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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: need help from the BS's
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the reason I am impatient is because I want to fix things so badly. I want to be able to move back home so we can reconnect and rebuild our marriage, and so I can prove to him that I understand how badly I messed up, but I want to fix it.

Perhaps your H senses this and he does not want to "let" you have this. It is the only small amount of power he has at this time.

For me, my H was pretty bad at holidays and special days with gifts and showing his appreciation of me, etc. The V-day right after d-day he wanted to go all out, but I told him NO, I wanted nothing, not in word or deed. It was the only area I felt I had any control in and to be honest the pain of him finally wanting to be nice to me was just too much to bear. I had already given up so much to R and was working through so much that this was one area I just could not conceed in, it was the straw which would have broken my R back.

All that said, I chose to R right away.

I realize this is a much larger issue that mine was. Also, just as WAL pointed out, just because a BS is still in the home, still acting like a spouse does not mean they are in it fully, so the opposite can be true as well, just because your H is not living with you does not necessarily mean he is out the door. Only he can tell you, just as only you can decide how long to live like this.


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been betrayed 5 times by 5 different women. The first 4 times it was an immediate deal breaker. I'm currently 18 months past D-Day. Probably the first 8 months were very dicey. At that point, I saw true remorse set in and we began to really begin R. She never left however.

Is the other woman still dating your BH? As long as that is occurring, R isn't going to happen.

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico....I did the same thing. I think it was around 8 months I knew I was going to stay. Until then it was constantly in flux.

It doesn't matter if you follow through with the same direction as you started with. The key is you Made a decision. I think those who don't internalize their decisions sit on a dense and spin their wheels. Pick staying or going and work towards that goal. Some start one path and go the other way, some continue down the path they initially chose.

Only you know which path is right for you right now. Whatever feels right stay that course. If you slowly feel the other way, chan peg your course. There are no rules on engagement.......just make sure you engage. Fence sitting waists valuable time that could be spent making you better.


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read this thread, so some of this might be a repetition.

I wanted to R immediately, but I didn't commit to R for 90 days, and in retrospect I wish I had waited longer, even though R has gone about as well as it can from day 1.

What follows (from here to when I say 'end opinions')is opinion only, filled with generalizations, so you'll have use your own judgment, impaired though it probably is:

It sounds like your H may be stuck in feelings of anger, despair, and fear of what you'll do. It also sounds like his IC isn't doing a great job - s/he should be helping your H process his feelings, not pushing him to decide before he's ready.

I'd like your H - and every BS - to think about what he wants in general and what he wants in his M specifically. I think BSes should remember that 'not cheating again' is just one requirement of many.

BSes should talk with their partners to see if they can agree on what the M will be.

BSes shouldn't agree to R unless the WS agrees to go NC, to be transparent, to be honest, and to enter IC with a goal of changing the thoughts and feelings that allowed them to cheat. BSes should also add their own specific requirements as appropriate - my W agreed to initiate sex sometimes, arrange weekly dates, and write me love letters (which she did rarely, but made up for in other ways - I should take the requirement off the books ).

Some people need longer to decide than others do. When I first started I saw recommendations to take at least 3, 6, and 12 months to decide.

I think it's reasonable for his IC to talk with your H about what will allow him to make a decision. I think it's reasonable for you to talk with your H about what will allow him to make a decision.

I think it may be beneficial for you to ask him if he's thought about rebuilding a new M and what that M would be like.

I think it may be beneficial for you to think about what you want in your M and talk about that with your H. If you paint a picture he likes, he may see a reason to make a decision.

Most of all, I think the quickest way for him to get to the point of making a decision is for him to process his feelings of grief, anger, and fear. Once he's really started doing that, I suspect he can start seeing a healthy future for himself, and that will lead naturally to a decision.

End opinions. For now at least....

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:40 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
brainless twit
♀ Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried desperately for R (see timeline in my signature) but it didn't really happen until 5 years after the A and 2 years after the divorce because he wasn't remorseful and didn't make an effort. And now we have just experienced a second A so I may not be the best person to answer. Yet here I am sticking my two cents in.

It's so incredibly scary to try to trust someone who has betrayed you. Especially if there were multiple D-Days, trickle truth, etc. You start questioning everything and you have no idea what's true and what isn't. Half the time I don't even know if I can trust myself on "normal" things like whether grass is actually green - that's what infidelity has done to my ability to trust my own instincts and make conscious choices. Plus I have chronic PTSD as a result of all this, so sometimes my interpretation of reality isn't the best it could be.

All that said, part of the reason we ended up with a second A (not that I blame myself) is because I let fear rule my thoughts and actions. I let XWH move back in too soon and I wasn't ready for the flood of emotions that came with it. Earlier this year I asked him to move out because I couldn't handle the flashbacks and the intense anger I still felt. He started seeing someone else. When I came to my senses and decided I was being an idiot, he opted not to tell me about her - he didn't want to throw away that relationship in case it didn't work out between us. Now I have to live every day knowing that it probably never would have happened if I hadn't kicked him out of the house.

That may seem irrelevant to your situation, but what I'm saying is that it may not be a bad sign that he hasn't let you come back home yet. I know you want to badly, but if he isn't ready, you could end up in a situation like ours, where you go home and things seem fine, then one day he can't handle it and asks you to leave again. My XWH is deeply hurt by what I did and he now has a hard time trusting me not to do it again - it has been almost as bad for him as his cheating has been for me. Seeing the pain I inflicted on him has been awful... If your situation was mine, I would much rather wait until he felt safe. I don't know if this makes a bit of sense but I can kind of understand where your BH is at, and I feel like he's being smart to avoid a mess like the one I created in my own relationship.

"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.

Posts: 1541 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We stopped communicating years ago and I was just trying to hang on for 2 more years for my son. I was questioning if I even still loved my husband. Either way, I always thought I would leave if he cheated. My friends thought I would use this as an excuse to leave. When I found out about his EA, leaving never crossed my mind. In fact, it woke me up and I discovered how much I really love my husband. I knew it wouldn't be easy to fix things and I'm still not sure we can make it through this but I have hope for the first time in years. I have feelings for the first time in years. It hurts and hurts bad but it's better than being numb like I was.

Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
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