I'm not sure that "love" keeps people faithful. I think my WH was not emotionally healthy enough to be faithful. It really had nothing to do with how much he loved me. Life is hard, he couldn't deal, he fell apart, he did stupid shit. No amount of love for me could overcome his FOO, his dysfunction and his buttheadedness.
I agree I am not sure love is enough to keep someone faithful. I am a fWS and current BS, my WH has decided to stay with me and and I him and we deal with our A's in different ways, but both of us feel our M is worth saving.
BTW, sorry for the t/j
A question I'll never forget him asking me, though, is "Didn't you ever contemplate cheating when our M wasn't fulfilling? Really?" It was hard for him to believe I never considered it. I considered how long I would stay in the M, but not cheating. I guess this is the root of the self-analysis he needs to do. Why was cheating an acceptable, easy answer to our M problems for him? (Huge FOO issues in this regard - his mom was a WS, then an OW who married that WH, then a long-time OW to a third man.) But that doesn't excuse his own personal choices.
It just kills me. No, I loved you enough not to hurt you like this. Why couldn't you love me enough to work through our issues? Or at least try talking about them? Sometimes, I wonder if I know anything about love at all anymore....
By the same token, if I had had the A, I think I would have done a LOT of justifying, and I don't think I would have conducted myself post-A the way that he has. He has taken full and total responsibility and has done a complete 180 all on his own. I am quite sure I would have spent a lot of energy trying to explain how neglected and lonely and dying-inside-bored I was.
It is the way it is. I don't need to know if he would forgive me or not. It's my choice to forgive him. I don't have to choose that, but I do. It's his choice to live with the consequences daily, to stay and do the hard work of repairing the damage he did. He didn't have to choose that, but he did.
I don't think it's about 'love' either. 'Love' is a word I don't even know how to use anymore. I know that it takes you far, far past the point you thought you could go and still survive.
WS gets very jealous and doesn't like other men at all. He hates all of my ex's, even ones from high school and whatnot, and gets really angry and jealous if I ever mention any reference to sexual activity before him. One time he found a picture of my prom date kissing me on the cheek and flipped out (this was while he was cyber cheating on me...). I don't think he would be able to handle it.
My WS was the same way. He made me delete all my pictures that had exes in them, even my prom pictures. He wouldn't allow any male friends. And then he had sex with two other women. So hypocritical
He did say that he had cognitive errors that he came to believe were true that allowed him to rationalize the A was OK. He thought I didn't love him. He thought I would cheat on him.
Together 33 years
6-5-06 Day of Reckoning
"The acquired inability to escape"
If this happened post law school and if/when he gets into Big Law? He'd flex his muscles financially, probably buy himself some high priced items for comfort, and revisit that guy he always is when he talks to other women during his affairs: arrogant, callous, egotistical, and predatory. I don't think he'd stay. I think he'd gather the harem the men in his family always seem to be on the hunt for.
Eek. Wow, me. That sounded, er, bitter.
TLDR: Ahem, no. If he didn't love me enough to not have affairs, he wouldn't stick around to clean up a mess I made.
[This message edited by Reality at 6:57 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]
I think there has to be love to R, but IMO there are other things that are bigger. All the work we do on ourselves and our M have a foundation of many layers. Love is just one layer.