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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm okay now...long vent
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillstrong; If you saw how young and stupid she is and how old and sickly he is it would make you do a double take. She wants nothing but the comforts we've built together over the years. She wants to be me. She's tried to be me. heh.

Her sister told me and I've told him countless times that she will be gone when the money runs out or there are problems to solve. Well, I think he finally sees that she will not help him. Or he wants the money so he can call her to see if she will help. Either way he's never been "her problem" he's her free ride.

I know you're trying to let me know to let him rot. Let her help. She won't. I'm so exhausted....


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CW, please do NOT give him money. Do NOT read his letters.

Now that he's locked up, he's going to try to pull your heart strings with very heartfelt letters of how he's wronged you and how sorry he is and NOW he sees where he went wrong.
As soon as he gets what he wants (or gets out), he'll be right back to the nasty asshat who treats you like a stray dog in the street.

NC NC NC NC NC!
He is not your problem any more.

((( Curious Wiz )))


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6356 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

curiouswiz, I'm sorry that his letter triggered you. What I noticed when I read it that it is about him. Sure he starts by apologizing and then there is the big "BUT ... lifes goes on" and then it's poor me, give me, me, me, me.

I know you are still struggling about the decision to give him money. I just want to remind you that you have a full plate to deal with right now other than worrying about his snack money.

If you give him money, what do you predict will happen next? How does giving him money help YOU to heal, rebuild and move forward? In the end, it is your decision and we will love and support you no matter what.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Oct 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is an addict, friend. He's not using the money for comforts but for drugs.

He is not appealing to you because he's desperate but because you are a soft touch and he has run out of options.

He'll use your money to call junky whore.

The minute he has other options he will go back to being the monster you have been dealing with.

DO NOT ENABLE HIM FURTHER. It is not your fault that he is in jail. Geez - if I could put the sad clown in jail I bloody well would. The problem is *I* can't do that - I have to wait for him to fuck up royally.

This guy has fucked up royally. You're not being mean or uncaring or cruel.

IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I would talk to your IC and examine what it is you get out of enabling him.

You're worried about him and you don't want him to hurt but you need to know you cannot save him from himself.

DO NOTHING. It is not your job - it never has been.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5533 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jail is the consequence of his own doing. He trys to make you feel guilty so you will over compensate and give him what he wants.

He gets what he needs, in jail. He wants you to put $ into the canteen so he can trade for drugs. He's an addict still trying to manipulate you. You must learn to understand this so that you can develop healthy thinking.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

curiouswiz, how much money has he stolen from you? How often did you go to the ATM and find nothing there? You don't owe him one red cent. His needs are met by the system; he has meals provided. If someone wants to hear from him, let them put money in his canteen for a phone call. Do you really feel the need to fund his phone sex with OW?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13685 | Registered: Jul 2011
missmydogs
♀ Member
Member # 36559
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Curious)) No. He gets nothing after all the foulness and filth he has put you through. He will get essentials in there. Let that pig bail him out. If she doesn't that is his problem. You did not do this. This is a result of his poor decisions.

Spend that money on you. Buy a book. Buy nail polish. Or put ketchup on the money and eat it. Doesn't matter, just do not give it to him.

(((Curious)))


Me 36
DS 16
DD 4

Divorced!

I've made a huge mistake - GOB


Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: missmydogs
his#1
♀ Member
Member # 3432
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curious, I don't usually ever post in D&S, but I saw yours and it touched me. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

I wanted to give you a little insight to jail. My son was there for a few months. The jail provides tehm with everything they NEED. The canteen will sell them things they WANT.

Also, if he truly WANTS it bad enough, the jail will gladly put him in a job making about .30 cents an hour (it's been a while since my son was in, so this may have changed, and also I am in Michigan, so your jails may pay differently) that they will put into his canteen for him to spend.

The bottom line is this, if he WANTS it bad enough, he will EARN it. Please don't give him money. He is there for a reason and honest to God, he will NOT learn a darn thing if you feed his WANTS with money. Make him earn it. Ignore his letters AND calls. It is hard. It is INCREDIBLY hard. But by doing so, you could be saving his life.

Tough love sucks. But it also works.

Best wishes


**The soul would have no rainbow
Had the eyes no tears.~J.Cheney
**Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

Posts: 1648 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Michigan
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curiouswiz, you aren't strong enough yet to see how being codependent and "helping" WH, by putting $ in his canteen, isn't an act of love.

Putting $ in his canteen will only "help" him to harm himself. The only loving thing you can do is not do that.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. It has sunk in. It really sucks to be him and I know he's trying to hit me in the heart. He's probably still in shock that I had the nerve to put him in jail.

But I didn't. He did this. All his to own. I do know he will use the money for phone sex...thanks Amazonia! heh that one struck home! I know if I give him a dime it will go in the phone so he can beg her to visit. And I know he probably will get drugs in there.

I'm going to go make a ketchup sandwich with dollar bills as missmydogs suggests!! I'll fill it with ketchup, mayonaise, mustard and a bit of siracha to wash this whole shit sandwich down with! HA! Thanks for that one!

Seriously though, thank you so much. I knew if I asked you'd deliver...I know I'm not thinking straight because of all of the things I have to deal with and I needed your help.

Thank you.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) The kindest thing that you can do is to let him reap what he has sown. The man you once knew, is dead. He is no more. Grieve your good memories of that man, and leave the shell that is left behind to free-fall to it's own level. And heal up, get some cops to go with you, and reclaim that which is yours. (((more hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 31
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