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User Topic: Trying things WS did with AP?
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*Warning-this ended up longer than I thought it would be.

Without getting into too much detail we had a pretty good sex life early in our relationship but after 4-5 years it had become pretty one-note. I honestly didnt think about it much and just thought that's what happened as you got older.
We had been trying to have a baby since 2008 and were going through infertility treatment from 2009 to 2011 when I finally got pg with DS. Durung my pregnancy I had complications and we couldn't have sex until after he was born.

H always reassured me it wasn't an issue but during IF he did sometimes joke about baby making sex. He had also voiced on some occasions that he would like to try different things but not very often and not in detail.

H and OW started sexting (pics/vids from her mostly) in early 2010. Since dday I have learned a lot about what they did up to and including things they did during their PA. At first it disgusted me but taking myself out of it, I can see how he thought this stuff was exciting. I have recently realized I have a lot of shame for being promiscuous in college and I think it led to me being more reserved and almost prudish in my sex life with H. After dday we started some HB and I started trying things we haven't done in a very long time. More recently I have started trying things H told me they did.
So now to my question. I am enjoying our new sex life but I'm a little worried that my main motivation is to please him and be able to give him what he was getting from her. I'm starting with a new IC today that is also a sex therapist so I'm hoping to dig deeper into this but wanted to get some thoughts from the awesome SI members.

Eta: if any WSs read this, please feel free to share your thoughts. Would you want your BS to do some of the things you did with your AP? Would it make you think of/miss your AP??

[This message edited by AML04 at 12:19 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Jwayne10
♂ New Member
Member # 40286
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you don't mind a guys point of view. When my wife was having her affair she started asking me to do new things, then I found out about the affair and understood why. Four years later we are now fully reconciled, but those things we tried are off limits for me. I just don't want to go there mentally. It sounds like maybe you are trying to compare yourself to the OW. I can guarantee your H didn't have an affair because of short comings in your sex life. Improving your sex life is a good thing for both of you, I might suggest creating new things to do. Start fresh, create something that is just yours.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2013
nestlee
♀ Member
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can spice up your sex life with out doing things they did. I'm sorry but that just sounds wrong. Pick up a Kamasutra book and go from there.


A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely appreciate a guy's POV. H also tried to initiate sex more during the A. I was wondering why it had become an issue all of a sudden. Turns out he was kind of hoping if we had sex more he wouldn't want to have it with OW. Of course that wasn't the case.

And I think you hit it on the head with me comparing myself to OW. She is completely different than me, sexually and personality wise. Personally I know there is no comparison, she's completely ridiculous. Other than sex and an ego boost I have no clue what he was getting from her that kept him going back for so long. I do worry that by me doing things they did he is able to relive those memories. Unfortunately I find them exciting too, hence my willingness to try. I just worry its going to be more trouble than it's worth.
Thanks so much for your response.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Jwayne10. However, I did the things OM did in a way of owning them. I did it cause I wanted her to see that I can do it, I can satisfy her that way and she does not have to go elsewhere. Yes, I took myself out of the picture and saw how this could be exciting for her. In WW case, it was more about being with someone else then good'ol reliable me.

Sometimes I do have a hard time doing those things and I'll refrain because the mind movies come back and it is not a good place.

I can't even believe I'm talking about this. Our marriage was so sacred and now someone else was within our bond. huh! Sickening.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if your shame from being promiscuous in college is helping fuel the "excitement" that you get by being "that girl" with your WH right now? Maybe it's a way to turn your pain into a comfortable feeling that you're very familiar with, even though you didn't put your finger on it until recently? Maybe you are connecting the pain and the shame and it's helping you express those feelings, so it feels pleasurable to get those feelings out?

Any which way you slice it, I can tell you that I took back the things that my H did with the OW. I also did things that he texted or emailed with them that he wanted to do. I pretty quickly became disgusted with myself and with him for doing these things with me. Once HB stopped, all the stuff that happened with anyone else stopped as well. We might do something similar from time to time, but it's modified to make it ours and not "theirs" anymore. And no matter how many times my H swore he was thinking only of me while doing those things, I couldn't think only of me and him, and that was really what told me that it was an issue. I was reliving my pain through our sex life which was supposed to be joyful and positive, so I had to stop doing that.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have also been more experimental since dday however H and APs weren't adventurous that way so for me it was a way to be more exciting perhaps.

But I know what you mean, I really enjoy it too.

My hang up is (TMI) personal grooming. All three of his APs were bare. I had never done that. When I found out I was devastated and shaved it all off. It's been a huge internal struggle ever since then. It does feel erotic but it doesn't feel like me. I know he prefers it (though he says he loves it/me either way), but should I care?

Recently I decided to stop shaving to see how that felt. I'm still confused.
:(


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
LonelySilhouette
♀ Member
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I've been told, my wh didn't do anything extraordinary with his whores. The only thing he mentioned that was more exciting for him was that it was more visual. Most of his appointments were during the day or with lights on. We usually do it at night, lights out, which is more comfortable for me (body issues).

A couple of times I have turned on the bedside lamp for a while so that he can see what's going on. He likes that, and it's a small concession on my part, imo.


Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Jwayne10. However, I did the things OM did in a way of owning them. I did it cause I wanted her to see that I can do it, I can satisfy her that way and she does not have to go elsewhere. Yes, I took myself out of the picture and saw how this could be exciting for her. In WW case, it was more about being with someone else then good'ol reliable me.
Sometimes I do have a hard time doing those things and I'll refrain because the mind movies come back and it is not a good place.

Wow, I've been thinking aobut this exact topic the past few weeks. This being A season (Aug 20-Oct 3) I've been wondering if we should recreate the events on the same days? I've wondered if it would help my healing or hurt me more. I never made a decision on that.

I've been so depress and sad in the weeks leading up to this and it's affecting home life.

fWW keeps telling me we need to make good memories to overwrite the bad memories, and I thought about the re-enactments.

Did it work for anyone else?

ETA: We have been more adventurous in our sex life and there is no problems there. I actually do one of the positions in the bed, not the truck, but I can't finish. I enjoy it, but dont' finish. She does and I enjoy that.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 10:30 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 490 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re-enactments are out for me, I don't own horses.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4005 | Registered: Dec 2011
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred-I just almost spit out my coffee!!

It is possible I am trying to relieve the shame of my past. I didn't like the girl I was then. Did a lot of stupid things for male attention. I thought when I married my H those days were over and this is starting to make me uncomfortable even if I do find it exciting.

OW was bare too, I refuse to do it. I did it a long time ago and just didn't like it. I don't care about his preferences on that one. I finally realized It triggers my CSA.

He is also more visual and I find that hard because of body issues (infertility drugs and pregnancy were not kind to me) but I'm more ok with that because we've done it before. It's the pics and vids I find disconcerting. We never did that. It was their thing for 3 years.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember,, all in all, the A was not about us versus the AP. I still feel the need to compare the acts and the physical conditions that were so hot. But really, when we start telling our stories they all sound alike. The titillation was the planning, the cheating, the forbidden, something different. That is why they usually affair down with their AP and accept crap to keep it going. Like a drug they require more and more to get the same high so they end up escalating the acts in a short period of time and end up doing things they never even asked us to do. It is not because the sex is so great. In reality they have to keep upping the drug to get the same effect.

On a note Morhurt, I naturally have very little down there and what I do have is light colored and nearly straight and smooth. Genetics. The OW had gigantic Brillo pads up front, between, and up the back. H said it was mildly offensive, but not enough to keep him from going back because it was about those few minutes he got to lose himself in something other than his internal pain and self insignificance. She made him feel significant and important.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovedyoumore-I think I am going to read your response every day. Thank you. That was a reminder I needed to hear badly.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SecondHelping

Wow, I've been thinking aobut this exact topic the past few weeks. This being A season (Aug 20-Oct 3) I've been wondering if we should recreate the events on the same days? I've wondered if it would help my healing or hurt me more. I never made a decision on that.

I wouldn't go as far as to recreate everything. God that would kill me and she probably wouldn't want to go through with it. I think it just happens and you do it and that's it. No one really talks about it. However, what they did in the car I will NOT do. Nor does she want to anyway. Way too many hurtful memories to be recreating.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember,, all in all, the A was not about us versus the AP. I still feel the need to compare the acts and the physical conditions that were so hot. But really, when we start telling our stories they all sound alike. The titillation was the planning, the cheating, the forbidden, something different. That is why they usually affair down with their AP and accept crap to keep it going. Like a drug they require more and more to get the same high so they end up escalating the acts in a short period of time and end up doing things they never even asked us to do. It is not because the sex is so great. In reality they have to keep upping the drug to get the same effect.

Yep, like the BIBLE. This is true. I can't compete with OM in the drug high she got from it. Just can't, but one thing is for sure, if you have a completely remorseful spouse, they will not want that drug again because they now know the consequences. Reality sex will probably feel much better now.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no clue what he was getting from her that kept him going back for so long.

It was probably some of the ego strokes, but also, I know for my WH, there was an entire fantasy life projected on to his AP. His AP looked like the gutter dwelling women at the state fair that my WH used to be disgusted by. But with his fantasy he was able to "not see" the very things that had always been a huge turn-off to him. It wasn't about the person, she was just an easy, willing target for him to project his fantasy on to.


I do worry that by me doing things they did he is able to relive those memories. Unfortunately I find them exciting too, hence my willingness to try. I just worry its going to be more trouble than it's worth.

This is still hysterical bonding. If you enjoy it, go for it. You could be on the flip side like me: WH and his AP only had sex in 3 different positions (confirmed by reading discussions between them). All 3 are pretty vanilla and due to both being too inebriated to do anything else.

BUT they talked about doing one particular position OVER and OVER and OVER. It was their favorite thing to talk about. That position? I am never going there again. Ever.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is definitely TMI but I have to share. H had never been able to orgasm from oral sex. Well he did with her, 3 times. He told her he hadn't and she saw it as a challenge. The first time she's tried was during one of their sexcapades and it didn't work. After talking about it for a while and him sharing his thoughts with her she suggested they try their lunch break. They did it in the car while driving!!!

It broke my heart to find this out. I unfortunately thought well hell, if she can do it I can too. Of course it didn't happen. The first time he told me after that he had MB that day so I was able to brush it off. The 2nd time crushed me. He tried to play it off and say it's him, that he was over thinking it. I'm sure that's partially true but I think the real truth is without the excitement from the danger of it, it's not going to happen. She will always be his first for that and there is nothing I can do about it.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((AML))

As someone who had to know and suffer over every single detail.... What I can say I learned from knowing them and making comparisons is.... fuck that noise.

You are who you are. If he prefers something and you are cool with it.... whether or not the OW did once, a million times or never did it... it is your choice. If YOU enjoy it... rock it out.

Learn to stop letting the crap that they did get in your head. There is no magic vagina, no matter how it is shaped, shaved, perfumed or anything else.

If your WH is dumb enough dwell on certain acts or looks or feelings then IMO he isn't worth your time or skill. Cause lets face it, any idiot who is going to look back fondly on affair sex isn't really worth your best game in the first place.


[This message edited by redrock at 12:57 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re-enactments are out for me, I don't own horses.

Yikes!

My H had an EA, so there's nothing physical to try out. I did start thinking about this last night though, and I'm not sure it's the same thing. But OW sent topless photos to my H. He's seen a few scantily clad photos of me (from my younger 20's) and always comments that they're "really hot." I was wondering if I texted him some topless photos of myself if it would look like I was trying too hard to be like the OW. Honestly, it's something I probably would have considered pre-A just to spice things up a little, but now I'm afraid there will be a comparison...

I guess I would feel the same if my H had a PA - I wouldn't want to do anything that would compare me to the OW, even if I thought it might help us in some way.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi AML!
So many layers to this... and I can see a lot of different opinions here!

A few key points, with the biggest being:

I am enjoying our new sex life

and
Unfortunately I find them exciting too, hence my willingness to try.

If you are enjoying yourself and find things exciting, then please don't let the A spoil what you are enjoying or find fun. The other-whore just isn't worth it.

And from a guy's perspective, I've done a LOT of the same things with multiple women- never has it caused an association with the past. Guys are generally much more simple and don't do those kind of things... and are MUCH more into the moment and the partner we're having sex with at the moment.

In my case, all the things I'd wanted for years and had sexually with *every* other relationship I ever had my WS flatly and repeatedly refused for over 8 years... but immediately and eagerly offering those things and giving them to the OM in days. Even now after the A, those things are still off-limits by her for us.. so I can empathize with feeling crushed...

The way I've dealt with this is to just stop making things a competition. I have no competition with someone that poaches someone else's mate and has such low self-esteem that they can fall "in-luuuurveee" with someone who is a liar and cheat to someone else. This is exactly what the AP is.

And sexual acts have no real tangible value. If I really wanted olympic quality, multi-orgasmic, insane sex I could go get it just about anywhere. I'm sure you too could go out tomorrow and clarify that whole "orgasm from oral" thing from a whole host of guys out there almost immediately, so yah- accept his "It's me, not you" portrayal because it's absolute fact.

Our WS's have a bunch of fucked-up issues and being such slimey, morally bankrupt losers by cheating with us will not be tolerated. Don't let those issues get in the way with healing your own issues, such as feeling of inadequacy, body image issues, etc. etc.

We got plenty of work of our own to do and we don't need their bullshit getting in the way, right?

[This message edited by MediumRare at 1:25 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 24
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