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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Fwb curiosity
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was a FWB failure in my only attempt, but I've always wondered, how does this not ruin the friendship? Do new partners not mind former FWB hanging around? Does the reverse make you uncomfortable?

I don't stay friends with exes, so the idea of staying friends with someone you have been intimate with seems foreign and unnecessarily complicated.

So I guess 3 questions for those who have had FWB, or have partners who have fFWB

1) Do you remain friends?
2) If so, does your partner know/care?
3) How do you feel about your partner’s fFWB(s)?


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that any past sexual partners are not anybody's business. To discuss that leads to disaster, IMO. My SO does not know of any of my past partners other than my obvious XH and I don't know or want to know his.

I can't do FWB. But I know some people can - maybe they will be along soon.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7744 | Registered: Aug 2005
gma56
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Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also one that can't do FWB. When I was in my 20s I did and I didn't stay friends after the benefits were canceled.
I also didn't share my sexual history until I married FT and I don't remember how much I told. Too long ago !
With CW, we both have shared some/all sexual history and have been very open of our pasts. No secrets so hopefully no surprises.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
SBB
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Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had several FWBs before I was married and at the end of the M. I didn't stay in contact with any of them once I was in a relationship.

Many of my recent FWBs have been with relatively new friends. I haven't found a way to maintain a FWB arrangement without them trying to turn it into a relationship so I'd say I have zero chance of maintaining friendships with them.

I personally am unable to stay friends with exes, FWB or otherwise. It is all too intense for me - I don't do well with complications.

I wouldn't be happy if a guy I was seeing was still friends with a FWB. I was OK with being friends with exes in my M (on his side) but I don't think I'll be as willing to be in that situation again.

I suppose it would really depend on the individual circumstances. But FWB, no.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fFWB knows I'm dating and stays away. He always pops up when I'm single again but I've turned him down after the first time ended, since it's not what I'm interested in at this time.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWB relationships, and there have been two in memory, haven't been sustained friendships. We may keep in touch after, but it's nothing but occasional contact.

I wouldn't feel the need to share that, or much of my sexual history with a partner.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4609 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Weatherly
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Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had a few FWB. Heck, my husband used to be a FWB. (Apparently, we got attached )

I have only remained friends with one of them.

haven't been sustained friendships. We may keep in touch after, but it's nothing but occasional contact.

Yeah, that is how it is with ffwb.

Aussie does know about the guy, but has never met him. He doesn't care.

Aussie had a few as well. Most of them he lost contact with before we met. The one he didn't was oddly possessive when we got serious. So, he went NC with her as well. I'm glad, because there was no way this woman was going to end up a friend of our marriage, ya know? And, I actually knew the other ones, and the man had a habit of attracting crazy. So, I'm honestly glad he hasn't remained friends with any of them.

I feel that any past sexual partners are not anybody's business.

I don't think I agree with this. I'd be pretty upset if I found out that some woman my husband was good friends with was somebody he used to sleep with. I mean, why hide it? I think many people would be upset if their partner was hanging out with an ex, and the current partner didn't know it was an ex until quite awhile later. Reading here, about how many people see red flags in everyday situations, it seems that if someone posted "I've been dating a great guy for 6 months, and he was good friends with a girl. But, I found out yesterday, she's his ex girlfriend" so many would be quick to jump on the "he's hiding something, red flag" so...how is not admitting you slept with a friend better/different?


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 9

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4491 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess that's not an issue for me, because I don't keep in contact with any of them. Except for maybe a casual contact, but very rare.

I guess as long as both people know about any diseases or potential diseases, then who, when, how many are just not anything that needs to be shared.

I shared with my XWH (prior to my marriage), and it came back to bite me in the butt when he was trying to justify his A.

I'm still of the opinion "Don't ask, don't tell" on this subject.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7744 | Registered: Aug 2005
hill
Member
Member # 12166
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have a really hard time if a SO hid the fact that he had been intimate with a female friend. I think it's always a good idea to let the new SO know... that way new SO doesn't feel there is still lingering intimacy (meaning secrets).

Now numbers, I don't believe in sharing!!!


Posts: 3155 | Registered: Sep 2006
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) Do you remain friends?

-Yes in the one successful FWB situation in my life we are still friends many years later

2) If so, does your partner know/care?

Yes, TG knows. As does FWB's wife. Due to the natural course of our lives we've had less time to hang out together and we've both moved to different cities so we don't see each other much. TG is fine regardless of what I do but I choose to only hang out with FWB in groups or public places just b/c of our history and now we have other people to consider YMMV
3) How do you feel about your partner’s fFWB(s)?

TG does not maintain many female friendships so this hasn't been an issue.

My one successful FWB situation was very unusual I guess. We were so blunt and honest during the summer we were FWB that it really made the whole thing work. We were both clear that we were looking for permanent partners but the other person wasn't it. There was a moment in time when that line got blurred and we both pulled back and talked about it VERY candidly. Early on we had realized that our fundamental beliefs in life were not compatible nor were our long term goals. Any LTR would be doomed or at least plagued by tension of competing ideals and goals.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
damncutekitty
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Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normally I feel that past partners are not anyone's biz but my own. However, I have one past FWB that is still in my social circle. He also slept with a few other girls in our social circle, back when we were all single and partying a lot. (whereas now the group has mostly coupled up and drifted a bit) My SO knows about him mostly because I preferred he hear it from me than from someone else, like at a party or something.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is a good example of why you should find your FWBs outside of your normal social circle.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...why you should find your FWBs outside of your normal social circle

Definitely!


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4609 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I LOVED doing FWB in my younger single days.

Each FWB relationship was different and had it's own unique set of "rules."

With some of them, we were FWB, and didn't sleep with other people. We weren't anything other than friends and never officially dated, but didn't sleep with anyone else either.
-Most of those ended in disaster when one person decided that they wanted to officially date, and the other didn't OR when one person started dating someone else and the benefits ended. I am unfortunately not friends with any of these people, BUT unlike most of my ex's, I have nothing negative to say about any of these people.

With some FWB, we slept with others while having our arrangement and we just didn't discuss it. It was a clear understanding that if one or the other person started feeling more, that person needed to end the benefits and take space immediately. Benefits ended if/when one person or both people were in relationships. The friendship was kept seperate, if you will, from the sex. So yes, there was sex, but it wasn't really talked about.
-I am facebook friends with 1 of them, but we don't talk or keep in touch really at all. Part of that is because my H is not comfortable with that, which I completely respect.

I had two FWB who were more like "between boyfriends" FWB's (I hooked up with them seperately- no three people situation ever happened just so that there is no confusion). We got together when both of us were between relationships. I was (and if H was comfortable with it, still would be) very good friends with both of them. We never ever liked each other anything other than platonically, and genuinely were happy when the other person was in a relationship and happy. We were able to talk about sex with other people and not get jealous.
-I am not friends with them anymore because H doesn't feel comfortable with EITHER of us being friends and regularly chatting with people who we formally slept with. Both of these people understand- there have been relationships in which SO's didn't want us to hang out and we backed off, and SO's who weren't jealous and we are all friends. If H ever allowed it, I would love to be friends with these people again (obviously no sleeping with them involved and nothing inappropriate).


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the replies. I'm glad to know my thinking isn't out of line on this.

It would seem odd to me to remain close friends and not let your partner know, so it makes sense that people do it with friends they aren't afraid of being less close to down the line.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
UnexpectedSong
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Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a term for FWB if you are not friends (during or after) - FB (f___ buddy).


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6101 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
c6284x
♂ New Member
Member # 39545
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm jealous. I never had a FWB

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 17

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