what would have helped you in the months Post DDAY
I still struggle a lot- when he kisses me I wonder if he kissed her the same way. It helps when he tells me that it was awkward and uncomfortable, not at all like when he kisses me, the woman he loves.
The most frustrating thing for me is when he gets defensive or says things like "do you want to get better"?. I know it is difficult for him to see me in so much pain that is his cross to carry and I don't much appreciate having any guilt being placed on me. This is all him.
Have you asked your BS what he needs. Perhaps if he can't verbalized it (that is difficult for me) he might be able to write to you. If he doesn't know, tell him you will be patient and be ready when he does.
General is primarily for BS's, I will move your thread to the WS forum where BS's can still reply.
"I'm happily indifferent to the ones who have consistently been wrong" ~kd lang~
Start with the Truth. Sit down and write out a sincere letter of apology confessing what you did to him.
Second find big ways to show you love him. Show up at his work with a great picnic, brag about him on Facebook, throw out all of your ugly clothes, make sure you are always attractive around him, finish your own honeydo list for him, etc.
It takes time. You are asking the right questions and reading your other posts, you seem to be on the right path. My WS seems to be still in denial.
but was going through a lot that he doesn't fully believe is the reason I cheated.
'Going through a lot' is not a reason for cheating; you have to be absolutely honest with him. Tell him what you were really feeling at the time that you cheated. Dig deep inside yourself for the answers.
Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that you won't lose him. For some BS, the A is too much. However, for you to have any chance at R, you have to be upfront and honest-with yourself and your BS.
For the rest, you have to talk to him to find out what he needs. No one else can tell you. Try reading the Healing Library for insights into how the BS feels.
it's been 4 months since my BS found out I cheated on him
Still comes up.
Yeah, at 4 months out I would expect anything and everything to still come up. Unfortunately, for him it's probably constantly running in the background.
Have you read the thread, "what every wayward should know?" If not, I highly recommend that you do.
ETA the link: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250
That really should be stickied.
[This message edited by Later at 1:33 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
When I said "How could you?" instead of giving me a bunch of excuses, WH started saying, "It was a horrible thing to do. It was the worst and most painful thing I could have done to the person I love. I am so sorry."
When I asked, "Why?" instead of giving me a bunch of excuses, WH would say, "I don't know yet, but I am working so hard in IC to figure it out. I will never stop working to be a healthier, better person. You are going to get the best husband possible from now on."
He completely stopped defending himself, trying to get my sympathy, explaining etc.
What would help you believe your spouse is truly trust worthy. What actions can I take to prove to him I love him?
What helped me the most was for him to answer my questions with a lack of defensiveness. I had been spying on him long enough to know that he was lying to me a lot, and I knew when he was lying, thanks to my PI skills. Defensiveness was a dead giveaway.
Also, my H didn't have an affair (story's complicated, in profile) but rather a period of really shitty behavior, including a drunken ONS and some bad boundaries with "just-friends." I didn't doubt that he loved me, but I DID doubt that he respected me. Hearing him tell me that he NEVER thought I was crazy (as he said many times), admitting that he was just trying to deflect my questioning, was huge.
Also, he bought a car last year without my consent. A brand-new red corvette (midlife crisis much?) After he extracted his head from his ass, he offered to sell the car, as it triggered me. I told him it was up to him, I wasn't going to tell him what to do. Eventually he traded in my old car and the crisis-mobile to buy me a brand-new shiny SUV. That was a very large gesture on his part - he got rid of the car that he really did love because it upset me, and bought something nice for me in the process. That kind of gesture goes a long way.
Deleting anyone who bothers him off your facebook, opening up your electronic devices (which you already did), letting him know if anyone tries to cross boundaries with you - etc. etc.
Also, it helps when he thanks me for staying with him, tells me he feels lucky to be with me, glad he has the chance to make it up to me, etc. That helps a lot.
ETA: Sailorgirl and I were sharing a brain there for a minute!
[This message edited by JanaGreen at 1:38 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
1. Complete disclosure from the beginning. Keeping details only protect you, not your spouse. Finding out additional details later is like being stabbed repeatedly, but weeks apart. You will NEVER heal.
2. Complete transparency and open behavior from WS. He was good at giving lip service to "wanting our marriage", yet refused to give up his (various) email passwords, names of his APs, etc. He would tell me he was working late, but would then in fact, go hang out with friends.
If you tell your BH that you're going grocery shopping, you better be at the grocery store - and not for 5 minutes before heading off for an hour to hang with friends.
3. Stop cheating! It sounds stupid, but you've already cheated twice. How do you exepct him to believe that you're sorry when you cheated once in the beginning, saw the anguish he went through, then did it again? It is going to take a lot of time on your part to rebuild that trust that you completely destroyed.
He will get frustrated. He will get angry. That's his right.
Remember - you created this mess. You have to put on the big girl panties and do what it takes to clean it up.
I wish you and your BH all the best.
The Usual Suspects:
XWH (serial cheater, 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.
Repeated affirmations that you love him, you love the life he has worked hard to build for you, you do not desire anyone but him. Repeated words of gratitude that he hasn't given up on you. Lots of praise -- tell him how handsome he is...no man could ever look better in your eyes. Mention you like his hair or his glasses, and tell him how amazing he looks just sitting and watching TV.
I also need complete honesty. My WH has refused to give me the timeline I've asked for. He says it doesn't matter and he can't remember anyway. He doesn't feel the details are important, whereas I feel they're absolutely paramount before my heart can heal.
In the end, recovering from betrayal is not about your needs (the WS)...it's about his (the BS).
I gave H all passwords cut out contact with a friend who knew about affair I dont have FB account and I don't go out with friends etc. The find my phone app is enabled on my iphone so he could see where I'm at anytime he wants. I no longer do overnights for work and I don't spend much time texting anyone so he doesn't have to wonder what Im texting. I'm trying to be as empathetic as possible but I am scared of what he will ultimately decide. I feel as if Im standing on the edge of a cliff and he's deciding weather to push me off or help me back to safety. I never get defensive... honestly I have taken full responsibility for the affair from day 1. I apologized to his parents and spend time with his family or whomever he wants to visit etc regardless of whether they know or not of my A.
The truth is I'm not I felt the guilt while I was cheating but was going through a lot that he doesn't fully believe is the reason I cheated.
Your reason for cheating doesn't matter. He's rightfully hurt and pissed. You've destroyed his trust and betrayed him.
That doesn't mean you can't reconcile. Please avoid becoming defensive, my WH said defensively (after me losing it about him cheating) "well, maybe if you didn't argue with me so much!" and later realized he was wrong to say that; but it was said and it hurt.
Rebuilding trust takes time. You have to be honest and completely transparent; if you're both truly committed to making it work, it will. He just needs time.
Good luck - I hope it works out for you.
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:18 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
That he will open up once he sees I'm trustworthy but this isn't productive as I have no idea what that looks like to him exactly.
I'm trying to be as empathetic as possible but I am scared of what he will ultimately decide. I feel as if Im standing on the edge of a cliff and he's deciding weather to push me off or help me back to safety.
Is he here at SI? If not, would you be comfortable referring him here?
He tells me I can't blame him for not trusting me. That he will open up once he sees I'm trustworthy but this isn't productive as I have no idea what that looks like to him exactly.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.