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User Topic: Craigslist personals.
Barni
♀ New Member
Member # 40346
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. I just discovered this website this morning and I need some support.

This last Monday, I was lurking on babycenter's Marriage and Relationships board (also how I found this site,) before work... I had about ten minutes before I had to leave and just thought I'd see what was happening over there, as I do about once a week. Well, I saw a post about craigslist cheaters and it just hit me in my gut. Something felt off after reading it. I looked into my husband's email and sure enough, there were responses to 19 different personal ads, soliciting sexual encounters, from back in April of this year. I am devastated.

Husband has had a history of lying to me, minor lies, usually about money. What is really bothersome about his lying is that I've caught him red handed and he'll still continue lying... even making up elaborate stories to go along with the lie.

I confronted him immediately and he swears up and down that he stopped himself before he took it to a physical point. I don't believe him, how can I? I want to more than anything, but I just can't.

Since then, he's been willing to do whatever he can to get us back on track. He installed an app on his phone and the computer that notifies me when he's visited a questionable site (unsure whether CL personals will show up on that.) He's gotten rid of all the porn and not visiting those sites anymore. He's allowing me to have access to his emails and facebook. He's been seeing a therapist for a few months to handle a lot of his own issues that stem from being a child of an alcoholic (FIL went into voluntary rehab for the first time in his life about two months ago and my husband attended a three day intensive family counseling weekend. When he got home, he had come to many realizations about his issues, his family and how they all affect our marriage... so this happened after he had been soliciting sex.) Last night, we attended his therapy session together. His therapist wants to see me individually next week and then we'll have a joint session immediately following. I'm also looking for my own therapist.

I want to work through this. I love my husband and the life we've created. I do not want to break up my family. I just don't know how to move forward right now. I am on the rollercoaster... up and down, up and down. My mind is a mess, I'm so confused, angry, sad, sad, sad. I feel like I'm not enough, like I will never be enough.

I believe my husband has NPD, but that's something we'll have to discuss further in therapy. My FIL has been divorced three times and is on his 7th engagement. Our marriage has survived longer than any of his relationships from start to finish. I know that his life has had a profoundly negative affect on my husband and the way he views women and marriage.

He seems willing to do whatever it takes, but right now, I'm just a mess. I feel stupid for staying. Stupid for not leaving and showing our son how strong his mommy is and that she has more self respect than this. I don't even know what else to say. I want to trust him, but I don't. I want to get back there, but I don't know if I can or how long it will take. I worry that I'll start to trust again and he'll betray me once more.

I guess I just need some support. Not just someone telling me to run away. I don't want to do that, but I'm afraid I should be. :(


BW:32
WH:30
Together: 8 years
Married: 5 years
Children: Boy, 4 years
D Day: 8/12/13

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Wa
kickboxer
♀ Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, and welcome.

It is a punch in the gut...that's a very good description. I'm actually fairly new here as well, but wanted to respond to your post.

My husband also solicited anonymous sex via websites. He deleted everything before I was able to recover anything, so I will probably never know the extent of his infidelity. He has admitted to one ONS (one night stand).

We have three girls together. That means I'm raising daughters...I don't want them to think this is acceptable...I don't want to set an example for them that marriage should hurt like this...I don't want them to see their mother accepting such disgraceful behavior from their father.

No. I don't want those things...but...

I do want to show them that love and commitment are more than just words.

I do want to set an example of hard work and dedication.

I do want them to know how deeply I love their father.

I do want them to see that marriage is not perfect, and it is possible to get through the rough patches.

I do want them to understand that forgiveness is possible, even when it's hard.

It's okay that you want to see your marriage survive. It's okay that you love your husband, despite his betrayal.

Be gentle with yourself. Make sure your eating and getting some sleep...even if it means you need to talk to your doctor about a prescription to help.

Stay strong.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very sorry this has happened to you and your family.

Wonder if your H might be a pathological liar? Knowing this will help in knowing how to handle things going forward and your counselors can help with strategies. I researched the different types of lying quite a bit due to my fWH's cheating. He also responded to Craigslist ads and met one whore who gave us herpes and hpv and turned out to he a stalker.

My fWH used a secret email account. I didn 't find out until it was over. She was blackmailing him and he finally told her things were thru and deleted his email account. She reacted by sending me emails and texts with pics. We have successfully worked our way thru this but it was and is extremely difficult.

This type of lying can be associated with various mental disorders.

Get yourself checked for STDs. Make sure you get tested for herpes and hpv (both can be caught even when condoms are used). Many of these cheaters don't use condoms evidently. Side note: This risk of STDs cheaters expose faithful spouse to is just one reason why I believe adultery should be considered a crime (assault, physical abuse).

Can you tell from his responses whether he met any of them? Also check text history and call history if you can.

[This message edited by whattheh at 12:18 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
blindsided03
♀ Member
Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I can't believe how many other people are going through this CL thing. Are you fucking kidding me?? Like, I thought those were hilarious when I found them! I didn't think people actually USED them. Oh, well, I guess they don't, except my idiot STBXH. I hate that D-bag. I couldn't believe he was so concerned about validating his pathetic emotional state that he didn't consider STDs (bc obv, the whores on CL must just be normal, sexy women who can't find a BF). Like, no normal woman would do that. The ones who do, like one of you mentioned, have STDs. Freaking idiots. The other thing he didn't consider: WHAT IF HE'D GOTTEN ONE OF THESE WHORES PREGNANT?? A baby is forever!! Not only did he not consider my feelings or our marriage, but he was willing to get someone else pregnant!!! I'm so mad and so hurt and the worst thing is I'm so lonely!!!


BW
M6m
Dday(2)8/13
D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Barni
♀ New Member
Member # 40346
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the responses.

Yes, I think he's a pathological liar and I've read up on sociopathic tendencies and he fits many of them. I know he knows he's a pathological liar also and is trying to fix it. I think he came to this realization when he was in the rehab sessions with his father.

He went in for STD testing a few days ago. I almost don't even want to know the results, because stupidly, we have never had him tested, so we really won't know if it's from now or before we were together, although, I was tested when I had our son and was clean, and we regularly have unprotected sex.

I'm disgusted. I close my eyes and can only see the emails. There were never any phone numbers exchanged or meetups discussed, although those emails/texts/conversations could have been deleted, so I really don't know.

In the one email he said he was in a "semi open relationship" and that I "didn't want to hear about it." In another, he wrote in detail what he would do to the recipient. In another, he had a very long conversation with someone, who then directed him to a pay site that he declined, however, he tried to contact her again the next day.

I'm just so disgusted. Heartbroken. Just broken.


BW:32
WH:30
Together: 8 years
Married: 5 years
Children: Boy, 4 years
D Day: 8/12/13

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Wa
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H was doing the same thing. He was always asking me to check his email for work emails, so one day when I did I noticed the email looked different. It then hit me, the only emails in the inbox are from women that I never heard of before, and there were only a few emails. I started looking around, found he hadn't cleaned out his sent folder, and I discovered 1400 emails in his sent folder that he'd sent to people on Craigslist, and a long string of emails he sent to an ex of his.

I read every email over the next few hours. Not once did I see anything that discussed an encounter that had happened, and the only mention of being with anyone was when he told his ex that he had a woman he used to see just for sex, he claimed she was married as well and it was just an arrangement for them to get what they lacked in their marriages.

Fast forward to end of the day on DDay, he confessed to having slept with 3 different women that he met on CL. The woman he told the ex about existed, but it was just a one time thing, not a long term thing like he led her to believe. Why? Because he wanted her to think she was special and he'd only been with one other person during our marriage (because just one makes it ok to fool around?). Anyway, fast forward another 5 months and I find out there was a 4th woman, and he did in fact see this woman 4-5 times over the course of 18 months. However, she wasn't married, and even according to her they only had sex 1 time, the rest were just to pleasure him.

Also, H confessed that the reason I couldn't find any info about his hookups is because after he would actually meet one of them, he would delete every email to and from them, and empty his trash. It was like his way of compartmentalizing it, erasing it from existence so even HE forgot that it ever happened. Out of sight, out of mind. So just because the emails don't indicate any hookups, that really means nothing.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Don't wait for your WH to be tested, you need to be tested as well asap! You need to specifically ask for Herpes (thanks to Craigslist, I now have that as well as H) because they don't test for that unless you ask specifically, you also need to be tested for HPV. HPV causes cervical cancer in women, and throat and oral cancer in men. It can take YEARS after exposure to test positive for it, so you MUST stay on top of your pap's from now on no matter what. I had to have a biopsy to have my test for it, and unfortunately there is no test for men... none!

Eat, drink fluids, get as much rest as you can. And be prepared for wild highs and crazy lows for the next few years of your life. This is a marathon, not a sprint. (((Barni)))


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so sorry you find yourself here. There is an excellent tread about this that I will bump up for you. Trust your instincts and not what he tells you. It took my SAWH a year to admit he had actually had sex with the prostitutes he solicited on CL and backpages. The body count started low and ended up at 45. From what you have put our WH sound very similar in their background. So it is highly possible that your WH is a sex addict, also.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Barni
♀ New Member
Member # 40346
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma, are you trying to work things out? How is it going? Tonight I've decided to stay at my parent's house, alone. WH will be watching our son. I just need time away, to think. I just honestly do not know what I want.

Also, thank you for bumping that thread. I appreciate it. And I appreciate all of the replies and comraderie. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.


BW:32
WH:30
Together: 8 years
Married: 5 years
Children: Boy, 4 years
D Day: 8/12/13

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Wa
Barni
♀ New Member
Member # 40346
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edit: will be staying at my parent's alone... they are out of town.

And yes, I do think he could be a sex addict, but he wouldn't admit to it.

I will say that he said something the other night that made a lot of sense to me.

BG: about 8 months into our relationship, he became very lazy, unmotivated, not going to work, etc, and I gave him the ultimatum to change or I was leaving. I wasn't playing games with yet another man who wasn't ready to grow up. During that time, I started talking to an XBF. He wanted to give it another try, and I seriously contemplated it. A friend kept telling me to meet up with him for coffee or something, but I never did. I decided that I loved my FH and I wanted to see where it would go. I cut ties immediately and we moved forward. A few months later, my friend told my FH about this... for her own selfish reasons. I happened to be out of town for my grandfathers heart surgery and ended up having to fly out within hours of him being moved to recovery. I was terrified of losing him over something that never happened. It never went further than emails... and not even racy emails.

WH reminded me of that a few days ago and told me, "You made the right decision, in the end. You chose me. I fucked up and made a huge mistake, but I made the right decision in the end. I chose you."

It makes sense to me... it made me understand exactly where he's coming from, but I still don't believe him. I honestly completely forgot about that moment in time, because it was so long ago. But, he's right. I DID make the right choice... I'm hoping he did, too.


BW:32
WH:30
Together: 8 years
Married: 5 years
Children: Boy, 4 years
D Day: 8/12/13

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Wa
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Barni, honey, if you were talking about getting together with another man, even if just by email, then you had an emotional affair, or EA yourself. Every A is painful. I'm not saying that your EA made it ok for your WH to have an A as well, but you were both wrong. When you give something that belongs to your significant other to someone else, it is an A. You gave the other man your attention and heart, even if in small doses and even if for a small time.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, we are reconciling and it is finally going well. After a lot of heartache and anger. I am sorry but I disagree with the previous poster. If you and your WH were just dating and you considered getting back with an old boyfriend, that is NOT the same as what your husband is doing. Please read the thread for spouses of SAs and you will understand the great ability of SAs to manipulate and make everything the spouses fault.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Barni
♀ New Member
Member # 40346
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the responses and advice. I truly appreciate it and am so glad I found this website.

I also don't believe what I did was the same thing my WH is doing now. I wasn't considering being with another man, I was considering ending my relationship with my boyfriend altogether and starting over with an ex. However, after my boyfriend (Future Husband) decided to step it up to keep me, I wanted to stay to see if we could make it work, to see if our future could be as bright as I'd hoped, because I loved him.

I'm not excusing my behavior one bit, it was wrong. But, I wasn't soliciting sex, I wasn't trying to cheat on anyone. I would have never taken it that far unless I had split up with my FH first.

I so badly hope that my WH isn't manipulating me. I miss him. I miss the closeness. I miss my friend. Things had been getting better with us, we seemed to be pretty in sync over the past few months, then this happened. I just want to feel something again, because I'm just so numb.


BW:32
WH:30
Together: 8 years
Married: 5 years
Children: Boy, 4 years
D Day: 8/12/13

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Wa
Barni
♀ New Member
Member # 40346
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH was allowing me to text the friend I was with last night (a mutual friend, girl I grew up with) because I left my phone in her car last night when she dropped me off. Found a string of texts between WH and his dad, who I've asked multiple times to not speak about our marriage with... he's abusive, womanizing and disrespectful to me and my marriage.

He had asked WH how he was doing and if he was back to work. WH said yes, that things were mellowing out. FIL said he must have done a lot of "fast talking" and WH responded that he did a little compare and contrast about how I almost "ran out on him" years ago. He told FIL that he went in for an STD test to solidify his innocence and FIL responded back with "Well, did you make her go get a stick shoved up her ding ding? lol" That really bothered me. I let WH know it bothered me (at this point in time, we were actually cuddling on the couch while our son played on the floor with his transformers.)

WH lost all control of his temper, took his phone and smashed it over and over and over on the corner of the table that was sitting between us and our son. He screamed at me. Told me he wouldn't talk to his dad ever again.

I feel like I shouldn't have come home last night. This is all just one big mistake. This marriage feels like a total sham.


BW:32
WH:30
Together: 8 years
Married: 5 years
Children: Boy, 4 years
D Day: 8/12/13

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Wa
Topic Posts: 13

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