I too questioned whether I would be able to participate fully in my marriage, whether I would mourn in silence for my OM while putting on a brave face and trying to revive the marriage. I found this site 3 days after my last voluntary contact with AP. I read Not Just Friends the next week and reading here and reading that book I began to see myself. And thinking oh, God. This was a garden variety affair.
It still took me a long time to sort out the emotional attachment. I could not have done that without going NC. It might not sound believable to you right now but what I found is that there is a difference between OM the person and the feelings I associated with him. When my reality testing got better, I was able to see that we were not really treating each other in a loving manner. He was getting his emotional boost and I was getting mine. The intensity of feelings does not necessarily make them valid or wholesome.
I get that you are fearful to forgo those feelings that you associate with OM but it's the only way your head will ever be able to clear from this. Every time you contact him or envision a future of which he might be a part you get another boost and reinforce the neural connections that are literally causing you to have thoughts and beliefs that support continuing the supply.
I didn't get all this out of the gate. It was 9 months before I sent a formal NC letter. The brain rewiring project is a long term one, regardless of how quickly you figure out that you need to do it. But it CAN be done. Keep reading and posting.
Riding shotgun down the avalanche.
The OM is not filling a big hole. He's distracting you from finding out why you feel you have a hole and learning to fill that on your own.
This was not a blip. You're entire post is dripping with total lack of awareness and emotional maturity. He hasn't forgotten who you are. He's finding out who you are and having difficulty believing it. Very understandable and valid. You are not a safe person for him, yourself, anyone. You think his wife should accept her husband filling your hole? That whole concept is obscene, and not just because of how it sounds.
Your husband is hurt.
Your husband reading your txts is not snooping. Marriage isn't a "need to know" institution where one spouse decides what the other needs to know. Doesn't work well that way.
I hope your husband is getting the support he needs. Let him go and leave the other poor woman's husband alone. Start looking at yourself. Learn how to deal with your holes, your thought processes, your coping skills. Learn to self sooth. You have quite a bit of work ahead of you regardless of whether your marriage survives this "blip" or not.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
This:
He's taking from your husband and you are allowing it, minimizing it and keeping it for selfish reasons.
I went back and reread what you wrote, and you keep taking the OM's side. Your BH is played as the bad guy because he isn't supporting you spending hours (alone) visiting with the OM, exchanging sexual messages. If there really is a WW fog - this is what it looks like.
He hasn't told his wife about it
Why is that? Why are you his 'secret' if there is noting going on? You have obviously talked with the OM about this.
If we're careful and realize that these feelings are in the past we will be fine.
Really? You just said it yourself - "IF" we are careful. That right there shows how close you and the OM have become. He want's to keep you close because you are his mistress - remember, his BW knows NOTHING about you.
I'll be left with no friends ad such an emptiness. My friend fills a big hole left by my choice to give up my career and my interests and be a stay at home mom.
Really? Isn't your husband a friend? Why did you have to give up your interested to be a SAHM? And if you have hours to spend with the OM, maybe you can look into a PT job while the kids are in school? Become a substitute teacher, volunteer at the school - do something.
You have received some amazing feedback from waywards who have been where you are. We understand the 'he's a nice guy' thought, but in all honesty, he isn't a nice guy. He respects no one except his selfish self.
As I said, read 'Emotional Infidelity'. If you can't afford a copy, PM me and I will send you mine.
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:32 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]
H or OM. There is really nothing else to discuss.
It really is that simple.
Easy, maybe not.
You have a choice. A husband, or a MOM.
You can't have both.
If you don't see this as an EA, why are you on this particular website?
"Your secrets keep you sick"
What would you think about a man who doesn't stand strong in what he believes in and voices how he feels about your connection to another man?
Don't see him as needy. This is really unfair of you. See him as a man who loves you and is trying to make you understand this is hurting him.
Around November we exchanged a few “sexually charged” texts. My husband found them and exploded. He demanded that I cut off all contact with my friend.
I told my husband that those texts meant nothing and they were only like the two of us writing poetry to each other. My husband was not impressed.
