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User Topic: How much do you want to know?
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are getting divorced, do you still want to know all the details of the affair? No. If we were R, then absolutely. If I felt it would help me to heal, then yes but I doubt I wouldn't get the truth anyway. But honestly, at this point, all the work, all the insight, all the tears, all the reading ... it's all about ME and my healing, and rebuilding my life and my new beginning. Every day I get stronger, he becomes less significant.

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2284 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling stupid about being blindsided during the postmortem is self-growth's way of trying not to be caught in the stupid again going forward with your life.

(I just reread that, I STG! I am not on drugs! well, caffeine..)

"Knowing enough" got me out of toxic, shew!
"Knowing it all" will occur. Be patient.

Posts: 6675 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Closer to D-day, I wanted to know everything. He would not admit to anything I couldn't prove - and I couldn't prove much - and it was killing me not knowing what the hell happened to my life.

Now...3.5 years doesn't bother me that I don't know. Not sure I would have believed what he said anyway, because he was a liar.

Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Feb 2010
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a time when I would have given my right arm to know for sure.

Now - I know what I need to know and I've pieced together the rest.

I no longer have the need to know how much, for how long and the names of all of the OW. I've accepted that it was going on for an entire decade and I'm coming to accept that I turned a blind eye to it deliberately.

The question for me is what would I gain from it? At this point, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning, I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know the exact depth of the betrayal so that I could harden my heart and never, ever fall for this shit again.
I just didn't know how much it would hurt, even 2 years later.
I found emails and pictures and vast amounts of money spent.
I was at some point still hoping that he was sincere when he said that he didn't know what would happen and that we might get back together.
Now, with everything that I found out, I wouldn't touch him even with a haz mat suit on.
The unfortunate part is that my heart will take a little longer to heal because of the things I found out and the cruel things he said to me.
It's costing me a hell of a lot of money in IC as well.
At this point they are engaged and his friends are happy for him.
Good riddance. I will never trust him again.

And it's true. I wouldn't believe him now even if he was telling me the truth. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. That's the way he treated me for 12 years so now I am returning the favour.

BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1442 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ Member
Member # 22921
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I was trying to R (he never tried, so it was "I" not "we" I NEEDED to know everything....I did find out a lot, and he did tell me a lot - but about what had happened pre D-day one, and nothing about what was still going on. After we finally split, a general time line was fine. I moved on. I feel faintly ill when I think about the hell he put me through, and try actually not to think of it. It is different for everyone though - I have lost a huge chunk of my life that I choose not to revisit too often now. Maybe one day I will reclaim it, but for now, I am too busy living a new life with a new love. In some ways it is the best revenge.

I'm alive. They say it's gonna rain, but I'll survive....I know I'm crying out, but I'm in pain....
Me BS, 39
WH 47 D twice
M 8 years
Daughter and Son 15 & 13 from his 2nd marriage raised as mine
DDay 13 Feb 09. Divorcing

Posts: 118 | Registered: Feb 2009
♀ Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the process of getting a D now but while trying to R I did want to know the details. He refused to really give me much. You know, he didn't want to hurt me and all!!! Right!!! I know enough, I discovered enough and I heard enough to know I was completely done with that part of my life.

Now when I hear something or uncover a previous lie it hurts terribly. It takes me a few days to shake the uneasy feeling. I then realize that that part of my life is over and I don't have to wonder what he is doing anymore or what he did do in the past.

I am moving forward and I want to see where I am going. Looking back only makes me miss what is happening right in front of me!

BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
♀ Member
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I thought we were in R, I wanted to know everything. When I realized that R wasn't real and after the D was final, I wanted to know nothing else. My sister calls it "washing the stink off", but I literally threw up when new info would come. And it comes. From everywhere. Even HE wants to talk incessantly about the whole truth, and I have had to stop him and tell him that he is no longer my business and I do not want or need to hear another thing from him.

Healing from what I know will take long enough!!

I've told H the truth about A LOT and he still feels as if he's in the dark.

Babbs, I dealt with half truths for years and reading between lines is now second nature. If you told him the truth about *A LOT* but not *ALL*, your WS will know instinctively it isn't the whole story and that will make anything you say suspect. The few truths I got, I felt peace about, half truths I could recognize and never felt right; and yes, if he owned his actions and talked openly and respectfully, I would have believed him.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, doesn't matter. I know XH is a liar, borderline sociopath & serial cheater.

I just don't see any use out of me knowing detail about the extent of his treachery.

It frightens me that with the vast amount I know, WTF don't I know?

I guess if one were in R, it'd be different.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 768 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
♀ Member
Member # 39055
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has done outright rotten things since DD. He moved into the house when I'm not here, stole my mail, refuses to approve a therapist for the kids, He pulled funds blocking my credit cards being paid and caused checks to bounce, He took his check out of direct deposit, he tried to manipulate my parents, did manipulate his mom and is trying to bad mouth me to everyone. Now he has a new OW at work who texts him all day long. He now refuses to buy kids school clothes, books, school supplies.

My L is ready for D with all bank statements and financials. Now we are supposed to meet and discuss him putting his check back in and him approving kids therapy. I would like that in place before the D.

My IC says the real reason I can't pull the trigger on the D is because I need to find out truth so I keep the MC going. I have done nothing but think about that. Aaahaaaa moment.. Nope, don't need to know about all the OW anymore. It's now more about what he has done since DD. he is not nice.

Now my only real ? I need to answer is why did I stay in this M of diminishing returns for as long as I did (17yrs)? Why am I continuing to put up with so much s###t? I think I will start asking myself the the ?s now.

This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we were in (false)R, I wanted to know everything. After d-day #2, I didn't care to know. He was trying to tell me details, I didn't even care to hear about them. After d-day#1, I was pulling my hair out begging for details and he said he couldn't remember. All lies.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I don't want to know anything else. I stopped wanting to know five days after DDay. What I knew that day was that I wanted a D after the additional TT he provided. It was more than enough.

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he had wanted to R, I wouldn't have dug too deep. My condition for R was that he quit his job with DCOW, move across country back to where we started out and go into intense MC. That was such a hurdle that, if he followed through with it, I would have asked questions as they came up, but I wouldn't need to know every single time he betrayed me with DCOW. She would have been a symptom and not *the* problem.

Because he backed out of R... and given his weird behavior post-DDay, I know that I'm missing something BIG. It's something awful like he minimized the relationship and he's in love or she's pregnant or he finally had that nervous breakdown he's been cooking. Whatever it is, it isn't good. Nothing he said, did or is currently doing adds up otherwise.

I'm running scared from whatever it is until I can get myself into a good place with my healing. I'm staying in IC and maintaining NC. But I know if I find out they are engaged or something, I'm going to need a quiet, padded room with some nice baskets I can weave. I won't recover from something like that as it stands right now.

But if the news is somehow the karma bus hit him, I'd listen to that, I guess.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 12:07 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex will NEVER admit to all. It will go to his grave with him (except what keeps trickling to me via the local rumor mill).

That is fine now. Once I got to the point that I was done in the marriage - it didn't matter if it was 5 girls or 15 is over for me.

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Topic Posts: 34
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