It's a little over 8.5 months now. I will start at the end and I say this without bitterness.
In order for me to accept my fWH actions I now know that fully understanding those actions is not necessary.
I came to this conclusion last Tuesday when I asked him to take me through that first night again - the night he de-tached so completely from our marriage and slept with a virtual stranger. It was always my hope that by hearing this story, how it played out, that I would somehow "get" it. That I would have that moment where I understood. Guess what? I still don't. It just ended up hurting me, infuriating me and my energy was spent on anger. For two days!
So, while I read the books (3), the Healing Library and go to IC and MC and talk to all of you on SI, I get some of the aspects that played a role in that decision (a very messy critical events time-line, his inability to share his stresses, concerns, anxiety, his anger/pride (ego) and entitlement). I am an emotional person but also a rational person. I SEE that these things contributed but, there will always be a part in me - in my heart - that says, "I don't get it. I don't get how you moved so far away from me + you in those hours that led up to your decision. And how you did it again and again and again...for 2+ years."
I get that I will never "get" that. And that's okay. I am not bitter as I said. It just is. Period.
Close to D-Day I wrote down a list of things I had to accept. I know that I have to accept these things. What choice do I have? I am not going to be fighting something that has already happened next year at this time. For what? It won't change a thing. Nothing on that list will disappear but my strength will if I don't get to that place.
But at least for now, I have accepted that I don't ever have to fully understand my H's mind-set in order to accept what he did. There is a part in my heart that never will and you know what? That's okay.