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User Topic: Aren't we settling for less, if we decide to R?
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to thread jack but for me I dont want a "better" partner. Its not about him being a better partner than so and so! I want a partner who values me. I dont think I will ever feel that way about wh. Even i he never cheats again. Its the fact that he did and I wasnt worth being faithful to and being treated how he expected to be treated. Thats some real deep shit to wade through.

Wh was all I wanted. He didnt have to be witty or have abs of steel. He didnt have to wear true religion jeans or drive a fancy car. He did have to value me. He didnt.

Just sayin


Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay? Go?

Neither is easier than the other! Each has its pitfalls and benefits.

I know its my choice. I dont like either choice.

Its all in your own perspective of your own situation.

Whats in my head at this moment..

Cheater cheater pumpkin eater...


Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I echo cuppacoffee.

People do make mistakes when they aren't playing with their head in the game. That is not an excuse to let this stuff slide.

At this point, it's still in my best interest and that of my kids to R. If that changes, I will file for D.

Our MC asked me last week, in a session with just her and me , "Don't you want to understand who the father of your kids really is?" I take that to mean that if I give up now, I won't have any insight into what is behind all of this and that insight may be helpful even if we co-parent in a D situation.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, i agree people make mistakes but where i disagree...infidelity is not a mistake in my eyes. Its a choice.

[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 9:41 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it just depends on the WS in question. So many times we read that the WS was an asshole throughout the marriage and that they aren't remorseful. In that case, then yes, the BS is settling for less. However, since they always had settled for less, they really aren't doing anything differently than before. Or, if they are staying because they don't want to have to work or it's "better" for the kids, then I do think it's settling.

For those who had a good spouse to begin with and that spouse is truly remorseful and willing to do the work, then no, I don't believe the BS is settling.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, i agree people make mistakes but where i disagree...an affair is not a mistake in my eyes.

I agree. It is a purposeful and conscious choice. I feel I will be settling if I stay even if he becomes truly remorseful. He is a cheater and that can't be undone. He will always be a cheater whether he is recovering or not.

He is now less of a person than people who do not have affairs. He not only cheated once, he then lied and took it underground after DDay1. He covered his tracks and made me feel somewhat safe so he could continue to see her and talk to her. He is now "less than". He will always be less than I deserve b/c he is a cheater and I am not. I am faithful and loyal and loving. He is none of those things anymore. The obvious ones he killed are faithful and loyal, he killed being loving once he crossed the cheating line. Nobody can love while they cheat. They are empty dead souls.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, I was settling Before I found out about OW4. I thought I was being a good wife. I know that he is a "social butterfly" and I'm not so much. I know that he needed some type of external stimulation - he acted in local theater, played bass in an alternative band, etc - and I supported him in everything he did. I thought I was being a good wife by supporting band practice 3 nights a week - EVERY week for 10 years!

I thought I was being a good wife, handing over the keys to my new car so he could go support a friend band in style while I sat at home washing his dirty underwear and tending to his kids.

He was a really good husband and father until we moved to Dallas. Here, the new friends he found when looking for a new band to join really started him down the evil path. None were married. It was all about the party scene - drinking, drugs (them not him), women. So he kept his little family isolated from that life.

When we were separated, I even asked him if he wanted his tombstone to read "Great Friend, Shitty Husband/Father" because that's what he was.

I settled then! But not now!

Now, I have a man who understands (once again) that his marriage and his family must come first above all else. He puts our needs first. He helps me with the kids/house AND he doesn't resent me anymore for asking him to help. He is in a new family-friendly band. And he does not speak to any of those bad influences.

I have the man I married again. I'm not settling for that asshole he had turned into for a while. And we are happier than we've been in years.


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
sunflowergirl30
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think people should get caught up in the logistics of it.

For me personally I have settled. Is my wh the ideal remorseful spouse? No. Imo even if he was I would still be settling because he was unfaithful. No one forced him too. He chose it and I will never forget that. He is a cheater. Though he may never cheat again for me the point is he did.

Its great for those who dont feel that way. I respect that...but its not the reality of my marriage or my feelings. The ws knows what they are doing is wrong. They wouldnt want it done to them by us or by their OP.

I will never see my wh the same again. Im suspicious now of ALL people. Male or female. For many its all about the moment and in that moment what they want and how it makes them feel. Damn the consequences or collateral damage. Most not all..but most ws are so shocked when they get found out when everything crumbles. Well duh! No shit sherlock!

Great if he fixes himself someday. I doubt he will. He may never cheat but hes still fucked up. Hes still emotionally corrupt.

He sold me out. He sould out our kids. He sold out our future. Most of all he sold out himself.

That will always be a factor.

I have little hope that I will be valued by another man. Maybe once I fix me and stop trying to save other people.

Starting with my wh.

Everyones journey is different. We are all different.


Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it depends on the relationship itself. R might be settling for less for me, but it might be striving for more for another couple. I understand that some relationships are stronger after an A with a truly remorseful WS.

In many ways my M is better now. But, I have become weaker in the process. This is a contradiction in terms. So for me I think I did settle for less. But not everyone who R does settle for less.

I recently read a thread on here, where I was very proud of many of the WS. They gave the same advice to the poster as many BS would. So many of them are worth a second chance.

The jury is still out rather or not mine is.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Better the devil you know, I suppose.

Sometimes you have to settle-you can't always get what you want-I can't have a million dollar mansion, so I settled for a 50y/o small house.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5397 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my short time on SI I would guess that people considering R do so for many reasons. I don't think most of them are settling. Are some? Maybe. Every circumstance is so different.

This is why I feel like I can't say I am in R or D. I feel like if it wasn't for our son, I would not even be considering R right now. I love myself more than I love WH (did I at DDay 1 year ago - probably not). And WH obviously loved someONE (himself or AP) more than me. And I'm not all about just sticking together because its easier.

When H told me everything last year I instinctively told him - hey, you're (sons) dad and I've got no where better to be AT THE MOMENT, I'm not kicking you out on the street BUT... 1) you have to be nicer to me, you're mean, 2) you have to get over your funk and start taking care of SOMEthing (house, food, bills, kid). I told him he probably had about 8 years to get his shit together because its not like I'm going to be out barhopping and dating and stuff with everything I have going on.

Then I spent the year trying to learn to be kind to myself, love myself, respect myself.

Now I am more worried about myself than him and I don't think about "us" that much. He seems to be heading down the road to R but I'm still in limbo in my mind.

I've had a lot of ups and downs in the past year but I'm pretty happy still with what I told him on DDay.

As I pay more attention to people and their relationships around me and interact with more people than just my family and H's friends - I'm starting to notice that I don't like people all that much I doubt I'll ever be looking for another relationship but that also doesn't mean I want to R.

So I don't really see it as a question of settling, I see it as a question of what is it you want? Get that. Don't "settle" away from that. But if what you want is R then yay, its not settling.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In any case, try not to judge yourself or others for their choice to (or to not) try to R. There are always many factors in play and every situation, even though there are common threads, is different.

I'm trying to R and at this point, I don't need someone to try to tell me I'm wrong for taking that on.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Truly Sad,
I am with you. The bomb was dropped on me 2 weeks ago. My H had 1.5 year affair and told me (eventually got to the real story and what he was saying after a few days) that he is in love with her and not with me.

My default emotion has been red hot anger. As soon as the the true story was revealed, and I realized he was not really trying to even R with me, but try to make it seem like he was confessing and I was ending it....I was done.

There might have been 100 ways he could have handled that would have made me consider R. But, the execution of his plan, how hurtful and disrespectful and immature of him- I thought I don't even know who you have been. Certainly I loved the person I thought you were. But that is not who you are.

But if you could do this to me. If you could cause me this much pain, and our family this much pain. And be so lacking of true remorse and empathy and sooooo selfish. No R. No Way. Never.

Every story is different and everyone has their reasons. It sounds like some people worked really really hard to build something better. If this one played out differently, I might have considered R. But, I am with you that in most cases the person that could do it doesn't deserve you back. Sometimes the damage is too much, too horrible.

I am sorry!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My perspective, as someone who wasn't given the choice about whether to R or not...

I think it depends on what your definition of being in R means.

I have my own idea of what R would need to look like for me to consider it successful and not feel like I was settling.

There are some people who post on SI about being in R, and from my perspective, I say they were settling because what they are accepting is less than what I would be willing to accept. But their standards for R may not be the same as mine.

I do believe that this is someone out there for everyone that will cherish them and be faithful for the entirety of their relationship. So maybe from that perspective, R is settling...


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2260 | Registered: Feb 2010
ohiocarrie535
♀ Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I think it's an individual thing. I currently feel like I've settled for less. I don't know if I will always feel that way.... I hope not. I wanted a faithful husband who loved me. He was my first. I gave him my virginity, my love, trust, and everything else that goes along with marriage vows. He tossed that aside. And no matter what he does now, that can't be undone. From my view, our marriage will always be scarred. But I do want to stay with him however. I've seen the shame, regret and remorse in him. If we end up not making it, I want to know that I did everything in my power to save our M. It's the only way I'll have a chance at closure.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not even sure if I consider us in R. I think he does, but the jury is still out for me. If I am able to fully commit to R (and if I didn't have kids I'd be GONE), I will be settling absolutely.

He chose to destroy the marriage that I was so thankful for and proud of. Now the choice I have is to R and have a tarnished marriage (even if all goes perfectly great from here on out, it will ALWAYS be tarnished) with a man I no longer respect or can give myself fully to or ever trust again...or get divorced and break up my family, devastate our kids and our finances and family and friends. Rock meet hard place. Thanks WH, an affair really is the gift that keeps on giving.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People are flawed, life is long.

I don't think it's possible to have a lifetime relationship without some kind of scars. Over time life happens and in our case we stopped putting the 'us' in our marriage first moving to the bottom of the long list of kids, family, careers, friends, activities and just trying to manage everyday life.

I never cheated on my H but I sure wasn't always loving and kind to him every year of the past forty we've been together. He chose the road of betrayal. Other couples might deal with gambling, drinking, etc. and find those offenses as horrible and possibly worse than infidelity. None of us know what goes on behind closed doors and those 'happy' marriages we see may also have ugly scars the couples have worked together to heal.

If the WS is truly remorseful and is willing to do whatever it takes to help the BS recover and heal the marriage, I don't think it's settling...it's making the decision to do what's necessary to make your relationship one that works for the two of you, together.

Settling to me would be not trying to make it work....sitting back and giving up living with the status quo. I demand more from my H now than I ever did before...and I demand more from myself also.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"...in sickness and in health, for better or for worse..."

His psyche was sick pre and during the A. In some ways it still is...he's working on it. Our M was definitely made worse as a result of his mental sickness.

No one is perfect. Everyone is going to mess up somehow in a M. Infidelity is in a category all its own...I give you that.

I'm not settling, as my standards are higher than they were pre A. Many behaviors I tolerated pre A are not acceptable anymore. If he can fix those, our M will be better, and I will be happier than pre-A.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
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