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User Topic: What to do?
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if you're telling him that you want to be married to him but not without a third person involved, that's not really minor, is it? This is the cognitive dissonance in action. It's causing a negative bias in your assessment of your BS's reaction to being in a pretty terrible situation that has struck at the core of his sense of self. Your empathy for what he has been going through the last year is numbed.

I too questioned whether I would be able to participate fully in my marriage, whether I would mourn in silence for my OM while putting on a brave face and trying to revive the marriage. I found this site 3 days after my last voluntary contact with AP. I read Not Just Friends the next week and reading here and reading that book I began to see myself. And thinking oh, God. This was a garden variety affair.

It still took me a long time to sort out the emotional attachment. I could not have done that without going NC. It might not sound believable to you right now but what I found is that there is a difference between OM the person and the feelings I associated with him. When my reality testing got better, I was able to see that we were not really treating each other in a loving manner. He was getting his emotional boost and I was getting mine. The intensity of feelings does not necessarily make them valid or wholesome.

I get that you are fearful to forgo those feelings that you associate with OM but it's the only way your head will ever be able to clear from this. Every time you contact him or envision a future of which he might be a part you get another boost and reinforce the neural connections that are literally causing you to have thoughts and beliefs that support continuing the supply.

I didn't get all this out of the gate. It was 9 months before I sent a formal NC letter. The brain rewiring project is a long term one, regardless of how quickly you figure out that you need to do it. But it CAN be done. Keep reading and posting.

Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you see your husband's insistence on marriage not including "your friend" as needy? It's a very valid boundary and one you both should share. The needy person here is you. You require someone you hardly really know to remain in your life to write sexually charged "poetry" to one another as your husband is forced into role of eavesdropper in order to be happy in your marriage. You need "your friend" so much you doubt you can be happy in your marriage without him. Please explain how anyone should be ok with that arrangement. Would you be?

The OM is not filling a big hole. He's distracting you from finding out why you feel you have a hole and learning to fill that on your own. 

This was not a blip. You're entire post is dripping with total lack of awareness and emotional maturity. He hasn't forgotten who you are. He's finding out who you are and having difficulty believing it. Very understandable and valid. You are not a safe person for him, yourself, anyone. You think his wife should accept her husband filling your hole? That whole concept is obscene, and not just because of how it sounds. 

Your husband is hurt. 

Your husband reading your txts is not snooping. Marriage isn't a "need to know" institution where one spouse decides what the other needs to know. Doesn't work well that way. 

I hope your husband is getting the support he needs. Let him go and leave the other poor woman's husband alone. Start looking at yourself. Learn how to deal with your holes, your thought processes, your coping skills. Learn to self sooth. You have quite a bit of work ahead of you regardless of whether your marriage survives this "blip" or not. 

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
♂ Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't notice if this was mentioned, and I'm working so I don't really have the time to reread; Have you ever said "I love you" to this man? I know for my BW there was no bigger individual part of my A that caused more pain. I personally don't see any way you can have this man and your husband at this point regardless, but if you ever told him that you love him, it's time to choose him or your husband. It sounds like the only reason, from your posts, that you are still with your H is because being a single mom will be hard. I'm pretty sure that being expected to live with a wife who thinks her boyfriend is more important than her husband is pretty hard, too.

I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with EvolvingSoul - "Read Not Just Friends" by Glass as well as "Emotional Infidelity" by Neuman. They will both make you understand WHY your husband has a right to be concerned.


The OM is not filling a big hole. He's distracting you from finding out why you feel you have a hole and learning to fill that on your own.

He's taking from your husband and you are allowing it, minimizing it and keeping it for selfish reasons.

I went back and reread what you wrote, and you keep taking the OM's side. Your BH is played as the bad guy because he isn't supporting you spending hours (alone) visiting with the OM, exchanging sexual messages. If there really is a WW fog - this is what it looks like.

He hasn't told his wife about it

Why is that? Why are you his 'secret' if there is noting going on? You have obviously talked with the OM about this.

If we're careful and realize that these feelings are in the past we will be fine.

Really? You just said it yourself - "IF" we are careful. That right there shows how close you and the OM have become. He want's to keep you close because you are his mistress - remember, his BW knows NOTHING about you.

I'll be left with no friends ad such an emptiness. My friend fills a big hole left by my choice to give up my career and my interests and be a stay at home mom.

Really? Isn't your husband a friend? Why did you have to give up your interested to be a SAHM? And if you have hours to spend with the OM, maybe you can look into a PT job while the kids are in school? Become a substitute teacher, volunteer at the school - do something.

You have received some amazing feedback from waywards who have been where you are. We understand the 'he's a nice guy' thought, but in all honesty, he isn't a nice guy. He respects no one except his selfish self.

As I said, read 'Emotional Infidelity'. If you can't afford a copy, PM me and I will send you mine.

BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people

Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have decided to remain cautiously optimistic for you. Fingers crossed.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:32 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
♂ Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right... If your H "forces" you to give up someone or something that means a lot to you, you are going to be resentful. And that's the rub here: if you truly loved your husband and wanted to keep him in your life, you would WANT to leave this OM behind, and since you WANT it, there is no resentment. Bottom line really is this: you don't sound like your husband means much to you at all, he is a provider, not a partner. If OM is so special to you, stop being afraid of being a single mom and let your H move on without you. That's just how it needs to be. H or OM. There is really nothing else to discuss.

I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H or OM. There is really nothing else to discuss.

It really is that simple.

Easy, maybe not.

You have a choice. A husband, or a MOM.

You can't have both.

If you don't see this as an EA, why are you on this particular website?

FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think about it this way.. what would you think of your husband if he allowed you to continue this friendship that he deems inappropriate and an obstacle for you two to get closer?

What would you think about a man who doesn't stand strong in what he believes in and voices how he feels about your connection to another man?

Don't see him as needy. This is really unfair of you. See him as a man who loves you and is trying to make you understand this is hurting him.

Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Around November we exchanged a few “sexually charged” texts. My husband found them and exploded. He demanded that I cut off all contact with my friend.

If you are still looking at him like a friend means that you don't get that sexual topics are off limits. I had conversations filled with sexual innuendos with a "friend" as well, but that was BS because friends don't talk to each other like that. Think of it this way, would you have felt comfortable texting to him like that with your husband looking over your shoulder?

I told my husband that those texts meant nothing and they were only like the two of us writing poetry to each other. My husband was not impressed.
This smells like an excuse and downplaying to me and again, I am an expert on the subject.

Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 29
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