brother that I need to drop the PO or he will get me fired from my job. (ummm...how?)NO WAY!!

Also, from what my IC tells me and she was our MC and his IC also. He is not only an alcoholic (which he now says he "was"), he is NPD with sociopathic behavior.

How was I so flippin' blind?

Does this ever get better, or is this a NC forever and he will now be crazy mean to me for life.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only way it gets "better" with an NPD is when they move on to another target.

If you haven't been there already, be sure to check out the NPD thread in the I Can Relate forum. The Tribe there will be a fabulous resource for dealing with your STBXH, especially during the D phase.

Big hugs, honey.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25848 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are ways to work with NPD people, besides what NIK said. It's some of the most difficult conversations I've had in my life because I have to plan them word for word, but it can be done, believe it or not.

And yes, like NIK says, eventually they tire of a person and find another.

One way I proceed, because we are tied by children, is to choose my answers or points of conversation carefully and when you can be open ended, it's wise. I sometimes do this with DD, who is entering puberty and dealing with the loss of her father every day from what he did, so it helps there too, and she has signs of some NPD there also.

Anyway...the gist of it to never, ever demand and also never, ever show feelings. If you have emotions, wait until they pass to be in contact, for a true NPD person will never forget the emotional part and may hold it against you...as Nearly Exh does.

The other part of this part of it is to be open-ended in response. By that I mean, when you reply or have a question or need something answered, I've learned I get further by giving a kind of multiple choice question. Then, it's his choice in how he replies and he can feel he has some control in his part of whatever, which is part of the NPD game. If you give yes or no replies or "it has to be this ways", over time this builds resentment and doesn't lead to anything good-often shut down.

This is one of my favorite subjects and though I am no counselor, the two I've had said these are good methods. It's kept drama down and gotten us past issues more quickly. He said once, too, "You've changed". I haven't really, but I've changed how I interact with him and play almost a little game with him. I've known him a long time and can generally peg his answers ahead of time, but this is a way to be amicable with NPD that took a while to learn.

I have several other relatives with it and this works there, as well as turning the conversation to them if it gets too personal or difficult.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 1:58 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In trying to respond quickly, I was focusing on him - there is no point in hoping HE will get better. But Ashland is absolutely right - there are some ways of dealing with NPD that will get better results than others.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25848 | Registered: Aug 2011
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't forget to document each and every time he tries to break the NC order and give that log book to your lawyer. Date, time, method (communication thru children, etc.). The judge will not be impressed by his trying to get around the order AND by him involving the children in doing so.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 5

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