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Newest Member: chewiejax (45435)

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User Topic: The newlyweds.
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my ex is the king of "I have to work on that". Problem is, he never does. The pity party is a way to deflect and avoid. He's hoping you'll feel bad enough that he's feeling bad that you will forget about it for the time being.

Good for you for sticking up for yourself and realizing that you and DD deserve a whole lot more.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2848 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

then has a pity party night shortly after where he goes off and cries and claims he is trying his hardest but I can never ever be happy.

No! No no no no no Fuck NO!!!

Emotional Abuse to Nth degree!!!!

Run... Just get out now before you're in too deep.

My second husband was a nice guy. A real sweetheart.... Until "I Do". Then he turned, almost instantly into the most cruel, abusive, evil Son of a Bitch on the planet. I endured 4 years of misery with that Fucktard.

Don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to your DD. I was lucky, I didn't have any kids yet.

Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24597 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
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Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know sex is by no means the most important thing here, but from what you wrote, I gather that the recent rarity of sex is unusual. I am hesitant to say this, for perhaps being on SI for so long makes me far too suspicious, but...... I'm afraid I see the sudden dearth of sex, combined with the change in attitude and reluctance to have a commitment on his days off, as possible red flags. I am so sorry. And I very much hope that I am completely wrong.

The other very possible cause, of course, is depression. His exhaustion and reluctance to get up in the morning could be symptomatic of that. Perhaps the major commitment of marriage has scared him a little, after-the-fact, and brought on the sort of crisis that is common in middle age, where one asks oneself, "Is this all there is to life?"

I think that you are right to insist on some very serious and honest talking. I really hope that things will work out well for you.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 8:38 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 2117 | Registered: Mar 2009
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Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read, "why does he do that?" By Bundy. Not because I think your new h is abusive. Though his whining is a well documented bullying tactic. Wish I had read it 9 days into marriage (I should have) and not 20 years in. Gaby is right, get this fixed now or you are setting up a lifetime of it. Hugs

Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
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Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He always does this...listens to what I say and then has a pity party night shortly after where he goes off and cries and claims he is trying his hardest but I can never ever be happy.

I'm confused. He did this before marriage? And you married him anyway?

Age: 64..ummmmmmm,, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks

Posts: 7305 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am at my wit's end with the whole thing.
As well you should be.

It's been a few days since you last posted on this thread. How are you doing? What's been going on?

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25835 | Registered: Aug 2011
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Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a big sit down Tuesday night.

I made a chore chart for the house. I told him that if he wanted to EVENLY devide things in a different way, he was welcome to discuss/modify what I made. I explained that I work full time just like he does, and therefore we are going to split the household dutied 50/50. If he would like for me to take on ALL of the household responsibilities, I would be more than happy to quit my job and be a homemaker instead. He shut up really quick. It's only been 2 days, but I have already seen an improvement. Now that it is posted WHO should be doing what, and things are evenly divided, I am able to SEE that I am not having to do everything which is nice.

The sex issue has been an up and down thing for the last year. We will go month with everything fine, and then we will go anywhere from 1-3 months with disaster. It seems to correspond with him being stressed out at work. I get it, he hates his job. I talked to him about the sex thing and how it makes me feel when he isn't interested and doesn't care for a month.

I wrote down a schedule for driving DD to and from daycare and he agreed to it. He apologized for arguing with me, and said he "misunderstood" what I saw saying, and thought I was trying to make him drive her everyday. I let it go for now, but it will be discussed later.

Finally, I did some research and provided him with the names of three counselors, and told him I wanted him to pick one, or do research and find someone else entirely. He argued and fussed, but finally picked one. We have an appointment scheduled for next week.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 27
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