OM knows me. We've been friends for years and my W with him and his W. Although she doesn't know his W that much, there is still a face with the name.
Did he close his eyes to the knowledge of me? Or did he enjoy it? Cause sometimes I look back and I can think of times when I think he envied me. I wasn't sure at the time why, but now I know. And he was such a nice guy too.
When FWW and her OM did speak of me it was in an abstract or third party tone. I did not appreciate my W, I did not careif she had an A so long as I did not know, I was selfish; but there was very little talk about me.
Compartmentalization was another factor with FWW.She would meet with OM and his W for lunch. She became friends with OM BW and OM DD to facilitate spending time with OM. They ALL spoke of how undeserving I was of her. She was able to do this because she was not AP then, just friend. It was only when they were at his house alone, or texting and talking that she would be AP to OM. When she came home she was Mom or FWW. Again, compartmentalization.
I believe that we (BS) do not have A in part because we could not isolate and comparmentalize like this. I know that parts of my life bleed through to the other parts. I just cannot imagine meeting with an OW, having a longterm sexual A, and then coming home to my W and family. In fact, the one time I thought of pursuing it when flirted with, it was just this sort of thinking of consequences that kept my pants on.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:02 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
Edit to add – my story is a little complicated (in my profile) and by DDay the “friend” had not been a part of my current life for 10+ years. That emotional distance has probably allowed me to deal with this faster IDK.
[This message edited by foundoutlater at 2:24 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
They were totally in their fantasy world. No thoughts of leaving their spouses at all! They were just "compliments" for each other's marriages. Giving each other "advice" on M issues, talking about complaints they each had which had never been voiced to their spouses.
I've got no answers on how one deals with this, but just know you are not alone.
It's demonic! I mean one person lying but two at the same time and to the same people? It's just beyond me. Did OM think of me at all? You figure he forgot about his own BS, how much easier it was to forget about me.
Atsenaotie said it well (above). Maybe it does take a special kind that can compartmentalize so well. I sure can't. I was stupid in my 20's and when ever I got anywhere close to a possible EA, I remember confessing it and feeling like shit. Heck, I felt bad for having attractions. HUH!
The OW in my case was the person who introduced my husband and I, was MOH at our wedding (as I was at hers)and is godparent to one of our kids. Little did I know that 7 years ago she decided my WH was the one she really wanted and they had a one year affair (I didn't find out about it until DDay this year) In the interim 5 years between the end of that affair and through the year long affair they had again that ended on dday, she planned camping trips with us, went to parties with us, helped me through kid issues and marital issues, talked to me daily on FB etc. All the while sleeping with and trying to convince WH to leave me and run away with her. (what she planned to do with his 2 and her 3 kids I don't know)
I just can't see what the end game is in a double betrayal. I get how a spouse acts when having an affair. They have something serious to lose if they are caught. But why drag on a friendship if you are betraying that friendship. There isn't the same kind of tie you have in marriage and obviously you've already decided the affair was more important than the friendship so why play the game.
I wrote her a letter, which helped, and she wrote a wimpy apology, which helped, but not in the way she intended. (It just made me see her for who she was. . .weak, self-absorbed, etc.) I don't at this point feel much about the loss of her friendship, per se. I do miss her kids terribly, and her husband as well.
Like a couple of you, I know she was jealous of me, and to some degree my marriage. She told my husband tht she had had a crush on him going back years. . . That she envied our communication, and how affectionte we were with each other. Blew his ego up like a big, inflatable doll, and was on her way to trying to take my place. Luckily, the affair only lasted a couple months. He was pretty hooked even in that short amount of time, with loyalties shifting to her, etc. it was a big f-ing disaster.
We are doing ok in R. . .it is the best of times and the worst of times. I have seen my husband rise up and be the husband and man he is capable of. He is working hard, transparent, etc. I have become a better partner, too. But, the pain is so intense at times. I am choosing to just keep walking through, and having faith.
Peace be with everyone.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:56 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months
In MC & Reconciling
Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time. ; )
Why do i find myself hating her so much when my husband committed the same crime? Why do i think she is a horrible, miserable person but look at my husband with some affection? I know it is selective but i guess i need to do it to survive.
Survival is the only rational answer, right? I've posted about this phenomena in the ICR Double Betrayal thread before... my intense hatred and fear of AP.
Hell, I have paranoid thoughts about one of you being the OBS, posting here in this thread. I know the AP and OBS know about this forum, as I (stupidly) shared it with them very early on when I first discovered SI, before NC, and the shit hit the fan on 5/4/2012.
I wish I could move to another city or something. Not hear that name again!!!!!
I think the biggest issue is that it was someone close to the family. In my case not only a friend but also a business friend. We have way too many friends in common. His name pops up in conversations all the time. Especially with her friends. Worst thing is not being able to tell everyone to PLEASE not mention that name anymore.
I wish I could move to another city or something. Not hear that name again!!!!!
I hear ya. The circle of friends we had/have with this couple is huge. Everyone I work with, and so many others outside of work, including family. We've really had to draw some hard lines, and lost some other friends we really didn't want to lose, but decided it was best to avoid contact as much as possible.
Doesn't help I still work with the AP, but that's a whole different story. At work, I've made it pretty clear to a large number of people to keep me out of any contact with him, under any and every circumstance. I've also told at least half of those people exactly WHY. I used to feel embarrassed and shame by this whole thing, but fuck that. Unfortunately, I suffer panic attacks just seeing him, or hearing his voice on a conf line, so I have to avoid contact with him.
The only problem is I can never truly get thim out of my wife's life. Family never goes away. And while she claims not to communicate with him, she shares his life every time she talkes with his wife, which is 2-3 hours/day. Yes, the affair brought "them" closer together.
Oh man, wow... just my two cents, but I'd be severing ties completely there. Yes, it's her sister, but IMO she needs to determine priorities in terms of which relationship is more important to her.
Yes I found out by hacking email; told me a different place entirely. When I told her the kids and myself would not be home when she returned, she rescheduled. Only reinforces fact that this bullshit is not over yet. Very frustrating.
I would highly recommend you get over to the JFO forum, and share your story. You are definitely not in R at this point, as your W sounds totally unremorseful.