First time posting here. Wasn't sure how to title. There is so much going on in my mind and so many issues. My story is in my profile.
I guess the biggest thing I'm struggling with is the roller coaster I've been on. The problem is I've been stuck in a valley for too long. Is this normal? My husband wants me to get on meds and I'm beginning to think I might need to but I also don't want him to think I can just take a pill and get over what he has done to me.
Issue number 2. I feel no love for my husband. Is this normal, will it return? We are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of DD 3 and I feel more and more disgusted with him than ever.
Issue number 3. I'm tired of being his mother and telling him what he needs to do to make things better. All he does is tell me he loves me a million times a day and throws in some I'm sorrys here and there. I need him to show me he is working on our marriage. I've always been the director of the household and I'm done. I have worked my ass off for over a year reading every book I could get my hands on, counseling, journaling, prayer. I've gotten no where but to a place where I simply don't like him very much. Every time he says he loves me, it triggers me. When he talks about "good" memories from the past he triggers me. I know we need to go back to counseling but I think he doesn't want to because of the cost. We've already spend thousands trying to save this thing and it seems like it is getting worse.
Issue 4- how do I know if there isn't some deeper issue behind his pattern of behavior. The only person that has mentioned possible sex addiction is our pastor. When I read about it he doesn't necessarily fit the mold but is there levels. Can some people just control it better than others?
I'm sure there is more I'm struggling with but my kids need my attention.
Thanks for any thoughts/advice/encouragement
I have no one I can talk to in real life. I learned early on that not all friends are capable of being supportive of choosing to stay. they turned their backs on me so I've stopped confiding in friends.
Me: late 30s Husband: late 30s
M 14 years, T 18
C: 8 and 10
DD 1: 3/12 numerous PA from 95-05 resulted in me confessing to brief PA prior to marriage
DD 2: 4/12 RA with prost.
DD 3: 11/12 RA with old professor
Hoping for R but doubtful