[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 1:09 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
Then if the WS never really did do the hard work to R, said they would but did not, the BS also out of fear maybe just rug swept a bit, was just happy that the WS seemed to want to be back and did not want to rock the boat to keep pushing for what they needed, then the WS read maybe one book and did the token 2 or 3 MC/IC type of things, AND a few years later we are back to the same behaviors by all that will implode once again.
The A is the tip of the iceberg as we all know here, if all the other behaviors are not dealt with then it will all still be eroding on the inside.
However, it sticks in my craw that he would be able to tell himself and others that he really tried and was truly sorry, but his mean wife just could not forgive him.
A 2nd A would remove all that. We are all not stupid enough to think that another d-day would not be just as, if not more painful, but I know that I would not fight for the marriage for one single second.
My mom told me that separating from my dad was the hardest thing she ever did (and there was no A). If she hadn't though, they wouldn't have figured out what they really wanted, and what really makes them happy. (they did get back together after about 6 months of working on themselves)
DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner
I did not find SI until after my 2 DDay's, so I did not fully handle it the way I should have at the time. I requested things, but I did not make them deal breakers as I should have. He does know that if he ever does it again, our marriage will be over and I will divorce him and he knows that I don't trust him at all. Hopefully eventually he will be able to win some (not all) of my trust back. I have detached enough that I will not let it surprise or hurt me as bad as it did before and I am getting my ducks in a row should I ever need to end it. I will never let myself be that nieve again. Just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is normal and there are others that feel the same.
As BS, what we all want is just simple confirmation that we've done the right thing. If we've stayed in our marriage, we've done it because we think it is the best thing to do -- but we're never 100% sure ... and we want to be sure. We want to lay down at night, and say, "Yep, I absolutely did the right thing!"
Having stayed with my wife, there are always lingering questions and that little bit of doubt (maybe a lot for some) ... and it's always going to be there to some degree. But ... if she screwed up again, then I could make an easy decision, and at least there'd be some sense of relief that I'd KNOW that I'd done the right thing. I think that's what the original poster might have been getting at.
me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15
Once upon a time, I was of the belief that if my W ever had an A, I would leave. Well, she had an A and I stayed with her. Having her do it again, however, would be completely different because I have fully experienced the pain a BS feels as a result of a cheating spouse. I refuse to experience that pain again, so I would just leave, no questions asked. In fact, I already have my exit plan in place should it happen again. If WW had another A, it would just be so much easier to leave this time and it would clearly be the right thing to do.