SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you are getting divorced, do you still want to know all the details of the affair?

I have been able to piece together a very general timeline - enough to know we are through. If we were reconciling I would want to know everything, but we aren't. And I don't want to know a million more hurtful things that will bounce around in my mind, keep me up at night and making me angry and bitter.

There is no "right" or "wrong" approach to this, but sometimes I wonder if I know everything and go through the additional hurt is that somehow more healing? Am I protecting myself at the cost of personal growth?

I have been able to piece together a very general timeline - enough to know we are through.

This is EXACTLY where I stopped. Didn't need to know anything else. And 18 months past the D being final, I haven't once regretted not having the whole picture (whatever the hell that might be).

Thanks NIK!

That's how I feel too. I need to embrace that.

I think some of it is relating it to having been so completely blindsided when he gave the ILYBNILWY speech that sometimes I worry this is more hiding from the truth. I hate feeling stupid because I trusted so completely. Somehow it's tied together...

I want to know everything. If I could watch a movie which captured my entire relationship with STBX and the things he did, I'd watch it. It used to severely torture me that I would never know. I'm more at peace with that now, but I'll never have full peace at not knowing. I have uncovered such staggering lies & deception, I'll never believe I've found out all there is to know.

I WANT to know, but I also realize I will never know all the details. Even without actively searching bits and pieces keep hitting me, and it is like pouring more salt in an open wound, but my mind works analytically. Puzzle pieces need to fit in my mind to put it at rest. I don't stress over NOT knowing, but I will be forever wondering (in a passive way) because that is just the way I am wired. Comes with being OCD and very detail-oriented.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 3:24 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

This is very individual and you're right that there is no right or wrong answer. Only you know what is best for you. Having said that...

I want to know everything. If I could watch a movie which captured my entire relationship with STBX and the things he did, I'd watch it. It used to severely torture me that I would never know. I'm more at peace with that now, but I'll never have full peace at not knowing. I have uncovered such staggering lies & deception, I'll never believe I've found out all there is to know.

I totally agree with Nature Girl. For me, not knowing the details has truly hindered my healing.

Iam with Nature Girl on this. I want to know everything. It will be three years in March since I divorced my WW, after finding out about her LTA with a co-worker.I found out well, a lot mainly, from the OM betrayed wife when I outed the affair. But still , there was a lot I didnt find out. My STBEXWW was not forthcoming with hardly any information. Many will not understand this an say just to forget about it an move on. But there are "things" that I have a need to know. I guess its a way for me to get some of my past back that I now know was a lie.

I know that his AP was a sick and sad woman with a lot of issues like drugs and losing custody of her kids, who made it CLEAR to Ex that she wasn't in a "relationship" with him and told him not to mess up his marriage.

She was a nasty and cheap whore who was just looking for attention and some money. I know that in exchange for one of their sexual encounters she asked for a pizza.

I know that my Ex is such an emotionally immature idiot that despite her being pretty damn clear on how she viewed what they had going on, he thought that sex meant she wanted a serious relationship with him.

I know that he asked her to move in with him and she turned him down. He was particularly nasty to me during that time and I thought the anger was guilt but later found out it was him being rejected and having no one to stroke his little ego (or anything else! )

I know that SHE cut off contact with HIM and if she hadn't he would still be wearing that evil little smirk he wore when he came to get his stuff and he *thought* it was the beginning of his new life with a fresh victim.

I know that he is probably the biggest idiot I've ever encountered and putting the pieces that I have together makes ME feel an idiot because I spent 10 YEARS with someone with the emotional maturity of a preteen at best.

Every additional piece is another blow to my self-esteem because it shows just how poorly I picked. I don't want any more details. All I've put together and found out about so far has been more pathetic than I could have ever imagined.

I used to want to know, but I find that each new piece of the puzzle just causes more pain.

Ex: he went to "a meeting" on his 50th birthday. I always knew he didn't go there, and it killed me not to know. On his 51st birthday, I asked and he admitted who he was with. Even though I was happy to finally know, it hurts more now than when I didn't know.

Also, I am so friggin tired of running into ghosts. I should try to count up the names I hate, number of songs I switch off when I hear, cities I hate, hotel chains I hate, restaurants I thought were ours that aren't.....

I am definitely a need to know every detail person. But now that it's over, I really don't see how getting answers to those nagging questions will help me. You may experience something different. Chew on each new piece of info as it comes in and after the initial peace, see if it makes you feel worse.

(((Sparkles)))

Stbx is a serial-cheater.

The only additional information that I feel useful to me at this point in time is the extent of his cheating with any woman that I know (vast majority of his cheating occurred in places far away from here with 'strangers') and the level of involvement of any of the people in my 'circle of friends' -- such as who knew, how much did s/he know, and did that person play a part in encouraging the cheating.

So basically, I would take information that I can use to evaluate and gauge what relationships I 'keep' going forward and which ones I let go of. I've pretty much completely distanced myself from any person that was a 'joint' friend already, though......

I want to know everything. If I could watch a movie which captured my entire relationship with STBX and the things he did, I'd watch it. It used to severely torture me that I would never know. I'm more at peace with that now, but I'll never have full peace at not knowing. I have uncovered such staggering lies & deception, I'll never believe I've found out all there is to know.

This is me. Everyone tells you to let go and move on and don't worry about it and there are some things that you don't need to know, but I do. I want all the answers. And I may never get them.

I'd like him to admit what he did. Gaslighting is too nice a term to describe what he did.

I've always said I have enough evidence to convict him in civil court if not in criminal court.

I kind of feel like I know enough. I actually wish I did not know any of it.

I wish he just said "We need to have serious talk. I am not happy. Have not been happy and do not believe we can ever be happy. Therefore, I think we need to start planning for separate lives."

Or, "I am not happy are you? We need to fix it so we are both happy and go to counseling..."

Whatever. If you aren't happy, just go. I didn't really need to know about your Affair, how you still LOVE this person, how she arranged to meet me, my kids, how she was in my house, about her "open marraige" and "living in total honestly" and how she "opened him up emotionally." puke puke puke

Really, I know stuff I just simply wish I didn't know and I am not sure how it helps me- except helps me to hate him, which may be what he wanted so there would be NOOOO chance of any R.

I believe there is probably ALOT of stuff I still don't know, and it is only going it harder to work out custody with the kids. You need trust for co-parenting, and I do not trust or like this person. I don't know this person.

So, he should not have told me anything about the A if it was just a symptom and not the cause. Which he alleges..true or not, who knows??

I'm in the camp that I don't want to know. It will just hurt me more, so I'd rather just move on. I know enough to know that I'm done with him and would never consider reconciliation.

I would want to know everything.

However, I know I'll never get that information. XWH was and still is a liar at his core. The only things he (eventually) ever admitted to were things for which I had physical proof.

There was one point after the D that he wanted to "come clean". I told him I wasn't interested.

The three main reasons that I didnt want his "confession" at that point:

1. The truth at that point was for HIM to assuage his guilt, not to help me.

2. It likely would not have been the full truth, since XWH had never demonstrated honesty in ANYTHING unless there was an immediate benefit to himself.

3. I believe it was an attempt at drawing me back in. By giving me SOME truth, I'd likely have more questions, which would lead to more discussion, rinse and repeat.

No thank you. I'd already hopped off that crazy train and had no desire to ride again.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:27 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

I did finally have enough info for me to know that the M was over forever. I didn't get too many sexual details because he never once talked to me about his affairs. I found all info myself. There were a few graphic emails.

I found out he was a liar from almost day one and I couldn't live with him knowing what type of a man he hid from me.

I have asked my ex to write everything he did and place it in a sealed envelope once we D.

I'll decide later if I really want to know everything. When I first told him, he responded, "I don't think i can tell you everything...." Yeah, you'd better.

I don't know if I will ever open it...I just want the option.

When there was a chance at R I wanted to know everything. Part of this was because of the TT and gaslighting. I wanted all the lies straightened out. In order to move forward together, I needed all truth, no lies.

Now that we are going through with D it doesn't matter anymore. What he did is his part of our marriage. I'm sad for him and us that he made those choices. My part was authentic and truthful. Every once in a while I think of a question. Very quickly I realize that the answer doesn't really matter now. The answer doesn't change my future anymore.

WS here- would you believe your WS if they told you that they are telling you everything? Ive told my BH the non-sexual details of what we did and he looks at me like Im nuts. and says ok Babbs sure you hung out at coffee shops and mostly talked. WTF I'm telling him the truth and he doesn't buy it. We had sex so granted one time is more than enough but I wasn't sneaking off regularly to do so on average it was once every 4-5 weeks. Again doesn't believe me. I know what I did is horrendous and I'm not minimizing that. I simply want to know if you would even believe your WS? I've told H the truth about A LOT and he still feels as if he's in the dark.

[This message edited by babbs at 2:28 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Babbs, if my gut instincts matched what my STBX was telling me, I'd have believed him. As long as my instincts told me he was lying, though, or only telling me "a lot" and not EVERYTHING, then no, I wouldn't believe him.