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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This should be the final straw... but I'm too weak
showmetheway
♀ Member
Member # 26242
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh how I wish I could be independent, that I could support myself financially, that I didn't have so much to lose....

I wish I had the freedom to walk away... because I'm certain I would.

But I am dependant on my husband, he provides me with a comfortable lifestyle and that, in turn, means that I don't have to burden my family (especially my elderly parents) with worries. They are blissfully unaware of my situation.

But it leaves me trapped...

I rarely post as I try to progress forward and not dwell too much on my FWH's past misdemeanours as we are now 4 years out. I thought we were doing quite well (or have I been kidding myself?) as things have generally been much less turbulent over recent months. That said, I had a major upset in April when he got totally paralytic whilst out with me at our friends' house, scared the hell out of me coz I thought he would die from choking on his vomit after he'd thrown up twice on the bathroom floor - which I then had to clear up! I felt like he'd not shown enough restraint and it demonstrated a lack of respect for me.. so not a good night.

Then I had to post again in June when I had an issue with trust again... http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=499214&HL=26242
After I'd spoken to him about the incident, he assured me that there was no planning involved - it was purely a spur of the moment thing.

So I try and get over these upsets and focus on the here and now, move forward and give him the opportunity to prove to me that he has learned from his mistakes and that he really is a better husband...

Which brings us to a week ago...

He has just taken a new job which involves a lot of foreign travel so whilst he was home for a couple of weeks, he had to go the passport office to obtain a second passport for his work. This involved a train journey of some 40-odd miles which his company would pay for. I said I would not go with him, partly because we didn't really have the money to pay for my train fare and also because I would not be allowed in the passport office with him, so it would have meant me waiting around in an unfamiliar town on my own. I was happy for him to go and sort this on his own while I stayed at home.

Well, to cut a long story short, I got a few strange vibes off him that day - the fact that he didn't phone me at all (which he normally would do). He did reply to my text messages, but they were brief and I was the one who instigated the communication. The content of the messages suggested to me that something was a little amiss. All very subtle, but clues nonetheless.

When he arrived home in the evening, he was a little distant. I just got the feeling that he was hiding something. During my conversation about his day, I asked him if he'd spoken to anyone during the day. He replied "No, only the person in the passport office and some guy on the train." But still I felt there was something he was not telling. He mentioned something about getting on the wrong train and said "We got off." When I questioned him, he assured me that he had said "I got off" implying that I was imagining things or making things up!!!

When I questioned him again about who he'd spoken to he said, "Oh, come to think of it, there was someone else." He explained that whilst he was trying to find the passport office, he asked directions from some builders and a girl who was also trying to find the passport office, overheard him and ended up joining him so they walked to the office together. He also said he helped her out as she needed a reference number that had been emailed to her so he lent her his Blackberry phone so she could access her emails and get the number. He told me that once they went into the passport office that was the last he saw her.

I kind of believed him, but there was something niggling away at me, something about his story, his text messages, that didn't ring true.

Without going into too much detail, I woke in the night, still mulling everything over in my head, I couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. My husand came down to see what was the matter, so I told him I was having trouble believing his story. I told him I wanted the truth. Well, after further denials, anger at me for questioning him, I think he knew I was not going to let it drop, so he confessed..

He told me that he went to the pub with her after they came out of the passport office as she wanted to thank him for helping her!!!! He also said they then went into the town and killed some time going round the shops (although they separated in the shops) before they went to the train station to get the train.

Boy, was I mad. Seriously... I was absolutely ready to leave... and I believe that's what I should have done. But I'm too scared of the consequences... too scared of the pain and disruption it will cause to my elderly parents who happen to think that the sun shines out of his proverbial A**e!!!

And how about this? He told me that he thought this girl "batted the wrong way" - how convenient!!! So typical - trying to downplay a situation, make out that it was so completely innocent. He said he didn't think he'd done anything wrong!!!! Oh, the only thing he regretted was lying to me about it!! But he only lied because he knew I'd kick off if he told me!! Too right!!!

Oh yes, and get this... he told me she said she offered him a drink for helping her out.... but apparently he bought the drinks!!!! With his company credit card!!! Trying to impress?????

Angry doesn't even cover it. How can he do stuff like that after all he's put me through - and still expect me to love him and for our marriage to thrive????? It doesn't make sense AT ALL!!!!!!

And he says he respect me!!!!!


I could go on and on, but what's the point???

Oh dear, maybe this shouldn't be in the Reconciliaton forum...


BS Me 50
FWH 43
Married 9 years (together 13yrs)
D-day June 09
In R

Posts: 175 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..OMG... .. your WH is still denying and lying thru his teeth..

..trust your gut.. that he is 'STILL' up to no good and i see huge red flags with this bullshit story he's given to you!

..there's more to this story and it doesn't sound good

..tell him you want a lie detector test done about their little escapade..

..i smell a rat.. and unfortunately that rat is married to you.

..sorry, but this is no time to be weak.... if you want the truth, you'll have to fight for it.

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 10:57 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This doesn't sound cool to me. At all.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with SMY. Don't let this one slide.

It's okay to confront him about this and hold your ground. In doing so, you may just find that you have more power in this relationship than you knew.

Hang in there, and let us know how it goes. Strength to you.


Posts: 7545 | Registered: Dec 2010
showmetheway
♀ Member
Member # 26242
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to reply...

Yes, I did confront him and tried to get him to explain. He assured me that there was nothing in it, he told me that even if it had been an eighty year old woman he'd have helped her. Yes, I said but would he have gone for a drink with her too, I asked.. He said "Probably, if she'd asked me."

I'm sure he will swear black is white if that's what he wants to believe.

He insists that there was no attraction. He insists that he thought she was gay. I guess I should ask him why he came to that conclusion - all he said was that she was quite butch and her head was part shaved, so maybe he's speaking the truth. Or maybe he saw someone that day who looked like that and he used it as a convenient description for this girl he met. How do I know?

I still cannot understand WHY he gave her so much of his time and sidelined me in favour of her (what I mean is he didn't bother to phone me or really try and communicate with me all day).

So he insists that his actions were innocent. He says the only thing he regrets is lying to me!!! He doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong is spending time with a stranger, a member of the opposite sex, when his wife is at home, wondering how he is and waiting for him!!!

I've told him his behaviour is NOT acceptable. He's agreed to modify his behaviour, ie, no one-on-one with any females unless it is unavoidable (for instance work situations) and in those instances he is to talk to me about it preferably beforehand.

I'm waiting... I don't feel comfortable being with someone with such bad judgement/lack of personal responsibility/lack of integrity - unfortunately I really don't know what category he fits into.


BS Me 50
FWH 43
Married 9 years (together 13yrs)
D-day June 09
In R

Posts: 175 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"How can he do stuff like that after all he's put me through"

He does because he knows you'll stay, status quo, because you feel trapped and he knows that. Don't think for a moment that he doesn't realize that you prefer the comfortable life and are willing to tolerate his indiscretions to have it, he knows, he knows very well.

ETA: Hit reply too soon. Grr.

[This message edited by doesitgetbetter at 10:32 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can insist his actions were innocent..but they weren't.

He lied because he knew he had been inappropriate. He spent the day with another woman,shopping,helping her,buying her drinks,letting her use his Blackberry. Sounds like a date.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:40 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"No, only the person in the passport office and some guy on the train."

Boldface lie

He mentioned something about getting on the wrong train and said "We got off." When I questioned him, he assured me that he had said "I got off" implying that I was imagining things or making things up!

Caught in a lie, and emotionally abusing you by denying and trying to make you feel like you are crazy.

"Oh, come to think of it, there was someone else."

Did he apologize for "forgetting" and getting mad at your questions, calling you crazy, and telling you that you were imagining him say "we" instead of "i?"

whilst he was trying to find the passport office, he asked directions from some builders and a girl who was also trying to find the passport office, overheard him and ended up joining him so they walked to the office together. He also said he helped her out as she needed a reference number that had been emailed to her so he lent her his Blackberry phone so she could access her emails and get the number. He told me that once they went into the passport office that was the last he saw her.

1) He explains that he met her because she overheard him asking for directions from some builders. This makes no sense. Where did she come from?
2) This girl must be pretty much an airhead...here she is lost on the way to the passport office, and no cell phone either even though she needs a reference number in order to get her passport done...very strange. Good thing he was there to save her day, right?

He told me that he went to the pub with her after they came out of the passport office as she wanted to thank him for helping her

But he bought the beer? I'm guessing that was also a lie. Unless she forgot her wallet in addition to her cell phone.

He also said they then went into the town and killed some time going round the shops (although they separated in the shops) before they went to the train station to get the train.

1) I find it super convenient that they happened to be catching trains at the same time. A trip to the passport office, and they have time to stop at the pub and go shopping before either of them have to do anything, and this was not planned in advance WITH a perfect stranger.

2) What train did she get on? I'm willing to bet a million dollars that they rode the train back home together and sat next to each other as well. If this is even the whole story, but that sounds super fishy.

He said he didn't think he'd done anything wrong

Another bold face lie.

If he really didn't believe that he had done anything wrong, he wouldn't have felt the need to lie OR thought you would be upset about it.

I'm going to say this right now:
My H does a sh*t son of things wrong, no doubt. I complain about him all the time and being married to him is no picnic (and it's been like 10 official days of being married, so yay). BUT one thing I will never again accept from his lying little mouth is him trying to claim that he didn't think he did anything wrong, but lied to me because he knew I would be mad.

If he knows I'm going to be mad, he is OBVIOUSLY doing something that he knows I am not going to like. Even if HE thinks it is okay...it is obviously not something I think is okay.

My H would never just hang out with a perfect stranger for the afternoon like that, even before he cheated. He might have helped someone to an office if he knew the way, or lent someone his cell phone...but that's it. Especially now that the trust issues are there, he probably wouldn't let another woman use his phone because he knows I would get jealous and defensive about it.

Your H is an idiot.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I know a lot of people on here say "just leave him" as if it is just some easy thing. It is not, and divorce is a very complicated issue for a lot of people, especially after you have been together for so long.

I'm so sorry you're hurting and I hope he comes to his senses too.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
showmetheway
♀ Member
Member # 26242
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for taking the time to respond - depressing though it is. Depressing because basically you have all confirmed what I've been thinking.

All my relationships have screwed me up and this one has done it big time. There doesn't seem to be any logic. I have a husband who claims he loves me, adores me, respects me, who tells me that everything he does he does it for me or us. Who swears he will never hurt me again, who wants to be with me for ever and make me the happiest woman on the planet...

So why this????

It doesn't make sense.


BS Me 50
FWH 43
Married 9 years (together 13yrs)
D-day June 09
In R

Posts: 175 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Reyna13
♀ New Member
Member # 40178
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our stories/timelines/siuations are so close. I'm too new and still trying to figure this all out to give you advice. I do understand the part about feeling trapped because of finances. I sometimes feel as if I am just a whore staying and getting paid for my services, but a whore doesn't cook and clean do they?

I understand trying to trust and then things happen or are said that don't add up. I never know if I'm extra sensitive (he says I am) or this one thing that happened he is innocent.

When WH has lied so much and now says we need to put it all behind us I want to scream, instead I say nothing. I hate myself for being weak.


Me-BS 45
Him-WS 45
Married 14 years
1st D-Day August 2009
TT for 4 year
More Affair info August 2013

The wound keeps getting broke open each time he tells me more "truths"


Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man, that is awful. :(
Has any more "truth" come out about this day?

My H has boundary issues we've recently discovered and we (he) are working very hard to fix them. If your H is telling the truth then his boundaries are seriously out of whack. Is he in IC?
I'm so sorry.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's just put it this way:

If this were my WH, he would be G-O-N-N-N-N-E!

You deserve better than that kind of foolishness!!!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 11

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