Topic: Was it worth it in the end?
Member # 31240
| Posted: 11:47 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
Still a work in progress for us.
IMO, the choice is R, rugsweep, or D. I'm very happy I chose R over the other 2. But that's probably because my W has consistently worked for R, even though she hasn't healed herself yet - 2 people committed to R have a very good chance of making it.
fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.
Posts: 10094 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 36070
| Posted: 12:24 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
So far YES!!! There have been no major slip ups on his part and he is truly sorry for what he has done to us and me.
And luckily I love him as mug as I always did....otherwise the little stuff wouldn't hurt or aggravate me.
Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
Affair lasted 6 months
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation
Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 6864
| Posted: 12:41 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
Almost nine years out
and the answer is yes, yes and YES!!
We have never been happier or closer in the 29 years we've been together.
♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥
Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Member # 36317
| Posted: 3:09 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
Thus far I'd say yes. We're only 16 months out but life has been getting progressively better. I'm a better person in many respects and my wife is literally changing into a wholly better person before my eyes (which has been an "issue" for me to accept at times).
I can't give a resounding yes though. Too many negative feelings, too much sadness and just the knowledge of this shit being real. It sucks. In time I hope those feelings continue to subside and I can be more positive in my "yes."
I see a bright future for us. One I'm sure where I'll just see this as "the bad chapter of our life." I do not regret choosing to reconcile at all. I would be worse off had I chosen divorce (rugsweeping just not being possible with my personality).
Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012
Surrender to the truth of life.
Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Member # 34040
| Posted: 3:26 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
Two years out, and absolutely yes. We have had some really tough times, worked (and continue to work) together and seperately through some hard issues, but we've never been closer, and I feel like we're solid. On DDay I almost walked out for good, no looking back, and I'm really glad I stayed instead. It was a tough road, but it's ended up being the right one.
Me: BW, 34
Him: WS, 39
D-day June 15, 2011
Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 15902
| Posted: 10:43 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
Definitely worth it. We are 6+ years out and happily reconciled. I have no regrets with the choice to R.
Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
Posts: 5654 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 26854
| Posted: 11:35 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013|
Unequivocally, yes. However he will always be the husband that cheated on me. I can't get that fact out of my head. Kind of sad!
DDay - 11/4/09
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal
Posts: 1440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
♀ New Member
Member # 38732
| Posted: 8:25 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013|
I hate that it took an affair to wake us up to how much we took each other for granted and how pisspoor our communication was. We've never been closer, more open and vulnerable, or more appreciative of each other than we are now. Not even when we dated. We are still a work in progress but we are headed down a good path and we are recommitted to our marriage.
Reconciliation was definitely the right choice for us.
Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates
I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
Member # 3703
| Posted: 8:26 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013|
For me, no. We R for 6 years until I caught him in another affair.
I regret not leaving after the 1st affair. And I wonder how many there were in between that I DIDN'T find out about.
D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 24786
| Posted: 11:24 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013|
Yes...... but no.
I have a life I never thought possible even before his A so in that respect I have to say yes. The fact FWH tries every single day to make up for his A helps as I get to see his remorse and actions on an hour by hour basis. And I have never regretted R.
But there will always be a teeny tiny part of me that thinks about where I'd be in my life now if I'd just bailed and D him as sometimes I do still look at him and see the man who had sex with another for almost 3 years and that hurts still.
BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć
Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jul 2009
Member # 19408
| Posted: 4:18 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013|
As horaliar posted on page 1, we are together for the sake of the kids. I wanted her out of the house and my life after DD#1, and I do today. But what is best for me isn't what my kids need.
Now before I get jumped on here let me say that I know the kids would prefer to come from a broken home than live in one. I know they are learning by example what marriage looks like, and it's not always what I want them to learn.
But all things being equal, I think staying together, their mother pretending nothing bad ever happened and their father just being a great father and sharing a home with their mother is better than them losing their home, splitting time between a mom and dad in two separate places and such.
So, it's not what I want out of life, but it's probably the best option for my kids.
Posts: 68 | Registered: May 2008
Member # 34941
| Posted: 4:33 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013|
I consider our reconciliation still a work in progress.
I don't for a second regret my decision to heal within my marriage. To fight for my family life and to actively be a part of maintaining an environment that also supports my husband to heal and take his journey (with me by his side).
It is difficult to imagine what you don't know. But I believe at with retropect and introspect that if I discovered further infidelity (either future or past) I might or might not leave. However, I still would not regret my choice to stay nearly 20 months ago.
For some of the same reasons I decided to stay.
I took an educated risk (and intuitive one) that what we shared was real and worth the risk of 'failing'.
Our children deserved to see what we had was worth both of us striving to be better people and fight for our family.
My daughters have watched me work my way back to dignity and compassion. Initially my pain stripped so much of that from me. I made choices to act out of my anger rather than move through. I couldn't allow that to be the mark of the end of of our family life as they know it.
These reasons were and are in the context of a husband who was showing me that he was remorseful. Put his eyes on his family.
I only know what I know. I don't regret my choice now, even on tougher days I don't regret my choice to reconcile and heal within this marriage.
If in the future I need to make a different decision, I hope I can move through my pain day by day and look forward.
BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"
Posts: 634 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 33438
| Posted: 5:00 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013|
5 1/2 yrs post Dday that my husband was a serial cheater.
------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt
Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
|Topic Posts: 33|