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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Advice requested before my head explodes. (warning: swearing)
forced2moveon
♀ Member
Member # 12014
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will Get By,

I'm sorry that you think my opinion is wrong. I was giving you my honest opinion. I've never been one to agree with someone just to make them feel better about their situation or actions. I believe your wrong and should give him back the purse that he bought. The cost or name brand of the purse is irrelevant. If not, you will have a high price to pay for keeping it and that price is called "drama". If you want to pay that high price, enjoy the purse.

[This message edited by forced2moveon at 4:11 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Southern California
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to keep the peace I would have her give it back if she doesn't want it since he is making such a big deal about getting it back. Is this purse really worth all the drama?


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4780 | Registered: Feb 2008
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is everyone so fixated on the bloody bag? It is NOT about the bag. Returning it to him won't stop this bullshit.

Yes it gives him an excuse but let's face it - he'd make up an excuse if he didn't have this one.

Again, I'd rather set my hair alight than wear a bag the sad clown bought but that is not the issue at hand here.

He is being a bully so I understand your reticence - if you bend to this where does it end?

I feel for your DD - she is trying to keep the peace. As they say of you try to make everyone happy no-one ends up happy.

It is NOT OK for her to try to play you against each other but it is very, very common. I'd focus on that rather than Bag-Gate.

She is not the adult here - you two are.

She can appeal all she likes to him - it won't get her anywhere so she will change tact.

He is using all of this as a way to exert control over you. IGNORE HIM.

IMO the issue you need to focus on is what your daughter is doing and what she is learning from both of you out of this.

I keep that in mind whenever a sticky situation like this comes up - I look at what my girls would learn from whichever option I'm considering. It helps me step back and stop
fighting - winning isn't the goal, modelling healthy behaviour is.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5560 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think returning it is a horrible thing to do because....

It sets a precedent. Can you imagine where it goes from here if you give in to escape the drama? Any time he wants something, he creates drama.

If a toddler screams to get a candy bar at the check out line, you buy candy to shut him up. Next time you are in line guess what happens? Don't respond to his bullying. Don't even tell him you gave DD the purse back. Ignore him. She will tell him or she won't. But his accusation has no more bite.


Seriously, the way to deal with a bully (any bully) is not to cave to the unreasonable demands of the bully because they manage to piss you off or make you uncomfortable or threaten you... Unless you want to continue to be pissed off, uncomfortable or threatened. If you don't deal with this type of ex, you have no idea what the dynamic is or what "drama" can even begin to look like with the least encouragement.

One more example. (I think this is complicated by the mother daughter relationship as well) Let's imagine that WGB gave DD diamond earrings. Set in yellow gold. Turns out DD likes silver or white gold, but she doesn't make a big deal out of the earrings. She wears them to dad's house and the OW admires them. DD gives them to OW. What is the advice to WGB now? Does she get to demand the return of the earrings from the OW? Does she berate her DD? Does she email her EX and demand that he return the earrings because that whore has no right to wear earrings that WGB gave to her daughter? It might not feel good. It might smart every time she looks at OW wearing those damn earrings, but everyone would say "take the high road."

Women tend to like what they like and if they don't like it, they give it to someone they know that would. Okay, maybe that is a generalization. I do that. I don't like scented stuff. Bath soaps, scented lotions. I get that stuff at Christmas? It goes to the next woman who comes in my house who I can get to take it home.

This whole thing is NOT about a PURSE. It is about a bully ex who thinks that he has some right to micro manage and inspect every tiny aspect of WGB's life, what she wears, where it came from, what she eats, where she eats. And him getting in the middle of the relationship between a mom and teenage daughters? PUHLEASE. Could he be any more difficult?

Answering his ridiculous claims means he makes more ridiculous claims. Defending any the child care or dinner decisions sends the message that he has the right to ask those questions. He does not.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5824 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This whole thing is NOT about a PURSE. It is about a bully ex who thinks that he has some right to micro manage and inspect every tiny aspect of WGB's life, what she wears, where it came from, what she eats, where she eats. And him getting in the middle of the relationship between a mom and teenage daughters? PUHLEASE. Could he be any more difficult?

Absolutely agree.

Your DD now has the purse. Done.

Now send him a copy of the orders with the appropriate portion highlighted.

One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. He's just being a controlling, ridiculous idiot.

And don't respond on anything to him. What goes on in your home is none of his business.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4528 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UGH, Okay I am a problem child and would likely respond...lol.

I would send him the highlighted portion of the agreement.

Please note that once you give someone a gift it is then their possesion and they are free to do with it as they choose. In fact please return all the time and love I wasted on you, I want it back.

DD called expressing how upset she was with your decision to place the girls in after-school care until 6 pm every day.

I tried leaving them in a box with some crackers and a bit of water but social services suggested this alternative. It has been working quite well and saves a bunch on box fees.

She also said you refused to take them to dinner as it was "not in the budget" after both girls got ready to go out and look forward to their one meal a week out with their mom. "

I appreciate your concern. Please make sure when you speak to DD next that you explain to her that I am on a budget and nights out on hold until you are paying CS fully and regularly.

Okay I know, crickets. Chirp chirp.

It isn't about the purse, it is about him trying to control you. I get it.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey if you are short on cash take the damn purse to the PAWN shop.. You can get $75-100 for it... Is that ghetto?? Hell my friends do it all the time when the're short on cash.....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course it really isn't about the purse.
Although I would give it back and say sweetly OW/NW likes my cast offs...she has you and now the bag I carried.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I would give it back and say sweetly OW/NW likes my cast offs...she has you and now the bag I carried.

GR8Lady, I like your style!!!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH, snap!

Gr8Lady... that might just be worth breaking crickets for!!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5824 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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