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So we had our first officially married fight tonight.

My schedule starting September 1st will be:

Monday 10:30am-8pm

Tuesday 7:30am- 5pm

Wednesday 7:30am- 3pm

Thursday 7:30am- 5:30pm

Friday 8am- 5pm

H's schedule is:

Sunday 7am- 7pm

Monday and Tuesday 10am- 7pm

Wednesday 6:30am- 3pm

Thursday and Friday off

Saturday 10am- 6pm

Dd is 4 and a half, and goes to daycare in the city that H works- he works about a block away. My parents coordinate watching her, because they live right up the street from her daycare. I work 15 mins away.

My parents pick up DD on Monday nights. Since I'm not out of work until 8 and sometimes H gets off work late, she stays the night at their house on Monday nights and they take her to school on Tuesday.

I talked to H a few weeks ago when I found out what my new schedule was going to be, and expressed that I was worried about how DD was going to get to daycare on Wed and Thurs mornings. Daycare opens at 6:30am, but for me to get her there on time, I will have to wake her up early and leave an our earlier. Wednesday, since H opens, I will just have to deal with it. But since he has Thurs and Fri off, I discussed my hopes that he could step up and drive DD to daycare those mornings. Her main classes start at 9, so I would like her to be there around then, but it really doesn't matter. It isn't a set schedule, it is daycare.

H threw a conniption fit and gave me a whole minagery of excuses as to why this was unacceptable. First he went off about how I am a liar because when we first got together, I expressed to him I didn't want him to feel like DD was his responsibility. She has a dad, etc... Then, he went off about how he is sometimes hungover in the mornings and doesn't feel comfortable driving her. I explained to him that what I hear when he says that is that drinking is more important than DD. he insisted no, and then said fine, he would drive her, but just to let me know he fell asleep driving two days in a row this week because he is not a morning person. I finally threw my hands in the air and told him that I would just drop her off early since he seems to have a millin excuses for why he can't drive DD to school on his days off. I also told him that I know he wants to have a baby at some point in the next few years, and that he needs to get his shit together before that happens because I am not going to take n more than 50% of the responsibility.

I am SO mad! What is WRONG with him?

On a side note- we have been married for 9 days now. We had sex the one and ONLY time on our honeymoon, and I gave him 1 BJ the morning after the wedding. Before the wedding...3 weeks without anything. He keeps saying it's too hot.

The lack of sex ISNT a cheating issue, I now that. But it is still hurtful and frustrating all in the same.

Welcome to newlywed paradise.

Whoa! You have a much bigger problem than who will take DD to daycare, and I'm not talking about marital relations.

You married a guy who made you promise that your DD would not be his problem??? WTF? I can't even comprehend this. Why would you do this??

Why is she even going to daycare when he has both days off; if you were off, I'm sure she'd be home with you. He could give up one of his days to be stepdaddy.

Where is her bio father? Is he in the picture at all? If so, why is he not stepping up to the plate?

^^^What Sad said x2

Then, he went off about how he is sometimes hungover in the mornings and doesn't feel comfortable driving her

And, wtf?

[This message edited by lieshurt at 8:21 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

I am SO mad! What is WRONG with him?

Do you think he has an alcohol problem?

I am SO mad! What is WRONG with him?

Oh honey.....I think that there were things that really should have been dealt with and handled before jumping into marraige.

You even told us about the boundery issue at his own bachlor party before you got married.

First he went off about how I am a liar because when we first got together, I expressed to him I didn't want him to feel like DD was his responsibility.

This is a horrible quality in a man. His child or not, he should be man enough to take you as a WHOLE package, not piece mail. This is a HUGE red flag for me, and I would not accept a man who refuses to accept that I am a mother.

Why not help out with your DD? Why not be an awesome stepfather??

but just to let me know he fell asleep driving two days in a row this week because he is not a morning person.

Guilt and getting out of the situation by saying your DD might be in danger?

This stuff is not small stuff. This stuff is major issues that will continue through the marraige.

(((BeyondBreaking)))

You married a guy who made you promise that your DD would not be his problem???

No. I told him TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO when we first started dating that DD has a dad and I don't expect him (or anyone I am just dating) to be responsible for my child.

He watches DD and helps out tremendously (usually, so Idk where this fight even came from), and has done so for the past year (the first year and a half we dated he barely knew DD, I only introduced her when he and I got serious).

Where is her bio father? Is he in the picture at all? If so, why is he not stepping up to the plate?

Her bio dad sees her every other weekend for visitation. He is on L&I right now because he hurt his back at work...he is inconsistant. He lives over 45 minutes away from us (that's without traffic) so him picking her up from school or dropping her off in the mornings isn't an option.

Her daycare does a lot of learning things, and since she needs to be prepared for kindergarten, I would prefer she goes even on his days off. Not to mention, we pay by the month so if she stays home, we have to pay for those days anyway.

I understand WHY he threw a tantrum about having to drive her to and from school on his days off: He and I lived together last year, but I did all the driving. Now that is changing and the change affects him. Additionally, he works long hours and is exhausted come his days off. He wants to sleep in, not be taxi cab.

I'm just so frustrated. He is unhelpful, and I'm not even getting any. UGH!!!

He and I lived together last year, but I did all the driving. Now that is changing.

Is the change just because you're married now, or another reason?

ETA: This sounds like a case of unmet expectations, or even unexpressed expectations. In general with unmet expectations, clear and timely communication can help mitigate a significant portion of the problem, IME.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 10:20 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

My work schedule actually has nothing to do with us being married. We have two LPN's going out on maternity leave and the clinic I work for is small so they don't want to have to hire a bunch of new staff. So they changed everyone's schedules to accomidate and we are not able to take any PTO for 4 months while those people are gone. I'm really okay with the schedule change.

H used to work right down the street from my work, which is about 10 mins (15 in traffic) away from DD's daycare. he transferred to a different store 4 months ago, and is now just a block away from DD's daycare. BUT both of my parents are teachers, and have been watching DD with their summer off so we can save the money. Now that summer is ending, DD starts daycare again next week, and my schedule changes in the beginning of Sept.

Last year, we lived together. I didn't tell H that he needed to help out with DD- although he sometimes picked her up from work when I got off late, or when he got off early. Sometimes he kept her home on days he had off, etc... One time she was sick and he got the day off to watch her so that I didn't get into trouble at work. He has had no problem being helpful in the past- and daycare was farther away in the past.

However the difference was that I didn't NEED him to help out last year. I worked 8-5 everyday and was able to drop her off without her getting up too early, and was able to pick her up without it being too late. My parents watched her on the one day during the week (monday nights) that I get off super late. So the helping was when he CHOSE to, it technically wasn't required. I personally didn't see the difference.

[This message edited by BeyondBreaking at 10:33 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

I suggest you sit down with your new H and have a very long discussion about how things are going to be going forward (ETA: your expectations and his).

I'm a firm believer in "starting off the way you mean to carry on". If you start off the marriage with him taking no responsibility for a child in your home, that's how it will continue- and that is an environment that will breed resentment very quickly.

My current husband is not the father of my two children, however he has accepted responsibility for them since day one (yes, even when we were dating though he was never put in that position).

Their father IS actively involved in their lives, but H often drives them to/from school, gives them spending money, etc. He makes no "they aren't mine" distinction and in fact calls them HIS/OUR kids when speaking to his family/friends. When he dated/married me, they were a part of the package and he knew that.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 10:51 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Oh, and on a side note, he is not just argumentive about DD- he is argumentive about anything I ask him to do other than going to work or coming home.

We are looking at houses. He seems to think that he is "too busy" to call our real estate agent back. For the most part, I do all of the e-mailing and calling, but because we never have days off together, we have to schedule times to look at houses seperately and if the agent wants to talk to him, he won't call. He seems to think I can make appointments for him. I keep explaining that he needs to call the agent a few days before so that they can schedule appts. and that just calling the day you want to look won't work. He doesn't like planning in advance, and he REALLY doesn't want to go out of his way to do so.

He seems to think he doesn't need to participate in any of the household cleaning duties. He wants his days off to do whatever he pleases, and he wants ME to spend my days off cleaning the whole house. Which I have never done. I clean some stuff, but leave all of his laundry, etc... No way am I going to start that precident and do all of the cleaning. He can kiss my big fat butt.

He sounds incredibly emotionally immature.

I agree with the others - your problems are far beyond childcare and chores.

AJ's MOM

You're looking for a house together?

I strongly suggest you hold off on getting even more financially entangled until you guys resolve the underlying issues in the marriage.

However the difference was that I didn't NEED him to help out last year. I worked 8-5 everyday and was able to drop her off without her getting up too early, and was able to pick her up without it being too late. My parents watched her on the one day during the week (monday nights) that I get off super late. So the helping was when he CHOSE to, it technically wasn't required. I personally didn't see the difference.

Because before it was his choice, his time, and he probably was still in the 'impress BB' stages...now that he is married, the 'choice' has now become somewhat of an 'obligation' and he's pissed off about it now.

The status quo has been changed, and he's being an immature teenager who's mom just told him to start doing his own laundry.

he is argumentive about anything I ask him to do other than going to work or coming home.

This has got to be exhausting...The inability to accept change, the refusal to accept responsiblities, and that use of emotional abuse (ie saying that he could hurt your daugther if he drove in the mornings to get out of driving in the mornings) stinks of a guy who thought you would be his 'mom' for the rest of your life, rather then a Wife.

You're looking for a house together?

I strongly suggest you hold off on getting even more financially entangled until you guys resolve the underlying issues in the marriage.

I second this.

I see you defending him here, trying to minimize his actions - and I get that. But have you really just looked at the situation and said 'this is not working the way it is'....I know you think it's too soon for counseling, but these are not small issues like leaving the cap off the toothpaste, or never putting clothes in the hamper.

This is foundational communication and relating issues that set the tone of the marriage in the first place.

I would annul and run. Seriously.

This sounds like a horrible situation to raise a kid with. Sorry, I think you may have made a mistake with this one, but it's not too late to get out.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:01 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

he is argumentive about anything I ask him to do other than going to work or coming home.

And it's worked for him, hasn't it? Why do you want to be with somebody like this?

Oh boy. I'm sorry - this seems bad on a lot of levels.

If you drill the problem down to its very core, it's the difference between your belief that he would be your partner and the reality that he really is only interested in being a guest in your house. A true partner recognizes when he or she needs to step in and does it without whining, or blaming or trying to guilt/pressure you into backing down. He's absolutely not there at this point.

Honestly? He sounds like he has a problem with alcohol, along with a huge sense of entitlement, which, unfortunately, seems to be pretty common traits among waywards, mine included. I know you say you don't suspect infidelity now, but none of us did in the beginning. It's the character traits that we all learned about after the fact that can help predict.

Why should he get to do fun stuff on his days off and leave all the shit work to you? Why don't you get some time to yourself as well? Why is he not offering to help without you even asking? Why can't he see your stress level and why can't he recognize that you are begging for him to step up? And most importantly, why is he getting the option to act like your DD is not a huge part of his life and a huge part of his family???

These are some pretty major issues. My ex did a lot of this same shit and I put up with it for a lot of years because he was good at hiding his laziness and entitlement under a nice guy facade. I don't really know why except that I thought it was my role as the wife and the mom. I saw my mom do it and I did it without much thought, even though, unlike my mom, I worked full time. I also made excuses for him and would have plodded along like that for years if not for his A.

Don't live like this. It shouldn't be this way and your gut knows that. Hold off on the house, have an honest discussion with him, and find a good MC to help. This is only going to get worse the longer it goes on.

I would annul and run. Seriously.

I second this.

I am so sorry your prince has turned into a toad.

I would annul and run. Seriously.

Ditto. This is not a little spat - there are some HUGE issues here.

Honestly, it sounds like he wants a mother more than a wife.

I told him I want to go to MC, and that he can come with ideas about who to go to, or accept mine. If he refuses to go, I am moving in with mom.

I told him I would like to have a discussion and talk about our issues tonight when DD goes to bed. I said if that doesn't work for him, he can suggest a different night to sit down and talk- because I am NOT happy right now.

Oh, he responded by saying, "I'm sorry, I will try harder." He always does this...listens to what I say and then has a pity party night shortly after where he goes off and cries and claims he is trying his hardest but I can never ever be happy.

No.

Just fucking no.

I am at my wit's end with the whole thing.