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User Topic: OW emailed ME!
changedforlife
♀ Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surprise! An email for me from the OW. I thought from the subject line that it might have been an automatic form type email sent by mistake so I opened it...and then there was no going back. I read it all.

Now, I don't know what to do about telling my WH. I feel like I shouldn't keep it from him but I am also fearful that he would justify contacting her to tell her not to contact me again and start the "breaking NC" cycle all over again. I believe he has not been in contact with her for the last month but I also believed he wasn't in contact with her for the 6 months we were supposed to be in R, too, so what do I know?!

I soooooo want to send one back to her and tell her what I think of her but I know that most here believe that silence is the best response. Should I get a lawyer to draft a letter to request no further contact or face legal repercussions? (This is the 2nd email I have received from her.)

I am including the email so that you all can help me change the message I hear in my mind when I think of what she wrote. My birthday is coming up and I need the day to be about me.

Happy Birthday wishes changedforlife. I know it is on Aug xx, but hey.

I am so beyond all the drama and the hurt this has caused. I am in a good place though actually. I am very strong. You see, BH has never wanted me or our marriage for years. When this blew up 6 months ago his last text and words to me to me at the end of April was that I was considered extra baggage and he was not sure if he wanted to "carry me around any more." We have not spoken about it since. Just exist in a 5000 square foot house and raise our two beautiful children. We never talk, never have. Thanks to you and your recent email that push was the end of that. Is that what you were hoping to accomplish changedforlife? Me divorced?? Congrats!!! Mission accomplished! I just wish it was us that decided and not your crummy interference AGAIN!!

Instead of playing the poor innocent victim and looking for blame elsewhere within your own relationship...why don't you look at yourself first???!!! Figure out why he turns to "me" EVERY single time! What is it you do not provide that I do? Something he craves. Time and time and time again for YEARS!!!!! He HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE TO REACH OUT and SEEK ME FIRST!! REPEATEDLY!! He has gone behind your back. Betrayed you and your trust. Not sure what WH has lied about to you this time...but I suspect he will do anything to save his own ASS again!!!! Each and every time we said goodbye...and there were MANY times...he would KEEP coming back. Tie my heart on a string. Every single business trip he took this year...he would run to an airport and plug in to find me. Continuously creating new email and fake accounts. Calling me on calling apps from his laptop or cell. Same as texting. But mostly from laptop. Easier for him than to worry about erasing threads from his phone. You should be aware every time YOU guys went to marriage counseling he would immediately reach out to me when he got back to the office!! Sure he did feel guilt. But he still did it. He even had me take some personality couple test that you guys took. To see what kind of match I would be. You are "act of service." He has always told me throughout the year and including an email in early July that I own his heart. That he has never connected to you emotionally before in 20 plus years. But your counsellor insists you try. He had no idea where to start? You own his head. But his head always wins the battle. Congrats! Is that a satisfying fulfilling love you want to maintain? He has lied to both of us, on many occasions.


How can you give him so many chances? Such repeated betrayal? I figured he was using me the last couple of months. He would text things on that twitter account to make himself look good. To hurt me. But would say other things to me in person. Things to get to my heart. So I wouldn't go away. I fell for it. That is emotional abuse. He took advantage of me. CLEARLY the problem is within the two of you. Leave me alone please. Leave BH alone too. I think we all just want to move on and find peace.

OW

[This message edited by changedforlife at 9:48 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
imagoodwitch
♀ Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Show it to your WS.

Then lawyer up.

It's bullshit how she is portraying herself as the victim.

(((changed))))

Sorry if I'm coming across as abrasive but shit like that really chaps my butt.

None of this is your fault, fault sits squarely on your WS and OW shoulders.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5332 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second that. lawyer up.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you own any rabbits, I wouldn't leave them outside the next time you leave the house. Geez.

IGNORE.

She wants you to tell him about this because she's angry that he's NCing her and you are a new way to try to trigger him. That's how I read it.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 10:01 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wish it was us that decided and not your crummy interference AGAIN!!

Oh, shame on you, changedforlife! "Interfering" with their affair!

I swear... you'd think I'd be done being surprised by some peoples' stupidity, but then somebody raises the bar.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
changedforlife
♀ Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your quick responses! I needed that!

I would love to have a lawyer send her a letter so I am going to look into that.

Phantom Limb - No rabbits thankfully, but I will keep a close eye on my cat!
And your take on it possibly being a fishing expedition is what I am scared of!

krazy8516 - If I wasn't living it I don't think I could believe the idiotic things that I have read and seen!

[This message edited by changedforlife at 10:31 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just another example of an AP who can't take responsibility for their CHOICE to participate in an affair. Letter also is an example that she is a nutter...people like this always sound ok in the beginning but as time goes on, people start to notice they are totally nuts.
I say ignore the letter but definitely show it to your H and discuss it.

My SAWH just told me when he ended it for good (finally) a few months ago, she was very upset and told him she feels like she wasted 2.5 years on him. I asked him if she new he was married and he said yes. I said "you actually feel sorry feel empathy for someone who can't take responsibility for their choice to be in an affair with a married man?"


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she's trying to get you to put him out. Don't fall for it, don't respond to her. She gets NOTHING from you! It'll drive her nuts!

Posts: 11601 | Registered: Mar 2008
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi changedforlife

Honey, please don't misinterpret me, but I have to say when I read her email I laughed. I really did. I laughed. The woman is an idiot!!!

The highlights for me:

She demands that you leave her and her BH alone and yet raves about constantly interfering in YOUR marriage

She blames YOU for the problems in your M (and hers) and then says that she and her BH haven't communicated for years. (probably because she was too focussed on your H rather than her own.

The woman is nuts!!!

Sweetie, please don't respond to her. You can't fix stupid, you can't cure this dreadful illness. The sickness destroys logic and eats away at rational thought. She is incurable.

Talking (or writing) to her would be like communicating with a slug. (I'm told they are one of the organisms with the smallest brains relative to body size)

You can't reason with stupid. Stupid people exist. It's sad but true.

I am 3 years out with a FWH but in my position I would show the email to my FWH. I would sadly have to point out the stupidity in her ravings as sadly he suffers from the same disease. But then again if I follow my own advice I suppose I wouldn't - you can't cure stupid. They just don't get it.

So. What to do???

Is that what you were hoping to accomplish changedforlife? Me divorced?? Congrats!!! Mission accomplished!

Celebrate!!!

The stupid bitch is suffering and desperate and apparently alone.

But of course none of it was her fault

I wouldn't show my FWH. I also wouldn't reply. I would print it out, hide it away and read it and gloat from time to time.

But that's me and I'm a vindictive bitch!

HUGS

Laura

ETA

I swear... you'd think I'd be done being surprised by some peoples' stupidity, but then somebody raises the bar

Krazy: I love it!!!

[This message edited by Laura28 at 11:11 PM, August 16th (Friday)]


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2744 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
disillusioned12
♀ Member
Member # 37542
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. The craziness is oozing off that one. I think she's fishing and trying to stir up more drama. She strikes me as one starving for attention. She clearly isn't in her right mind as the entire email is one contradiction after another. I say crickets to her.

Can you block her email or have it automatically sent to your spam folder?


BS (Me)
WS (STBXH)
Married 2 yrs; Together 6 yrs

D-Day 11/14/12
EA(PA?)
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold


Posts: 228 | Registered: Nov 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok #1 she's a bitch #2..I think of my ws ow would write a letter, it would be similar, except she's D. This kind of triggered me because what she said about how he keeps seeking her even when.they try to end it..ughh that hit close to home but anyway my take is...she's trying to make you doubt your ws, trying to stir up insecurities in you because, she wants you to kick his ass to the curb so she can have him. Oh yea, that victim card she's pulling..pathetic...eff that bitch!!

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:17 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4919 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Show it to your husband so he can see what kind of crazy he brought into your life.

But, for her, silence. She's sitting back waiting for a response, any response. She wouldn't have written all that drivel if she wasn't looking for something. Let her sit and wonder whether you read it or just deleted it.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4033 | Registered: Sep 2005
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura just nailed it:

She blames YOU for the problems in your M (and hers) and then says that she and her BH haven't communicated for years. (probably because she was too focussed on your H rather than her own.

With this level of blameshift, self entitlement and delusion, communicating with her would be absolutely pointless changed. She won't be owning anything. I think your husband has cut off communication with her because she's now stopped defending him and started to blame him too. Anyone but her, right?


Personally, I'd show your husband the message - if only to show him how she's gone from validating him and blaming you for everything to blaming you AND him for everything instead.


Him seeing that just might give him an insight he hasn't known about her before and wake him up a bit. Sure, it is a risk, but I'd risk it frankly, because presumably up until now he's only gotten validation from her, and if seeing this makes him get back in touch with her - then he's as lost as she is and you're better off knowing it now than having another false R.


But for her? CRICKETS you can see from this message that being ignored is what gets to her the most. Just look how she's reacted to it.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok #1 she's a bitch #2..I think of my ws ow would write a letter, it would be similar, except she's D. This kind of triggered me because what she said about how he keeps seeking her even when.they try to end it..ughh that hit close to home but anyway my take is...she's trying to make you doubt your ws, trying to stir up insecurities in you because, she wants you to kick his ass to the curb so she can have him. Oh yea, that victim card she's pulling..pathetic...eff that bitch!!

Yep totally agree. I'm triggered by it too. MOW in our case I believe is truly an evil person, a sociopath. For someone to say things like that to another whom they helped hurt, well that is just a fucked up individual.

I have told my WH on at least 10 occasions to just leave and stay with her. I have told her on 3 occasions to pick up his shit. Neither one of them would make a move to be together. I just scratch my head most days.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a line from the film Dangerous Liaisons by Glen Close's character (yes, Bunny Boiler) where she says:

When one woman strikes at the heart of another she seldom misses, and the wound is invariably fatal.

I would lawyer up. I'd tell your WH and tell him this doesn't change NC. If he breaks it then you have your answer and you need to work out what the consequences would be.

I don't doubt she is lying but she is not lying about everything. That's not the issue - whether or not you are in real R and your WH is truly remorseful she is simply being a vengeful, scary bitch and you should treat her as such.

If you are in False R you will know it soon enough - she is not your problem in that regard, he is.

She is doing what many of us BS's have done - contacted you to tell you how awful he is so you leave him alone and he will stay with her. I said many of the same things to OWUglyIndian in the days after DD. It is a desperate move by a desperate wounded animal. Notwithstanding the fact that her injury was self-inflicted whereas she and your WH injured you. In her mind she is the woman scorned. Her words reek of it.

Do not respond. Lawyer up. Decide what you'll do if your WH breaks NC for this or any other ridiculous reason.

DO NOT let her get to you. Protect yourself but do not look to her for answers. Look inside yourself and at your WHs actions. Not his pretty words but his ACTIONS.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5533 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting she refers to her own marriage as existing in silence after her husband referred to her as baggage he would no longer carry while turning around and berating you as a woman who cant take care of her own man.

She blames you for her impending divorce which is transpiring because you informed her husband she was betraying her own marriage.

Yes of course he kept going to her. She played the whore and thats what wh wanted...a whore.

I agree, send the letter to your lawyer and let him/her shut ow up.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8212 | Registered: Sep 2007
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd show it to your WH and tell him that if he wants a woman who will attack a person she already helped devastate, if he wants a cheating blame shifter, then he's welcome to her. That if he decides he's does want her and he's not man enough to do it openly and you find out he's lied about R and started the A up again, he can count on being blindsided just like you have been.

If he wants a woman who tries to love, work through pain and betrayal, who has been faithful despite being in a painful, ego-breaking M...then he needs to man up and show a united front. He needs to only respond to this by your side, seeking legal avenues if you so choose. He needs to throw her under the bus and never look back.

If he can't, he needs to get the hell out of your way so you can move on and find someone who won't be a dog returning to its vomit.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11131 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we all agree this bitch is nuts. But sometimes you need to read between the lines. I'd say that some of what she has told you is most likely true. Her words are full of blame shifting and deflection. But I tend to believe that the shit about your WH is factual. Misery loves company and that's what she is looking for. She fucked up her life and now wants you and your WH to be in the same boat. Yet you better confront your WH about what she is claiming. If what she is saying is true you might want to reconsider R. From my personal experience I've found that a WS will do whatever they can to get the heat off themselves. Including throwing the OP under a bus. They will try and get on your good side by making the AP the problem. Therefore using them as a way of allying with you on common territory. A WS will bad mouth the AP to you only to sneak around and break NC. Protect yourself against the OW. But keep a keen eye on your WH as well.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5607 | Registered: Nov 2007
Area2
♀ Member
Member # 37797
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She wants you to involve WH hoping to restart communication. Don't reply to her and I wouldn't tell WH right away. I would keep that email in a safe place and rejoice that I've been able to get in her head and cause her anguish. But NC since she's clearly delusional and looking for a confrontation.


Me: BW 50's
Him: WH 60ish
Married all my adult life
LTA, in limbo re: R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Eastern seaboard
changedforlife
♀ Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone for the advice. I read and re-read each one and thought a lot about what to do.

I decided to show my WH the email. I am a terrible liar and I was having a terrible day because of the email so I decided I needed to share it with him. I also believe that if this is a catalyst for him to contact her again then it is better to find out sooner rather than later.

I have a difficult time speaking when I am upset and I often forget things that I wanted to say so I forwarded him the email and I made it clear what my boundaries were regarding no contact.

I then asked him to read the email and he did and he apologized again. I told him that if she should attempt to contact him (which I suspect might happen when she gets no response from me) then I will be contacting a lawyer to send her a letter.

So that is the last 3 birthdays that have been ruined in my memory because of her and WH. At least she gave me the gift of knowing that she might be experiencing a little karma.


Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 33
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