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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

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User Topic: calling all teen experts
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone has already given you great advice about actions and consequences, and especially, kids don't grow up until their parents stop fixing their problems and running their lives for them. He is a tough cookie and he will probably have to suffer some severe consequences before he wakes up and smells the roses, but better now than never. And I'm serious there, because I have dated a 46 year old whose mother is still fixing his problems and he lives in her basement and drinks his life away.

My new guy's best friend is a 30 year old that just moved back in with mommy because he doesn't want to work a lower-paying job to support his butt right now. Enabling and entitlement makes not very happy adults.....

(((hugs))) because I know how tough it is to let your kids fall on their butts. I have 4 teenagers or used to be teens. The teen years suck. Period. I never used to drink until my kids hit their teens (I am serious!) (I'm not saying you should take up drinking to deal with parenting a teen....but I am saying you have to find a way to detach just a bit otherwise you will not make it thru those years!)


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm telling you he's a tough cookie to crack. Nothing short of anything seems to work. But honestly, I can't say he's a "bad" kid because he's not. He's home most of the time and not out rising hell in the streets, otherwise, I really don't know what I'd do. He just needs some real motivation, spark, something that will get him GOING.

I feel for you. This is my son, except 13yo. He doesn't like school either. We've tried homeschool. public school and now private school.

The consequences thing does work, it's just hard to see your child deal with them. We want to rescue them. In our house, it's a huge conflict because daddy keeps bouncing between rescuing DS and nagging him. Both are owning DS's responsibilities. The result is, DS won't own anything but Minecraft

I've told him that legally, we are required to feed him, clothe him, make sure he gets to school and give him a place to sleep. All else is a gift from us to him.

We've gone over how much it will take him to pay us back for failed classes working minimum wage. He may end up working a job that he hates, but that's because he's making choices now that will limit what choices he will have in the future.

I've also told him that now that he wouldn't be in the youngest grade in middle school, if he chooses to fail classes we're paying for, I'll transfer him to his assigned MS. They have huge discipline problems and it would break my heart but I don't want to raise an entitled child. I'm M to one, TYVM. I'm raising a man, not a child.

Check out some of the info at http://www.loveandlogic.com/ for some ideas. Most may be geared towards little kids, but it's never too late to start the consequences and problem solving.

I really feel for you, because what I quoted above can be DS. It's frustrating to have the good but totally unmotivated kid. You have to find the motivation. Maybe it's having him do more work to make up for what he doesn't do. For instance, when my kids have forgotten something at home (like lunch), I have been a SAHM and we live less than 3 miles from the school. I can take them their lunch, but then they have to pay me back for my time by doing some of my chores.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is why I love SI - you are all so wise.

Well, my son asked me for the money last night to get his PE clothes today and I said nope. I said after the stunt you pulled about not wanting to use your money and me paying you back, you can now still use your own money and I will pay you back. He said forget it, he will get a suit cut. I said fine, you do that and you will not get an allowance this week. He's digging in his heels and so am I. And this is where it starts to feel like a power struggle. My mom says if I had the money today why didn't I just give it to him? BECAUSE he refused to do what I asked him the day before. And he's acting like a 2 year old.

SO, we will see how the rest of this week will play out.

I just got a call from his school counselor (WHOM I LOVE) and she informed me that she will no longer be his counselor anymore and I got upset. She has been a great with him and me and dealing with all this high school stuff and now we need to see someone who I do not care for (I've had some interacations with this other one) because she is cold and unrepsonsive. I left a message asking if as a parent I can request that she still remain his counselor to the principal. But now I feel like a whiny kid...


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you will not get an allowance this week

So I have to ask out of curiosity, does he have to work for this allowance or is it a freebie? I really hope he has to earn it in some way otherwise that is a fast path to entitlement, especially given his current attitude.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1200 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you what my parents would have said if I acted like that:

"Okay, then I WON'T pay you back for the PE clothes. You can get zeros in PE until you can come up with the $25 yourself. Remember, if you get below a B in any of your classes, you are grounded from the phone and tv and hanging out with friends until your grade is up to a B or above. Have a great day at school!"


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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