(I just reread that, I STG! I am not on drugs! well, caffeine..)
"Knowing enough" got me out of toxic, shew!
"Knowing it all" will occur. Be patient.
Now...3.5 years later...it doesn't bother me that I don't know. Not sure I would have believed what he said anyway, because he was a liar.
Now - I know what I need to know and I've pieced together the rest.
I no longer have the need to know how much, for how long and the names of all of the OW. I've accepted that it was going on for an entire decade and I'm coming to accept that I turned a blind eye to it deliberately.
The question for me is what would I gain from it? At this point, nothing. Absolutely nothing.
And it's true. I wouldn't believe him now even if he was telling me the truth. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. That's the way he treated me for 12 years so now I am returning the favour.
Now when I hear something or uncover a previous lie it hurts terribly. It takes me a few days to shake the uneasy feeling. I then realize that that part of my life is over and I don't have to wonder what he is doing anymore or what he did do in the past.
I am moving forward and I want to see where I am going. Looking back only makes me miss what is happening right in front of me!
Healing from what I know will take long enough!!
I've told H the truth about A LOT and he still feels as if he's in the dark.
I just don't see any use out of me knowing detail about the extent of his treachery.
It frightens me that with the vast amount I know, WTF don't I know?
I guess if one were in R, it'd be different.
My L is ready for D with all bank statements and financials. Now we are supposed to meet and discuss him putting his check back in and him approving kids therapy. I would like that in place before the D.
My IC says the real reason I can't pull the trigger on the D is because I need to find out truth so I keep the MC going. I have done nothing but think about that. Aaahaaaa moment.. Nope, don't need to know about all the OW anymore. It's now more about what he has done since DD. he is not nice.
Now my only real ? I need to answer is why did I stay in this M of diminishing returns for as long as I did (17yrs)? Why am I continuing to put up with so much s###t? I think I will start asking myself the the ?s now.
Because he backed out of R... and given his weird behavior post-DDay, I know that I'm missing something BIG. It's something awful like he minimized the relationship and he's in love or she's pregnant or he finally had that nervous breakdown he's been cooking. Whatever it is, it isn't good. Nothing he said, did or is currently doing adds up otherwise.
I'm running scared from whatever it is until I can get myself into a good place with my healing. I'm staying in IC and maintaining NC. But I know if I find out they are engaged or something, I'm going to need a quiet, padded room with some nice baskets I can weave. I won't recover from something like that as it stands right now.
But if the news is somehow the karma bus hit him, I'd listen to that, I guess.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 12:07 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
That is fine now. Once I got to the point that I was done in the marriage - it didn't matter if it was 5 girls or 15 girls....it is over for me.